


Fear of Trying

by bortzy



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: M/M, Mental Health Issues, Post-Canon, Slow Burn, University, kind of an au but not really, oblivious to their own goddamn feelings, post-secret endings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-01
Updated: 2018-05-09
Packaged: 2019-01-28 01:14:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 27
Words: 52,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12594760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bortzy/pseuds/bortzy
Summary: Saeran’s all sharp points and jagged edges, but Yoosung’s soft and bright and glowing. He’s skin and bone, but he can’t help hoping that one day he’ll be full of life just like Yoosung.





	1. Fear of trying

**Author's Note:**

> I had sudden inspiration for this today and decided to make it my project for NaNoWriMo! I can't promise I'll keep up but I'll try my best. There are currently about 20 chapters planned, but that could change depending on how I decide to pace it. I hope you enjoy!  
> Also you get 7million points if you know what song the title is based off.

Saeran’s mental health is complicated. Even though he can see how far he’s come since he was rescued from Mint Eye, sometimes it’s difficult to process it fully. To boil it down into simple terms, it’s progressed through three stages, and he is currently trapped in the fourth.

_Stage 1: Nothing but anger._

This was the stage he was at when Saeyoung first took him to the bunker. He was so filled with rage that just the thought of it now makes him feel like ice is spreading through his veins. He couldn’t trust anyone. He could barely even trust himself. He was filled to the brim with hatred.

_Stage 2: Emptiness._

Once the anger had become somewhat subdued, it made way for the overwhelming feelings of guilt. He felt worthless, like he was doing nothing but burdening Saeyoung. Like he’d be better off not existing at all.

_Stage 3: Wanting to be better._

This stage stemmed directly from the second stage. Eventually the guilt pushed him into wanting to move forward in life, and he started searching for jobs online. The only issue was that he found it difficult to consider working at a job and dealing with the public when he still didn’t fully trust himself. So instead he started looking at art courses at nearby universities. That’s somewhere a little safer to start at with less responsibility for other people’s wellbeing. He would just have to focus on his own work, and then he could figure out some kind of actual career rather than throwing himself into a random part-time job that would probably wear on him and make him feel worse.

_Stage 4: Fear of trying._

This is the stage he’s stuck at now. The idea of leaving the house every day to go somewhere with hundreds, if not thousands of other people is utterly terrifying and he gets exhausted just thinking about it. His anxiety keeps warning him that _everyone will know what he did._ Everyone will be staring at him, and everyone will see how filthy his hands are. The same hands that once held a gun and killed someone should not hold something as delicate as a paintbrush.

But he’s still sitting here on his laptop, scrolling through universities as though they were some kind of faraway dream. In all honesty he doesn’t really know where to start. The closest to the bunker is SKY University, but is his art good enough to get in? Can he apply without any previous grades from school? The entry requirements make no sense to him – just a row of letters and something about a portfolio. And it’s not that he can’t make a portfolio, it’s that he’s not sure he’ll make the _right_ kind of portfolio. He really knows nothing about university or education.

Just looking at the website, Saeran gets the impression that SKY University is a very good and prestigious university. And that also probably means it’ll be expensive. God, that’s something else he hadn’t considered. Where is he supposed to get the money from to pay for this? He’d be better off just forgetting this idea altogether.

But Stage 2 and 3 are still eating away at him. Saeyoung does everything for him. He pays for his food, his shelter, his clothes, his medication… he pretty much pays to keep Saeran alive. He wants to help out, at least a little. Make some kind of significant contribution to Saeyoung’s life. All he does is mope around the house, occasionally drawing and going out for walks, but never anything… useful. He supposes he could start sharing his art online and see if he can get some kind of following, and maybe see if people are willing to pay money for the things he makes, but he’s not sure he has the confidence to put himself out there like that. It’s a huge deal for him. It makes him feel too vulnerable and exposed at this stage.

He groans and buries his head in his hands. This is more complicated than he thought.

 

* * *

 

He and Saeyoung are sitting at opposite ends of the sofa, and Saeran’s deep in thought as he hugs a cushion to his chest with his knees pulled up in front of it. He hasn’t stopped thinking about the possibility of university for the past two days. He’s never had any kind of formal education before, and the thought both terrifies and excites him. Maybe he should look into it a little more. Even if it’s nothing more than an impossible dream, just the idea of it gives him some degree of happiness.

Saeyoung laughs at an apparently funny part of the film they’re watching, and Saeran jumps a little in surprise. He’d been so distracted he’d forgotten they were even watching it.

“Something on your mind?” Saeyoung asks, and Saeran looks over at him. He has his head cocked to the side and his lips quirk up in a curious smile.

“Yeah.”

“Care to share?” Saeyoung encourages. He always does that. He says it’s better for Saeran to let all his thoughts out rather than keeping them bottled up, and as much as Saeran hated to admit it at first, it does make him feel better.

Saeran sighs and hugs the cushion closer to his chest. “I’m just thinking about how I want to help,” he mumbles.

“Help? What do you mean?” Saeyoung asks in obvious confusion. Right. Saeran’s still not very good at the whole communication thing, and he forgets that he needs to be clearer for people to understand what he’s talking about.

“You,” he says. “Like… you look after me all the time, and I feel like I should do something with my life so I can at least help.” Did that make sense? He’s not quite sure how to articulate his thoughts.

Fortunately Saeyoung seems to understand.

“What, like… getting a job?”

Saeran shrugs. “Eventually, yeah. But I was thinking more along the lines of university.”

Saeyoung’s eyes widen at that and he sits up straighter.

“You want to go to university?” he asks. Saeran hates that he can’t read the expression in his voice. Is that a good reaction? He can’t tell, so he just nods.

“Yeah. I looked at jobs at first, but I… I’m not sure I can handle that yet,” he admits guiltily. “I know university is a lot of work, but I feel like it’s the safer choice.” He pauses and buries his face in the cushion. “Dunno how I’m supposed to get in, though. Or even pay for it. It’s a stupid idea.”

“No!” Saeyoung says suddenly, and Saeran looks back up at him in surprise. “I think it’s a good idea. If you want to, then we should definitely see what we can do about it.”

“Really?” Saeran’s not sure how he feels. Now that the idea’s out in the open, it’s become more real. More of a possibility.

“What would you study?” Saeyoung asks, but he obviously already knows the answer. Saeran doesn’t have any other interests.

“Art,” he says without hesitation. “But the entry requirements said something about grades, and I… don’t have any.” Saeyoung shakes his head, a grin forming on his face.

“We can work around that! We could talk to your doctor and therapist and get some forms explaining the situation.”

“You can do that?” Saeran says in surprise.

“Yep!” Saeyoung says. He seems excited about this. “There’s a thing you can fill in for extenuating circumstances, which you’ll definitely fall under. And there’s disability support at every university, so they’ll know about your situation and help you out. It’s confidential,” he adds quickly when he sees Saeran’s expression. “As long as you can get your therapist’s permission, I don’t see why trying it out would be a problem!”

Saeran chews at his lip for a moment and stares blankly at the screen. It all sounds so simple when it’s put like this, but there’s still a big factor Saeyoung hasn’t mentioned.

“What about money?”

“Well, you’d still be living here, right?” Saeyoung says thoughtfully, and Saeran nods.

“I want to go somewhere close.”

“Then there won’t be any extra costs for accommodation or food. I’ll just have to pay the fees and for whatever materials you might need.”

Saeran shrinks into himself a little. The whole point of this was to be _less_ of a burden on Saeyoung, but now it sounds like it’s only going to be even more trouble.

“Hey,” Saeyoung says softly, shifting closer on the sofa and placing a gentle hand on Saeran’s shoulder. “It’s okay. I have plenty of money left over from the agency. Probably enough to put you through university ten times!” Saeyoung laughs a little. “Okay, that might be a bit of an exaggeration, but I definitely have more than enough. And what better to spend it on?”

Saeran frowns, not convinced.

“I don’t know about this,” he mumbles.

“You’re doing it because you want to, right?” Saeyoung asks quietly. “Not just because you feel like you’re weighing down on me? Because I can tell you right now that you’re not. You should only do this if you really want to.”

“I do,” Saeran says in a small voice. “I do want to. I… I want to feel normal.”

“Then that’s okay,” Saeyoung says, giving him a gentle smile. “But you can drop out at any time if it gets too much.”

Saeran nods. He’s got to admit, while this conversation has weighed on his anxieties significantly, it’s also made him realise just how much he really does want to experience some kind of normalcy. Nothing in his life has been normal so far, and this feels like a step forwards for him.

“I really want to do this,” he says with a little more determination. “But… I don’t really know where to start. The websites are confusing, and I don’t know the first thing about applying.”

Saeyoung’s eyes seem to glint a little in the light.

“I know just the person to ask.”


	2. Future plans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is hnnnnnffggg I'm not sure about it but here it is anyway.

_Stage 5: Future plans._

Saeran wakes up to the sound of talking in the living room, and considering his bedroom is right near it, it’s really fucking annoying. He doesn’t care enough to try and listen in to whatever the excited voices are saying, and he groans and pulls his duvet up over his head to try and block them out.

But it’s too late. He’s awake now, and if the talking continues there’s no way he’ll be able to sleep. He aggressively throws his multiple blankets to the side. Saeran is the furthest thing from a morning person anyone could ever be.

He looks over at the clock on his bedside table and sees that it reads 11:25am. Huh. It’s not as early as it feels. Not that he has any way of telling because the bunker has _no fucking windows_.

He pushes himself to his feet and stretches his limbs out, clicking his back as he does. He always gets cold in the night no matter the season, so currently his sleepwear consists of long pyjama bottoms and a sweater along with warm socks. But out of the cocoon of warmth that is his bed he still feels cold, so he grabs a hoodie and pulls it on to try and warm himself up. The voices are still talking outside his room and he rubs his eyes and runs his fingers through his hair. The first one is obviously Saeyoung, but he doesn’t know who the other could be. Probably someone else from the RFA, because Vanderwood sure as hell wouldn’t be talking to Saeyoung like this.

He sleepily pushes open his creaky bedroom door.

“Saeran!” Saeyoung says happily, and Saeran looks at him, not bothering to stifle a yawn. “You’re awake.”

“Barely,” he retorts. “You woke me up.” He glances at the other person guilty of this crime, and sees the somewhat familiar head of blonde hair that belongs to Saeyoung’s best friend, Yoosung Kim. He doesn’t know Yoosung all that well, but he’s fairly unthreatening so he doesn’t have an issue whenever he’s at the bunker hanging out with Saeyoung. Although, right now he feels a little vulnerable in his pyjamas.

“Sorry,” Saeyoung apologises sheepishly.

“Hey,” Yoosung says, shooting a smile at Saeran that makes his dimples show and the corners of his purple eyes crinkle. Does he do that on purpose? The whole cute thing? There’s no way he doesn’t know he’s cute, and Saeran gets the impression he plays it up on purpose.

“Hi,” Saeran greets him, padding past them towards the kitchen.

“Oh, Saeran,” Saeyoung says quickly before he disappears through the door, and Saeran turns his head to look back at him again, trying to hide his irritation. “I invited Yoosung over to help out with looking at university stuff.”

Saeran feels himself wake up a little more at that, and he rubs his eyes one last time, blinking in surprise.

“Huh?”

“Yeah. I mean, I’m at university at the moment,” Yoosung says, still smiling. Does he ever stop? “So I could help you out if you needed it. I know about applications and stuff…”

“Oh,” Saeran says, not entirely sure how to react. “Um… okay. That’ll be good. I… uh, I was just getting kind of confused looking at the websites. I don’t know where to start.”

“Okay! I can help with that!” Yoosung says. God, his kid is way too bright in the mornings. Saeran feels like he needs to shield his eyes or something so he’s not blinded by his fucking smile.

“Cool. But I gotta get ice cream first.”

“You’re having ice cream for breakfast again?” Saeyoung says disapprovingly.

“Piss off,” Saeran shoots at him through a yawn as he turns back around and walks into the kitchen, closing the door behind him.

His brain hasn’t quite kicked itself into action yet. It’s times like these that Saeran wishes he could experience coffee. He’s read about how it wakes you up and makes you feel better in the mornings, but with Saeran’s medication, anxiety, and how weak his body is from all the drugs he was on at Mint Eye, he’d probably fucking die if he drank it. No caffeine for him. He’s only had caffeine once – half a PhD Pepper at his brother’s insistence – and he found himself shaking so hard he couldn’t see properly. That along with the heart palpitations made him figure out that… yeah, maybe he doesn’t want to drink coffee so badly.

He pulls the ice cream out of the freezer and doesn’t even bother getting a bowl, instead sitting down at the kitchen table with the tub and a large spoon. Ice cream works just as well for him as he imagines coffee does for other people.

So, Yoosung’s going to help him with university stuff. That’s kind of reassuring, actually. Saeyoung went to University, but that was in the United States and it was a while ago. It doesn’t really compare to Yoosung’s far more recent experience which is actually in Korea. Yoosung can help him look at the websites and figure out where he wants to go and what he needs to do to get there. Saeyoung can help him with all the medical stuff – the extenuating circumstances thing that he mentioned. And… this is actually happening. If Saeran can get in, he might _actually_ be going to university. This feels like the first step towards living a normal life. Of course, his anxiety is going to be awful to start with, but he feels like ultimately it will help. In the future he’ll look back and be able to consider at least that part of his life normal.

He shovels the ice cream into his mouth and feels himself waking up properly. This is crazy. A month ago he wouldn’t have thought this would be possible. He wouldn’t say he’s exactly happy in his life right now, but he’s not angry like he used to be. He still has depression and anxiety, but his medication and therapy are working to help that. His PTSD is the worst of his illnesses right now because that creeps up unannounced, triggered by something he didn’t even know was a trigger for him. But, again, he’s dealing with it and it’s a hell of a lot better than he used to be. He feels like he’s in a place where he’s ready for the next step. Ready to push himself a little more.

And if it’s art, there’s no way he’ll hate it.

He sighs and leans back in his chair, just listening to the somehow still enthusiastic chatter coming from the other room. Maybe someday Saeran will find a friend like that. He can’t imagine himself talking that much, but someone he can have a good time with would be kind of nice.

After a little while he finishes the ice cream and pushes himself to his feet, tossing away the empty tub and putting the spoon in the sink. He opens the door to the living room and stands in the doorframe a little awkwardly. Are they going to look at university stuff right now? Or are Saeyoung and Yoosung hanging out first? He doesn’t know how to ask.

Yoosung spots him and waves him over. He’s still smiling. Don’t his cheeks ache? Saeran walks over to them and Saeyoung spins around, wrapping his arms around his legs just as he’s about to sit down.

“My favourite person!” Saeyoung announces as Saeran stumbles to keep his balance.

“What the fuck,” Saeran growls, trying to shove Saeyoung off him.

“Hey, I thought _I_ was your favourite person,” Yoosung complains, and when Saeran looks at him he’s pouting but _still smiling_. Luckily, Yoosung’s words cause Saeyoung to let go of him and throw his arms around Yoosung instead.

“You’re my two favourite people!” he compromises, and Saeran rolls his eyes and sits down next to Saeyoung. There’s already a laptop in front of them, so Saeran grabs it and gets started. He may as well do something useful while Saeyoung’s being a fucking idiot.

He types in the web address for three universities he’d liked the look of and opens them all in different tabs to start comparing, even though he’s pretty sure he knows his favourite already.

“Wait!” Saeyoung squeals, and suddenly he’s climbing over Saeran and blocking his view of the screen.

“Saeyoung,” Saeran groans, trying to push him off. Saeyoung plops down on the other side of him.

“It makes sense for you to sit in the middle,” Saeyoung says, pretending to be offended. “I was only trying to help.”

“Oh! You like SKY University?” Yoosung says, shuffling closer and leaning in to look at the laptop. He’s… really close. Saeran’s not used to being close to people. He gets nervous about touch, but as soon as he’s comfortable with someone he never wants to let go. So far that’s only happened with Saeyoung, and he was overjoyed at the sudden increase in hugs. It helps calm him down from his anxiety.

But right now, Yoosung’s thigh is pressing against his and he doesn’t know how to react. Sure, he knows Yoosung. But he doesn’t know him _well_. Saeran’s brain is somewhere between freaking out and completely relaxing. He clears his throat.

“Yeah. It has a good art course, and the facilities look good too,” he says with a nod as he finds the art course he likes and scrolls down the page a little. God, he hopes his voice sounds normal. “Do you know it?”

“I go there!” Yoosung says excitedly, and Saeran looks at him in surprise.

“You do?”

“Yep! It’s really good.” Yoosung nods eagerly, and for some reason he reminds Saeran of a puppy. It makes him relax a little more. He likes puppies. “It’s pretty big and there are lots of buildings, so it might be difficult to find your way around at first. But it’s not too bad! And you can download an app on your phone to find where you need to go. It’s called ‘SKY Buildings’.”

This is… way more useful than Saeran expected, and it makes the university a little more appealing. If there’s already someone there he knows, it feels kind of like a safety net.

“Are there lots of people?” Saeran asks.

“Yeah. Like I said, it’s a big place. But you’ll probably only really see people on your course,” Yoosung explains. He gesticulates a lot when he talks. It’s kind of cute, actually. Yoosung turns to look at the screen. “I’ve never been in the art block, but I’ve walked past it and peeked through the windows, and it looks super cool!”

Saeran can feel a weird kind of excitement starting to bubble up inside him, and he turns back to the screen too.

“All the arts buildings are near each other, so we’ll be on opposite sides of campus,” Yoosung says a little sadly.

“What do you study?” Saeran asks. He realises he hasn’t asked already, and he wonders if that’s rude.

“I’m studying to be a vet!” Yoosung says, looking at him with a grin. “I’ll be in the science buildings most of the time.”

“How do lectures work?” Saeran asks.

“You’ll get a timetable with all the compulsory ones you need to go to,” Yoosung says. “And then when you join the university you’ll get an email account set up, and they’ll email you with lectures from other subjects that might help. Like, I get emailed a lot of maths ones.”

“So… um, there’ll be specific art lectures?”

“Yeah. But there’s also a History of Art course, so you might get emailed about those if they’re helpful. And maybe you’ll be suggested Literature or History or… I dunno, Theatre? Depends how you decide to specialise.”

“Specialise?”

“Oh, right. So, um, to start with you’ll be on just a general art course, but then you get to sign up for more specific modules and figure out what kind of direction you want to take it in.” Yoosung scratches the back of his head nervously. “I don’t know much about art, but I have a friend who went into animation from the art course. But you can do, like… um…” Yoosung looks back at the screen and clicks a few links. “Here! It tells you all the ways you can specialise!”

Yoosung talks a mile a minute, like he can’t wait to get every single thought out of his head. It’s strange. He’s the complete opposite of Saeran who only talks when he needs to.

Saeran looks at the list and it’s way longer than he expected. Animation, comics, digital art, drawing, fashion, interior decorating, painting, sculpting, set design… and those are only the ones that immediately stick out to him. He’d have to spend a lot of time going through this list.

“Woah,” he says in surprise. He’ll get to pick from all these? Honestly, he doesn’t know what he’d choose. Maybe one of the more vague ones like drawing or painting. But he’s never tried digital art before, so that could be fun. And for some reason he really likes the idea of designing sets for theatres.

“What kind of direction are you thinking of going?” Saeyoung asks, and Saeran jumps a little. He’d kind of forgotten he was there.

“Um… I’m not sure,” Saeran admits. “I hadn’t really thought further than just art.”

“That’s okay!” Yoosung says. “Most people don’t decide straight away. A lot of people keep their modules pretty broad so they have more options.”

“Oh, okay,” Saeran says in relief. That’s reassuring. He starts bouncing his knee a little – the one not touching Yoosung – something he usually does when he’s nervous, but right now it’s more to do with excitement. “It asks for a portfolio. What… what kind of portfolio?”

“I’m pretty sure it’s just a general art portfolio. It can be anything you’ve made,” Yoosung says. “Your sketchbook would probably be a good idea, and then maybe some other things. Your best work! What you’re proud of, just so they can get an idea of your abilities right now.”

Saeran feels himself stiffen a little and his leg stops bouncing. Crap, he’d forgotten this would mean he’d actually have to show people his art. And not just show them, but have them judge it.

“Hm,” he says, trying not to show his sudden change of mood as he stares at the screen. He can practically feel Saeyoung and Yoosung exchanging a glance behind him and he can’t stop himself sighing. “Yeah. I know. I’ve just… never showed anyone my art before.” He chews at his lip. He hasn’t even shown Saeyoung or his therapist, although both have asked multiple times. He’s not sure why he’s so reluctant. Just the idea of them hating it sends dread rushing through him, and he knows that both of them would tell him how good it was even if they thought it was awful.

“Well… uhm… maybe you could practice by showing us?” Yoosung suggests, and Saeran immediately shakes his head, the familiar sense of horror racing through his entire body and clenching in his chest. His art is something personal. He made it for _him_ , no one else, and the thought of exposing himself like that and sharing something so private is… unthinkable.

So, here it is. The first real obstacle.

He slams the laptop screen down and jumps to his feet so fast he hears Yoosung and Saeyoung both make a noise of surprise from either side of him.

“Thanks, Yoosung,” he says as he strides over to his room as quickly as he can. He needs to be alone.

“Oh, um… you’re welcome. Are you going to apply?”

Saeran bites at his lip for a second, coming to a stop in the doorway of his room. He doesn’t turn around to face them, not wanting to see the look of surprise and disappointment that’ll no doubt be on Yoosung’s face.

“I’ll think about it.”

And with that, he closes the door and locks himself away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pls give feedback I want to improve ;__;


	3. Overcoming barriers

_Stage 6: Overcoming barriers._

Fuck depression. Fuck anxiety. Fuck _this_.

Why does his brain have to be so full of this darkness? Saeran _knows_ his art is at least decent, but the thought of showing it to anyone still makes him want to vomit. This is stupid, and the worst part is that he _knows_ it’s stupid.

But he can’t imagine himself being able to break through the illogical wall of self-doubt his brain has built around him.

The obvious decision would be to show some of his work to Saeyoung. He’s closer to him than he is to anyone else, and he knows that there’s nothing bad that could come from just showing him a sketch. It should be easy. It should be normal. His head is making this a big deal when it really isn’t at all. He just needs to show him one stupid sketch, and then maybe he’ll be able to break the mental block and be more open to displaying something so personal. But he _can’t_. It’s been three days since Yoosung came over to help, and he can still feel the dread flooding through his veins at the suggestion he’d made. Saeran and Saeyoung are _twins_. They experienced the shittiest childhood in the world together. Why the fuck is showing him some stupid art so difficult?

Suddenly, something strikes him that he hadn’t considered before. He’d been so preoccupied by his inability to show Saeyoung his art, that he hadn’t considered that… maybe that’s the problem. Maybe he feels like he’s _too_ close to Saeyoung to show him a part of his soul, and that it would make it even worse if he lied to him and told him his art is good when it’s not.  Because he knows Saeyoung would do that to save his feelings from getting hurt. He doesn’t want that. He wants the truth, harsh as it may be. Maybe he needs someone a bit more disconnected from him. Someone who will be honest and open about what they really think.

There’s only one person he can think of.

He pulls out his phone and quickly types out a message before he changes his mind.

 

 **Me:** Hi, can you come over?

 

The response is quicker than he expected.

 

 **Yoosung:** Sure! Need help with uni stuff?

 **Me:** Yeah.

 **Yoosung:** Okay! Be there in 20.

 **Me:** Don’t tell Saeyoung.

 **Me:** Please.

 **Yoosung:** It can be our secret.

 

Saeran lets out a sigh of relief. Yoosung’s supposed to be his safety net, right? Well, Saeran kind of made that decision by himself, but Yoosung _did_ offer to look at his art when he was round a few days ago, so he’s just taking him up on that. And Yoosung always seems to display his emotions for the world to see which will make it easier to gauge his reaction.

But what does he show him?

He flicks through his sketchbook, stomach twisting and turning.

_It’ll be okay. It’ll be okay. It’ll be okay._

There are lots of studies in this sketchbook. Maybe that would be a safe choice, because it’s not Saeran’s original work. If he showed Yoosung a page of hands he’s drawn, that wouldn’t be so bad. If he thinks they’re shit then that would just mean he needs to practice drawing hands more. It wouldn’t mean Saeran has no skill whatsoever.

Saeran’s flicked through his sketchbook probably twenty times when his phone buzzes again.

 

 **Yoosung:** I’m outside!

 

He slams his sketchbook shut and pushes himself to his feet so quickly his chair falls over. He doesn’t care. He just heads to the door and types in the code to open it.

“Hi!” Yoosung says, grinning at him. He’s obviously a little uncertain about why he’s here, but he seems enthusiastic anyway.

“You need to be honest, okay?” Saeran says, getting straight to the point as he steps back so Yoosung can come inside.

“I… okay,” Yoosung agrees. “About what?”

Saeran sucks in a deep breath and closes his eyes. The pause goes on for far too long as he works up the courage to respond, but Yoosung’s patient. And, actually, his presence is kind of… calming.

“I want you to look at my art,” he says quickly, and he opens his eyes to see Yoosung’s reaction. His eyes widen in surprise.

“Oh! Of course! Is this to practice for the portfolio?”

Saeran gives him a curt nod and closes the door to the bunker before heading to his room. He can hear Yoosung following him. Maybe he’s being rude, but right now he just needs to focus on not chickening out.

Once he’s in his room, he picks up his closed sketchbook and clutches it to his chest, turning around to see Yoosung as he enters the room. He swallows nervously.

“I… um… I want you to be as honest as you can,” Saeran reiterates. “I don’t want you to sugar-coat it if it’s shit. Just… a natural reaction, I guess? No holding back.”

Yoosung nods, and Saeran half-thinks he’s going to salute or something. Saeran opens his sketchbook to a double page spread of hands he’s drawn, but still keeps it out of Yoosung’s sight.

“I’m gonna start with studies,” he says, partly to stall for time.

“Right,” Yoosung says, nodding again.

“Um…” Saeran’s eyes dart around the room for a moment. “Should we… sit somewhere?”

“On your bed?” Yoosung suggests, glancing at it. He’s quiet today. As though Saeran’s the more important one right now and all attention is focused on him. Saeran nods and heads over to sit down on the bed, crossing his legs. Yoosung does the same, sitting opposite.

Saeran keeps staring down at the two pages of hands he’s drawn. He’s fairly proud of them. They didn’t turn out as badly as he’d expected, but he’s still nervous. He feels like he needs time to gather his thoughts before he can turn the sketchbook around and bare himself to Yoosung like that.

“Sorry,” he says hoarsely, hunching over himself a little.

“It’s okay,” Yoosung says, and he can hear the smile in his voice. “Take all the time you need. I’m here to help!”

Saeran’s finger taps nervously against the hard cover of the sketchbook as he clutches it.

“Maybe this was a mistake,” he rasps.

“I don’t think it was,” Yoosung counters quickly. “This is a fear you can’t overcome by yourself. I’ll sit here all day if I need to. I’ll even come back tomorrow and the day after and the day after and however long it takes.”

Saeran’s head snaps up to look at him, seeing a soft smile on his face. It’s not as overwhelming as some of the other ones he’s seen, but somehow it contains just as much happiness. Just as much reassurance. Why is Yoosung being so nice? They’ve only spoken a handful of times, and this is actually the first time they’ve talked without Saeyoung present. Yoosung doesn’t owe him anything. He gets nothing out of this. So why is he doing it at all?

Saeran swallows. Those promises didn’t feel even a little bit empty. Would Yoosung really be willing to sit here for hours while Saeran fights with himself in his head? Does he want to waste his whole day doing nothing?

Saeran closes his eyes and looks down again.

“They’re just studies,” he says, more to himself than to Yoosung. “They’re just studies. Stupid fucking studies. It doesn’t even matter if they’re shit because that’s what studies are _for_. They’re not meant to be perfect.” Saeran clutches the sketchbook more tightly. “They’re meant to be rough and they’re meant to show improvement and they’re… they’re… they don’t _matter_.” God, he’s rambling, and Yoosung isn’t saying a word. What happened to him spilling out all his thoughts at once? Why have their roles suddenly been reversed?

Saeran shuffles closer to him, still not looking up, until their knees are pressed together. He exhales heavily. Human contact is nice. Yoosung’s knees are warm and it feels like they’re pumping comfort into him right now.

Before he loses his nerve he quickly tosses the open sketchbook into Yoosung’s lap, and Yoosung carefully turns it round so it’s the right way up. He doesn’t lift it up, and Saeran’s glad. Keeping the drawings in his line of sight makes him feel more in control.

“Woah,” Yoosung breathes as he looks down at the pages. Saeran looks up at him to try and figure out his reaction, heart racing faster than it did that time he had caffeine.

“Woah?” Saeran repeats, nerves absolutely flooding his voice.

“These are awesome, Saeran,” Yoosung says. “All the positions and angles… did you draw these from photos?”

“Yeah,” Saeran says, feeling something unravelling inside him. One thing he likes about Yoosung is how he wears his emotions for the world to see. It makes him easier to trust because it’s impossible for him to hide anything. He seems genuinely impressed by these studies. “I took pictures of my own hands.”

“Really?! These are your hands? That’s so cool.” Yoosung clears his throat. “I… um, I don’t know much about art, but I like how dark these are. Like, the lines. They’re really… solid? Is that the right word? I don’t know. I can tell you drew them.”

“Really?” Saeran breathes, barely daring to believe it. Yoosung looks up at him and nods, smile getting wider.

“Yeah! I can see your art style, even just through these studies!” he says.

“There’s… there’s mouths on the next page,” Saeran mumbles.

“Can I look?”

Saeran looks back down at the sketchbook before giving him a small nod. Yoosung turns the page.

Now that the barrier is broken, it’s like he can feel all the tension rushing out of him, and every word Yoosung says gradually releases more of it from his brain and into a void, hopefully never to be seen again.

“Oh!” Yoosung lets out a small gasp. “Oh, these are awesome! All the expressions are super cool. God, I wish I could draw.”

Saeran’s heart is still racing, but he doesn’t feel like he’s about to panic anymore, which is definitely a welcome change.

“You could try?” he suggests, and Yoosung giggles. Actually _giggles_. And now it’s like the tension was never there at all.

“I don’t think I have the dedication to keep it up,” Yoosung admits. “I get too frustrated when I can’t do something right away.” He pauses to look at the drawings a little more. “Sorry if I’m not being very helpful, by the way. I really know nothing about art other than that I can’t do it.”

“It’s fine,” Saeran says breathlessly. “It’s… more than I needed anyway.”

“Good!”

“I… um… can I show you an original drawing?” he asks. Now that he has more confidence, he wants to keep rolling with it for as long as he can.

“Yes!” Yoosung says excitedly. Saeran flips the sketchbook back round and slides it from Yoosung’s lap to his, flicking through a few pages of studies before reaching a drawing he did a few weeks ago. He’d been having weird, medication-induced dreams at the time, and a recurring theme was this particular human-like figure who seemed to emit light and scare away all the darkness in his head. He’s not sure how well he captured it in a pencil drawing – it would probably be better as a painting – but he flips the sketchbook back round for Yoosung to see anyway.

“Wow!” Yoosung squeaks, fingers hovering over the page as though he wants to touch it. “Is it an angel?”

Saeran shrugs. “I don’t know. It’s something from my dreams.”

“It’s really bright. Like… it looks like it’s glowing like an angel,” Yoosung says. “I love it, Saeran. You’re amazing at drawing. And I’m not just saying that! I wish I could draw as well as you.”

Saeran feels a warmth growing in his heart at that.

“Can I see more?” Yoosung asks, looking up at Saeran eagerly, and Saeran feels himself smile.

“Sure.”

He turns the page.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the deal, I'm not having too much trouble keeping up with NaNoWriMo, but I'm having trouble keeping up with the editing and posting. Soooo the chapters won't be posted as quickly as I write them. I have the next one written already, but I still need to edit it because it's supper messy at the moment. Maybe it'll be up in a few days? Updates will still be regular (hopefully...yikes)


	4. Getting the ball rolling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Turns out it's more difficult than I expected to keep up with the NaNoWriMo daily word target and go back and edit previous chapters at the same time, so I'm currenly in the situation where I've written thirteen (13) _entire hecking chapters_ but not reread them and made them less shitty. So. Can't promise when the next chapter will be up but I _can_ promise there will be at least 13 chapters of this fic.

_Stage 7: Getting the ball rolling._

Saeran’s ready.

Actually, that’s a lie. But it’s the lie he has to keep thinking to convince himself to go through with this.

Yoosung was far more helpful than he’d expected him to be. He hadn’t realise how much he’d been craving validation, and although Yoosung’s comments on his art had been overwhelmingly positive, he had also been honest in telling Saeran which pieces he preferred and for what reason. It was very mild constructive criticism, but is was criticism nonetheless, which means Saeran feels like maybe he’ll be able to handle a few strangers looking at his work.

He’s sitting on the sofa with his laptop propped on his knees as he works through his online form. It’s asking him such basic questions, but he doesn’t know the answer to so many of them. Most ordinary people would be able to answer these with no problem, but he _can’t_. For example, it’s asking him about his sexuality. He’s never given it much thought before. He’s never had to. He could always choose the option that reads _‘prefer not to say’_ , but to him that feels like failure. He _wants_ to know what he is, but all these options… he hasn’t heard of some of them. He knows gay, straight, bisexual, and he can take a pretty good guess at what asexual is, but these other ones? Pansexual? What the hell is that? And demisexual? Is that where you’re attracted to demi-gods? That seems incredibly specific. At least he can rule out the lesbian option. And the straight one, actually. He’s definitely not that.

“Saeyoung, am I gay?” he asks after staring at all the options for far too long. He’s gone over them all in his head, but he still doesn’t know what some of them mean. Saeyoung tears his eyes from the TV screen in surprise.

“Oh… uh, I mean, do you like men romantically and sexually?” he asks. Saeran shrugs.

“I guess so. Never really thought about it much.”

“Do you like women and other genders in that way?”

Saeran pauses, trying to imagine himself with a woman, but he can’t. He tries to imagine himself with someone neither male nor female. He guesses that’s more possible, but there’s not much of a doubt that his brain overwhelmingly favours guys.

“Not really. I guess I like guys,” Saeran decides selecting the option on his screen. “But what’s pansexual? And demisexual?”

“Pansexual is when someone’s attracted to all genders, and demisexual is when someone only feels sexual attraction once they know a person well enough.”

“Huh. Okay.”

That makes more sense than being attracted to pans and demi-gods.

To be honest, this question seems kind of irrelevant to his application, but whatever. It’s under some kind of section to do with diversity, and was obviously an optional question because of the ‘ _prefer not to say’_ choice. But he kind of wanted to figure it out. Labelling himself in that way gives himself more structure and control. A lot of the time he feels like a weird, shapeless shadow surrounded by even more shadows, but surprisingly now he feels like he has at least some kind of vague form. He is Saeran Choi and he is gay.

This application almost helps him feel like he’s building his identity. It’s forcing him to consider things he’d never thought about, and it’s kind of nice to know there’s a person under all this depression. It asks him about his gender, and he goes to click male but then sees there are more the standard two options of ‘male’ and ‘female’. There’s a ‘non-binary’ option and an ‘unsure’ option. There’s a question asking him if he considers himself transgender. And holy fuck, he never knew all these things existed before today, but the world suddenly seems a whole lot more colourful.

Later that day, Saeyoung reads through his application and attaches all the medical documents he’s gathered and fills in something about disabilities, and before he knows it the application has been sent. Saeran had refused to look at the medical forms. He already _knows_ how fucked up he is. He doesn’t need to be reminded.

It feels strange. Like there’s no way this can be real. A week or so ago, this had been nothing more than a distant hope. An impossible dream. But now it’s actually _happening_ and he might be going to university. He’s taken a step to joining the real world.

It feels like a big ‘fuck you’ to his mother and Mint Eye. It doesn’t matter that they tried their absolute hardest to ruin him – he _can_ be normal.

He feels excited and nervous. His application was bare at best (he’s incredibly anxious about the fact he had to leave the education section blank), but he can’t help but feel hopeful about it. If everything goes well then he’ll be asked to an interview, and he’ll be absolutely fucking destroyed by anxiety but he _has_ to. He wants to try and get over his fear and step into his life at last.

He can’t sit still and do nothing, and he still needs to thank Yoosung, so he decides to text him.

 

 **Me:** I sent my application.

 **Me:** Thanks for helping me, by the way.

 **Yoosung:** It’s no problem at all!

 **Yoosung:** I’m so excited for you!

 **Yoosung:** I can’t wait to show you around campus.

 **Me:** That would be nice

 **Me:** but you don’t have to if you don’t want to.

 **Yoosung:** I do I do I do!!

 **Yoosung:** We could hang out for lunch sometimes too, if you wanted to?

 **Me:** Sure.

 

Saeran feels something weird bubbling inside him. Why is Yoosung so nice to him? Why is he so understanding and patient and friendly when he gets absolutely nothing out of it? Surely Saeran’s just eating into his time and distracting him when he could be playing that game he plays, or studying, or hanging out with his friends. But he seems so eager to help that it almost feels rude to refuse. Not that he wants to.

He’s his safety net, after all.

 

* * *

 

It’s 11:32am a few days later when Saeran gets an email notification on his phone.

 

_Your application status has been updated._

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. He barely has time to think before he leaps off the sofa and rushes into Saeyoung’s office. He’s building some weird robot monkey thing, but he doesn’t hesitate shoving his phone in his face.

“They’ve responded.”

“What?” Saeyoung says, trying to catch up. He adjusts his glasses and looks at the screen, and his eyes light up when he reads it. “Are you gonna see what they said?!”

“I’m scared,” Saeran admits, and it’s true. His heart is beating so hard he feels like it might fall out his chest. He turns his phone back towards himself and sucks in a deep breath.

There’s a moment of silence where Saeran tries to gather his courage to click the link to take him to the response. Why is this so fucking difficult? Are they _trying_ to make it this hard to get into university?

He clicks it. _He clicks it!_

He blinks twice and stares at the screen, reading it as quickly as he can before he has a chance to chicken out.

_We have reviewed your application and would like to invite you to an interview. Please bring a portfolio of your best work – see attached document for information on what kind of content we expect._

Underneath is listed a date and time for his interview, and Saeran feels like he can’t breathe. He’s made it past the first hurdle. He’s _actually_ taken the first step, and now he moves on to the second in six days. His interview is in six days.

Fuck. Six days isn’t long at all.

How is he supposed to mentally prepare? How is he supposed to gather his portfolio? He has so much to do.

“I got it,” he breathes. “I have an interview.”

Saeyoung all but screeches as he jumps to his feet, throwing his arms around Saeran.

“I knew you could do it!” he says triumphantly.

“But… an interview…” Saeran looks at Saeyoung, anxiety suddenly flooding him. “How am I… how am I supposed to…?”

“Saeran,” Saeyoung says seriously, placing both hands on his shoulders and looking him directly in the eyes. “I know you’ll probably think I’m just saying this, but hear me out, okay? You’re genuinely an incredible person. The interviewers will be amazed by your work, and chances are they’ll have interviewed people who are way weirder than you.” Saeran frowns doubtfully. “They’re art students, after all. They’re _supposed_ to be weird,” he teases. “You’ll be amazing. You’re strong, you really are, and if you can face years of… what you faced, then an interview is _nothing_ in comparison to all that. It’ll be a breeze. You just have to be yourself and tell them how much you love art.”

Saeran swallows.

“But I don’t know what they’ll talk about. What if they find out how fucked up I am?”

“Listen, I know it sounds morbid, but some of the best artists have depression. The interviewers will know that. That won’t mean _anything_ to them, because it won’t stop you putting your emotions onto paper. It’ll just be different emotions to some other people.”

“But I… what if I’m not good enough.”

“Listen, Saeran, just be happy for now, okay? You’ve come this far and that’s _huge_. You’re pushing yourself. That in itself is amazing. They liked your application! They liked it enough to want to see you in person!”

Saeran still isn’t sure, although he knows Saeyoung’s right about one thing – he’s faced years of abuse and neglect and horrors beyond anything anyone should ever have to experience, and compared to all that what’s one dumb interview? Fifteen minutes of him talking about something he loves in order to progress in the world? How can that possibly be a bad thing?

He closes his eyes and breathes deeply. It’s really no big deal. It means nothing. He just has to do it. He has to try.

 

* * *

 

The morning of the interview, Saeran feels like he might vomit from the nerves swimming around in his stomach. He considers the possibility of him throwing up all over the interviewers and collapsing on the floor unable to even speak, let alone run away. It seems pretty likely.

He can’t stop thinking of all the ways he could possibly fuck up. What if his portfolio isn’t enough? What if it turns out he actually can’t get in without any previous grades? What if they think he’s too weird, and they’re worried he’ll hurt others? He doesn’t _want_ to hurt others, but even he’s worried about that. He can’t trust himself. He doesn’t know how he’ll act around a bunch of people he doesn’t know and has no control over.

God, this is too much.

Saeyoung has to dress him because he’s shaking too hard, and as he does he sings a song he used to sing when Saeran was crying when they were kids. Saeran’s not crying right now, but he feels _very_ close to it. Saeyoung’s singing is weirdly therapeutic, as is the feeling of his hands gently buttoning his shirt.

It’s obvious how pathetic Saeran is. He can’t even get dressed by himself.

But he has to do this. _He has to._

Saeyoung gives him a little extra of his anxiety medication today, which Saeran is impossibly grateful for. All his meds are closely monitored by his brother. He doesn’t really need to anymore, but they got into the habit back when Saeran was aggressive and actively suicidal all the time. And now Saeran prefers it this way. He doesn’t want to be any more of a liability than he has to be. Saeyoung knows best. He always did.

SKY University is within walking distance, but Saeyoung drives him because it’s obvious there’s no way Saeran will be able to walk. Saeran clutches his portfolio as it sits in his lap, probably creasing some of the work inside the folder, but he doesn’t care right now. Some stupid fucking creases on paper won’t make a single difference to the outcome of this interview.

Or will they? Fuck. Saeran lets go like it’s burnt him and tries desperately to flatten it back out.

God. He’s a train wreck.

The car comes to a stop. Saeyoung’s driven right up to the main building and stopped the car just a few steps away from the door to the reception.

“I’ll be right out here,” he promises, and Saeran gives him a tight nod. His stomach is twisting and turning as he slowly opens the car door and steps outside. He slams it shut and walks towards the small but intimidating door, his legs not even feeling like his own.

He doesn’t remember walking inside, but suddenly he’s standing in front of the receptionist who’s looking at him with a smile. He doesn’t even know how long he’s been standing here or if the receptionist has spoken to him yet.

“I… uh… interview?” he says helplessly.

“Of course! Saeran Choi, is it?” the receptionist asks brightly, and Saeran doesn’t trust himself to do anything other than nod. “Your interview is in that room just there.” He points to the door behind Saeran. “We don’t usually interview at this time of year, so you can go right in. They won’t be busy. Good luck!”

Saeran nods and spins around, coming to a stop just outside the door.

God, what the fuck is he doing? He can’t do this. There’s no _way_ he can do this. He’s literally going to fall to the floor in a panic and they’re not going to know what the fuck to do.

But his determination is seeping through the anxiety, and it pushes his hand up to knock on the door. That’s the polite thing to do. Saeyoung told him that.

“Come in,” calls a voice. Male. Saeran pushes the door open.

There’s two women and a man sitting in a row on chairs, with a chair positioned opposite them which Saeran assumes he should sit on. Does he wait until they offer a seat? He clears his throat and bows a little.

“I’m Saeran Choi,” he says, voice hoarse and shaky. He’s not making a good impression, and he knows it.

“Take a seat, Saeran,” says one of the women, gesturing to the seat in front of them. Saeran looks up at her. She has kind eyes and soft facial features, and her presence is far more soothing than he’d expected from an interviewer. He sits.

All of the interviewers are friendly. Of course, Saeran’s sitting on the edge of his seat the entire time, but he feels a lot less like vomiting once they start talking. Actually, it’s kind of nice to talk about art. They ask him questions, and he doesn’t have to try and formulate the socially acceptable response he knows he should offer. He just… answers. He talks about what he draws, how he draws, when he draws, what he draws with, what inspires him… and they listen attentively. He’s worried he’s being too basic and mediocre with his answers sometimes – he doesn’t exactly know the technical terms for anything – but they seem fairly impressed when they see his work.

And then, the dreaded question.

“So you’ve had no formal training before?”

Saeran feels himself tense up a little.

“No.”

“Your forms say you’ve never been to school. Is that correct?”

Saeran shrinks into himself. Here it is. The end of it all.

It was nice while it lasted.

“Yes.”

There’s a moment of silence and Saeran can feel his anxiety surge to an almost unbearable level. This was all for nothing. He has absolutely no base for his artwork. He just improvises. And he’s never even been to school. He can’t just waltz into one of the best universities in the country and expect to get a place

“Okay, just making sure the forms are correct,” one of the women says, looking at him with a smile. “Your circumstances are quite unique, Saeran, but we mean this when we say we’re thoroughly impressed with how far you’ve come by yourself. You definitely have a solid skill set already, and with some training you could absolutely make something from it.” Saeran feels his heart jump in surprise. That sounds… promising? He’s can feel a cautious optimism growing inside him.

When he finally leaves the room, the interviewers are all smiling, and Saeran finds he’s actually able to return the smile.

He keeps himself together as he exits the building, but as soon as he sets foot outside he collapses to the ground sobbing. It’s not long before he hears hasty footsteps and a worried voice begging him to tell him what happened. Saeran looks up at Saeyoung, who has his arms around him, and smiles through his tears.

“It… went… well…”

The relief he feels is better than anything he’s ever felt before. He doesn’t even know if he has a place yet, but just the fact he did this feels impossible. _He did it_. He actually fucking did it and acted like a semi-normal person. He did it! He did it! He wants to scream it from the rooftops.

Saeyoung looks at him in realisation, and Saeran sees tears appearing in his eyes too as he hugs him on the ground.

“I’m so proud of you,” Saeyoung says. “God, you’re so strong, you know that? I can’t… I can’t express how happy I am.” He stands and tugs Saeran’s arm to pull him to his feet and towards the car. “Let’s go celebrate.”

They spend the entire rest of the day playing videogames and eating nothing but junk food. By the end of the day Saeran’s full, greasy, and probably an absolute fucking mess, but he’s smiling. He’s smiling and he’s never felt better.

He did this. He got through the interview without his brother holding his hand. He did this _himself._

And that’s something no one can ever take away from him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you hadn't picked it up from this chapter, Saeran's gay.


	5. Fuck, was this a mistake?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what up, i'm ely, i'm 19, and i never fuckin learnt how to write

_Stage Eight: Fuck, was this a mistake?_

When he’d first come here for his interview, Saeran hadn’t been paying attention to what the campus of SKY University actually looked like. So now that he’s processing it it’s kind of overwhelming, but not entirely in a bad way. The buildings are all huge and pale and modern-looking with a lot more windows than is probably necessary. They’re definitely not ugly buildings by any standards, but the quiet colours manage to make the students themselves look more vibrant.

Saeran clutches the strap of his shoulder bag tightly. It’s his first day today, and Yoosung had promised to meet him in the spot Saeran’s standing in right now to show him around a bit before taking him to his first class. He’s wearing entirely black in the hopes that he’ll blend into the background to give himself time to adjust before jumping straight in. To say he’s nervous would be an understatement.

He’s constantly checking his phone for the time. Eight minutes until class starts.  This wouldn’t usually worry Saeran, except Yoosung had promised to meet him half an hour before class so they wouldn’t be rushing too much, and he’d seemed enthusiastic about it, so _where is he?_

His stomach is doing somersaults and he feels incredibly claustrophobic, despite being outside. There are so many people, and they’re all too busy to pay any attention to him at all. They’re just talking and hurrying past him to their classes, and for some reason that makes Saeran even more nervous. It’s not like he _wants_ people to pay attention to him, but at the same time feels incredibly disconnected right now. He thought being at university would help him feel normal, but maybe it’s just going to make him realise how isolated and alone he really is. How is he ever supposed to fit in with these people? They all seem so happy.

He checks his phone again. Yoosung’s cutting this pretty close. Maybe he forgot? Maybe he’s not coming? Maybe Saeran should try and find the building by himself? He has that app Yoosung mentioned before. He wants to text him, but his anxiety won’t let his fingers move over the right buttons. He would only be a bother. He should just try and deal with this himself. Yoosung’s not his fucking babysitter.

But he’s his safety net.

Saeran closes his eyes. He wants to curl up in a ball on the ground right now and cry. He made it here, but there’s no way he’s going to survive if this is how he feels on the first day before he’s even gone to any classes. How the fuck is he supposed to deal with this every day? There are noises surrounding him, coming at him from every direction until he feels like he’s suffocating. It’s deafening. His head is pounding and his heart is racing and he can hear the loud drumming in his ears from his pulse. Every word he hears people say is slicing through his head like a knife through butter and every laugh is jolting down his spine. He can’t do this. He can’t do this. He wants to go home but he can’t even bring his feet to move to carry him away from all the noise. His eardrums feel like they’re about to burst.

But then he hears it.

“Saeran!”

He hadn’t realised he’d closed his eyes until he opens them again to see Yoosung running towards him, backpack slung haphazardly over his shoulder and his hoodie slightly crumpled. If his hair’s anything to go by, it looks like he overslept. But, god, Saeran’s never been happier to see anyone. He’s here. Yoosung’s here.

“Yoosung,” he squeaks, relief overflowing into his voice. Yoosung skids to a stop in front of him, panting, with guilt flooding his face.

“I’m so sorry,” he apologises desperately, but Saeran barely hears him. He steps closer and grips hold of Yoosung’s arm to ground himself. If Yoosung thinks it’s strange, he doesn’t comment on it. “My alarm didn’t go off this morning so I missed my bus and had to get the next one.”

“It’s okay,” Saeran breathes. He’s clutching Yoosung’s arm pretty tightly. Is he hurting him? Yoosung doesn’t even seem to have reacted to the touch. “You’re here now.”

Yoosung nods and runs his free hand through his hair, trying to flatten it down. It’s sticking up even more than usual, but it doesn’t look bad on him. Lucky. Saeran’s bedhead is fucking awful.

“Okay, well I don’t have time to show you around right now, but I can still take you to class,” he says, still sounding overwhelmingly guilty as he tugs at his arm to pull Saeran in the right direction. Saeran eventually feels calm enough to let go of Yoosung, but he stays close to him as they walk for fear of accidentally touching anyone else. In general when he makes physical contact with someone he knows well, it’s comforting. That’s why he’d held onto Yoosung. When it’s anyone else, it feels like he has thorns digging into his skin. “Do you still want to meet up for lunch?” Yoosung asks, distracting Saeran from his anxiety for a second.

“I… are you sure?” Doesn’t Yoosung want to hang out with his friends at lunch? Surely he doesn’t want to have to look after him all the time.

“Of course I am!” Yoosung insists with a big smile. “It’s the least I can do. I _want_ to. It’ll be really good to hang out with you.”

“Okay,” Saeran agrees quietly.

“I’ll meet you in front of the art building.” Saeran nods.

Yoosung points just ahead of them. The building looks pretty much exactly like every other on campus, but it has a sign on it declaring it’s the art block. Saeran mentally tries to remember the route they took to get here.

“It’s just there. I would stay longer, but I gotta run if I want to get to class on time,” Yoosung says sheepishly. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Saeran says. “I can… I can do this.”

“I know you can!” Yoosung gently touches his arm and Saeran looks at him in surprise. Does Yoosung know about the touch thing? Yoosung blinks at him once and then pulls his hand away, cheeks slightly pink. “Anyway, see you at lunch!”

And with that he hurries off. He’s like a ball of energy, even in the mornings. Saeran feels like he should be exhausted, but instead he feels… confident. Well, more confident than he did before. He sucks in a deep breath and walks towards the building. His first class is in room G16, which is on the ground floor.

He walks inside and… woah. The colours are what hit him first. There’s art everywhere. Obviously he’d been expecting it, but fuck, this is all amazing. There are paintings covering every inch of the walls and there are sculptures and mannequins and installations scattered around the room. Saeran has to do some awkward stepping around and squeezing between things to get to where he needs to go. All this stuff is everything he’s ever dreamed of doing. How the hell is supposed to get to _this_ standard?

And this is only the foyer.

He swallows roughly and looks at the blue sign with the list of rooms on one of the walls. G16 is to the left, so he turns left and carefully examines every door he walks past to find the right one.

Here it is. Room G16. He’s three minutes early, but he has no doubt the room will be fairly full already. He inhales deeply and pushes the door open.

It looks like what he would imagine an ordinary classroom would look like, save for the paintings and drawings on the walls and the fact that the wooden desks are covered in paint that’s clearly too old to be cleaned off without damaging them. The chairs look cheap but fairly comfortable.

He tries to slow his racing heart. He was right about the room already being full. He’s going to have to sit next to someone unless he wants to sit at the front, which he _does not_.

His eyes scan the back row. No spaces there. The second row from the back? There’s one seat free, next to a girl with long, brown hair pulled back into a ponytail. She looks friendly enough. He thinks.

Saeran slowly walks over to the desk, feeling like all the eyes in the room are burning into him even though he knows that’s not true. He can _see_ that the most anyone’s looking at him is a curious glance before turning back to their phones or the person next to them or whatever they were doing before.

He reaches the desk and swallows nervously. The girls notices him and looks up from her phone in surprise.

“Is it okay if I sit here?” he asks, his voice miraculously not shaking. The girl smiles at him.

“Sure.”

Saeran lets out a sigh of relief and pulls out the chair to sit down, putting his bag on the desk. It feels kind of like a shield from the rest of the class.

“My name’s Eun Lee,” the girl introduces herself. Saeran looks at her. Fuck, introductions. He’d forgotten that.

“Oh, uh… I’m Saeran Choi.” Eun seems friendly enough, right? He still feels overwhelmingly anxious, but maybe he can get through this. He just needs to try and act normal.

“Nice to meet you, Saeran.”

“You too.”

And with that, she looks back down at her phone, her fingers typing furiously. Saeran isn’t sure what to do. Everyone seems to be on their phones but Saeran rarely ever looks at his. He only bothers with it if he gets a message or call, which is only ever from Saeyoung or, more recently, Yoosung. In his free time he just… draws. Would that be a weird thing to do right now? God, why the fuck would it be weird to draw in an _art_ class? But no one else is doing it, so he doesn’t want to draw attention to himself. God, this is stressful. The things he hadn’t even _considered_ are stressful.

Eventually, a man in his 50s walks into the room and launches into an explanation for the course. Saeran listens closely, not wanting to miss a single word. He’s scared that if he does he’ll fall behind, because surely he’s already at a disadvantage from never having been to school before.

But… on the whole, it doesn’t seem so bad. The class is pretty large (by his standards, at least – he doesn’t know if this is the size of a regular class) and he feels like he blends in among the other students, although he curses his stupid bright red hair. Maybe he should dye it darker. Although, there’s a guy with blue hair at the front, and a girl with purple hair, so maybe he doesn’t stick out so much after all. At least his is natural.

God, he just hopes he can get through this.


	6. Maybe it's not so bad

_Stage 9: Maybe it’s not so bad._

Saeran feels like he’s going to collapse with exhaustion by the time they’re dismissed for lunch. He’s never had such an impossibly overwhelming day before. At Mint Eye, he worked about as much as this, but he wasn’t constantly surrounded by _people_ , and strangers, at that. Also he was on the drugs so he doesn’t remember much, but that’s beside the point.

He totally forgets he was supposed to meet Yoosung until he hears him calling his name as he exits the building.

“Saeran!”

Saeran looks up and it only takes a second for his eyes to fall on Yoosung’s smiling face as he walks over to him. He looks a bit more pulled together now. He’s flattened his hair down and straightened out his clothes. And he doesn’t look so guilty anymore.

“Hi,” Saeran says with a small smile. All he wants right now is to crawl into bed and be alone for a few hours at least, but he can’t. He’s still got two classes left today. He just hopes they’re less draining. He’s not sure if he’ll be able to do this five days a week every single week. He’s starting to think that maybe he was so wrapped up in the idea of being ‘normal’ that he forgot to look at the glaringly obvious possibility that _he won’t actually be able to do this._

“Do you want to head to the cafeteria to get food?” Yoosung asks. For lack of a better suggestion, Saeran nods and they start walking.

“Is there anywhere… quiet to sit?” he asks nervously.

“Oh! Um, we can probably sit on the grass outside if you want to,” Yoosung says with a smile. There’s a beat of silence before he speaks again. “How has your day been?”

Saeran hesitates for a moment. It’s not exactly a _bad_ day, he’s just mentally exhausted in every way. “Good. But I’m tired.”

Yoosung smiles at his sympathetically. “Yeah, it’s pretty overwhelming at first, but you’ll get used to it! In my first week here I barely had any free time because I spent most of my time working and the rest of it sleeping. I’m used to it now, but it’s still tiring. It can be really rewarding though…”

Yoosung keeps talking as they walk to the cafeteria, and Saeran’s kind of glad that he doesn’t seem to expect any kind of response because his ability to socialise has been totally drained already today.

Once they get their food, they head back outside and Yoosung leads them to a much quieter area. There are a few people around, but they choose a spot under a tree, far enough away that Saeran’s anxiety is at the minimum it possibly can be.

“Thanks,” Saeran says as he sits down on the grass and starts eating his pasta. “I just… I’m not sure I can handle being around people right now.”

Yoosung nods and sits next to him. “That’s okay.”

They eat in a welcome silence for a while, and when Saeran’s finished he lies down and looks up at the sky. It’s a nice day today. Pretty sunny, but there are a few clouds that he watches lazily drift by. He wishes he felt as peaceful as they look.

“What do you think of SKY so far?” Yoosung asks quietly, as though trying not to surprise Saeran with his voice. For a second, Saeran thinks Yoosung’s talking about the actual sky rather than the university.

“It’s nice,” Saeran says honestly. “The buildings are pretty, and the people seem friendly.”

“Have you spoken to anyone?”

“Yeah. I sat next to this girl, Eun, in class.” Eun has been in all his classes so far, so he’s been sitting next to her. They don’t talk to each other much – it’s kind of like an unspoken agreement.

“Oh, that’s good. What’s she like?”

“Oh, uh… she’s nice?” Saeran says. He’s not sure why, but that feels like an odd question. He doesn’t even know her that well. How is he supposed to know what she’s like?

“Is the work okay?”

“Mmm, I’m not sure yet. It’s just been introductory classes today, but it feels like stuff I can handle. It’s not like it’ll feel like work. I do art all the time anyway.”

Yoosung laughs strangely, and Saeran turns his head to look at him as he sits with his legs crossed.

“What?” Saeran asks, narrowing his eyes.

“I… don’t think it works like that,” Yoosung says sheepishly, looking anywhere but Saeran. “You draw whatever you want, right? But with your homework here you’ll have to draw what they tell you to draw, or at least draw within the guidelines.”

“Oh.” Saeran turns to look back at the sky. “I guess. It’ll restrict me more, but I think I can still do it if it helps me improve.”

Yoosung giggles and Saeran looks at him in confusion.

“ _What?_ ” he asks again.

“Nothing,” Yoosung says, shaking his head. “Just… I don’t know. I like the way you speak.”

“The… way I speak?” Saeran frowns in confusion. Like, his voice? That seems pretty random.

“I dunno. Sorry! That’s weird.” Yoosung’s face flushes red and he looks down at his hands quickly.

Saeran looks back at the sky again. Does he speak strangely? He’s never considered it. Admittedly he hasn’t had much social interaction throughout his life, so it’s likely.

“It’s not in a bad way!” Yoosung says quickly. “You sound smart.”

“Huh.” Saeran thinks about that for a moment. “Or maybe you’re just stupid.”

It was a joke. Please say Yoosung understood it was a joke. He looks at him worriedly, and sighs in relief when he starts to giggle.

“Hey! No I’m not!”

Yoosung seems easy to talk to. Even if he’s probably been asked by Saeyoung to babysit him, it’s nice having someone around. It makes him feel more normal.

Almost like he has a friend.

 

* * *

 

When Saeran finally climbs into Saeyoung’s car at the end of the day, he’s absolutely shattered.

“Hey! How was your first day?” Saeyoung asks as Saeran shuts the door. Saeran sinks down in his seat.

“Good. I’m tired. Don’t talk to me.”

“Noo! You have to tell me everything! I gotta know,” Saeyoung insists as he starts the car and drives off, and Saeran sighs.

“Hung out with Yoosung at lunch. Met a nice girl called Eun who I sit next to. Teachers seem cool. Work seems doable. Gotta do some sketches for next week. Apparently have to start a project on another artist soon.” Saeran lists off what he can be bothered to remember from the day.

“Ooh, you made a friend?” Saeyoung says, sounding way too excited. “Eun. What’s she like?”

Why is everyone so obsessed with Eun? He wouldn’t even call her his friend. She’s just someone he sat next to and spoke to a little. It’s nothing to shit your pants about.

“She’s nice. I wouldn’t say we’re friends, though.”

“Maybe not yet, but soon you will be!” Saeyoung declares.

“Whatever. She’s friendly and likable, unlike you,” Saeran shoots at him. Saeyoung clutches his hand to his chest.

“I’m wounded.”

They arrive back at the bunker fairly quickly, and Saeran immediately heads to his room.

“Don’t you wanna play some games to wind down?” Saeyoung asks, bouncing towards the TV.

“I’m gonna nap. Wake me up in like two hours.”

Saeyoung tuts, but apparently decides to let it go.

“Fine~” he sings. “But only if you promise to play games with me later.”

“Only if I want to,” is the last thing Saeran says before he closes his bedroom door behind him. He dumps his bag next to his desk and kicks off his skinny jeans before pulling on some slacks and crawling under his duvet.

His brain is too tired for the usual anxiety he feels before bed, and he falls asleep faster than he ever has in his entire life.


	7. Falling into routine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: maybe I'll be able to update this fic more regularly  
> me, 10 years later: oops

_Stage 10: Falling into routine._

Saeran works hard. Well, he tries to anyway. He gets exhausted and has to rest a lot, but it’s only the first week. He still has time to get the hang of it.

In all honesty, Yoosung’s the one who keeps him going. He has such a bright presence that it’s almost impossible to feel negative around him. They spend every lunch break together, which Saeran’s grateful for, but he also can’t help feeling kind of guilty for stopping Yoosung from hanging out with his friends. He insists he sees his friends all the time in and after classes, and that he likes hanging out with Saeran at lunch. Saeran doesn’t know how to argue that. He doesn’t really want to. During these breaks, he’s been slowly getting to know Yoosung better, and he’s starting to understand why Saeyoung speaks so highly of him.

They always sit in the same spot they sat on the first day. It’s nice. It comforts Saeran to have some kind of constancy, and he hasn’t needed to ask Yoosung if they can sit there. It’s just always where he ends up leading them, like an unspoken agreement.

On Tuesday, Yoosung talks about his family. His sister is studying to be a teacher and he goes home to see his parents every once in a while because he misses them. His family sounds stable. The concept is foreign to Saeran, but he likes listening to Yoosung talk. He has a nice voice. And having a stable family would explain why Yoosung himself feels so reassuring.

On Wednesday, they find out they have a similar taste in films. They both like fantasy, and aren’t too keen on horror. Yoosung recommends he tries playing LOLOL to see if he likes it. It’s a fantasy game. Saeran already knows a little about it from watching Yoosung talk about it in the chatroom and occasionally walking past as Saeyoung plays it. Apparently the graphics are good, and Yoosung says he can teach him the ropes if he needs it.

On Thursday, he finds out Yoosung likes cooking, and that his favourite foods consist of instant ramen, spicy rice cakes, omurice, fried chicken, and pizza. He also likes kimchi, but his favourite is the kind his mother makes. Apparently she makes the best kimchi in the ‘whole world’, although Saeran feels that might be an exaggeration. Yoosung does that a lot. Hyperboles fill his sentences, and it seems like he doesn’t even realise he’s doing it. So far this week he’s told Saeran that about twenty different things are ‘the best thing ever’, and at first Saeran was confused, but now he understands that it’s just the way Yoosung speaks. It’s kind of cute, actually.

On Friday, Saeran’s having a bad day and even Yoosung’s blinding presence doesn’t get rid of the darkness. It’s some kind of combination of exhaustion from the long week, and his depression deciding that now is a good time to act up. Striking him while he’s vulnerable. Yoosung asks him tentatively what’s wrong, and Saeran just shakes his head. Nothing’s specifically wrong. Except his brain, he supposes. So Yoosung just talks about his friends and his day so far, and Saeran’s not entirely listening, but he finds his voice is soothing.

He’s not sure if he can consider Yoosung his friend. What defines a friend? Are there certain criteria that need to be met? He could probably ask, but he’s scared of the answer.

So, as always, he locks it inside.

On Saturday, Saeran spends most of the day in bed. In his head he runs over the events for this week. He has a bunch of homework already, but fuck that. Today he needs a day off. On Thursday he was given a project to do with photography and then drawing full body studies from them, but that’s not due in for ages so he doesn’t care about that yet. Wednesday he was assigned a project involving researching multiple artists. In the same class, they were told that it would be a good idea for them, as students, to visit art galleries when possible. Apparently they just have to flash their university card and they can get into some of the galleries around the city for free or at a discount. The teacher said that it would most likely be a good idea to visit a gallery to become more immersed, rather than just searching pictures online. Apparently ‘nothing beats seeing the real thing’.

Saeran’s never been to a gallery before, and he’s always wanted to, but right now he’s so tired that just the thought of it makes his anxiety spike. Does he really have to go to a fucking gallery just for some stupid project? Isn’t that what Noogle’s for?

“Saeran?” Saeyoung’s voice comes from the doorway as the door creaks open slightly. “How you doing?”

Saeran just grunts in response as he buries his face into his pillow, and he groans when he feels Saeyoung’s weight dent the mattress as he sits on the bed.

“Don’t be like that~” he says, poking Saeran in the side. “Tell me about your week! I feel like I’ve barely seen you.”

“Fine.”

“Got any homework?”

“No.”

“Saeran.” He can practically see the raised eyebrow.

“I _don’t_.” His voice comes out whinier than intended.

“I know you do. Yoosung told me you mentioned it.”

“ _Yoosung_ is a fucking traitor.”

To his surprise, Saeyoung laughs.

“Just tell me about it. Maybe it’ll seem like less work when you say it out loud.”

Saeran sighs and turns his head to the side, facing away from Saeyoung.

“I have to do a double page spread of full body studies,” he mumbles, not caring if Saeyoung can even understand him. “I have this stupid colour theory thing. As if I don’t know what fucking colours are.” He sighs. “And I have to research artists and make, like… analysis or something? I don’t fucking know. They said we should go to a gallery.”

“Ooh, maybe you should!” Saeyoung says, sounding excited.

“No.”

“Come on, Saeran. It’ll be good to go out the house. Maybe Yoosung would go with you.”

Saeran pauses for a moment, stopping his tongue just as he’s about to snap that he’s not fucking going. Maybe Yoosung _would_ go with him. That way it wouldn’t seem so bad, right? Maybe… maybe that’s another step towards being friends? And his calming presence definitely wouldn’t be a bad thing. But he’s not sure if he can handle it. Would Yoosung even want to go?

Saeran grunts and buries his face back in the pillow. Luckily, Saeyoung takes that as his cue to leave.

Going to an art gallery with Yoosung. For some reason, the thought sends his heart racing, and for once it’s not with panic or anxiety.

 

* * *

 

 **Me:** Are you busy tomorrow?

 **Yoosung:** Nope! I’ll probably just be playing LOLOL.

 **Me:** I’m going to the art gallery in town for a project.

 **Me:** Will you come with me?

 **Yoosung:** Of course!!

 **Yoosung:** I’d love that!

 **Me:** Ok.

 **Me:** Come over at 11? We can walk.

 **Yoosung:** See you then!


	8. One step closer

_Stage 11: One step closer._

Saeran’s nervous and he’s not sure why, but he puts it down to the fact that he’s going somewhere public with no idea what to expect. He looked up every detail he could find about this gallery so he could be prepared, and there’s no special exhibit right now which is why he chose it. That’ll probably mean less people.

Yoosung will be there, and that’s reassuring but he can’t hold his fucking hand throughout his entire university experience. Eventually Saeran will need to learn to become independent. And, honestly, he’s not sure he can see that ever happening.

University was a fucking mistake.

It’s 10:55 and Saeran’s gut is twisting. He wants to cancel. He wants to back out. But his anxiety is terrified of letting Yoosung down. Yoosung always seems to drop everything for him, and Saeran can’t repay him by just… cancelling. And besides, he kind of wants to see him. Whatever. It’s stupid anyway.

Eventually he gets the text from Yoosung saying he’s just outside, and he quickly rushes to put his shoes on and open the door.

“Hi,” he greets him.

“Hey, Saeran!” Yoosung says, his smile as bright as the sun. He’s wearing a blue shirt today and black trousers, which should make him look less cute and more… _hot_ , instead, but the way he’s clutching the straps of his backpack like a kid on his first day of school is nothing short of adorable.

Saeran closes the door to the bunker behind him and clears his throat so his voice doesn’t do anything embarrassing.

“Thanks for coming with me today,” he says as they start walking. The gallery isn’t far so there’s no point getting the bus. “I was… nervous.”

“That’s okay! I like hanging out with you.” Honestly, how can one person be so positive all the time? It must be exhausting.

Although, it’s pretty exhausting being negative 24/7 too. Saeran knows that from personal experience. So maybe he should try and let Yoosung rub off on him a bit. It sure would be nice to balance out his feelings with something good every once in a while.

“Me too,” Saeran agrees, giving him a small smile. If Yoosung’s being nice to him, Saeran should at least put in some kind of effort.

“What kind of project is this?” Yoosung asks curiously. That’s another thing about Yoosung. He always sounds genuinely interested in the response to whatever he’s asking, even with the questions that would usually be considered small talk. When he asks about Saeran’s day, he actually wants to know. He doesn’t just want to fill awkward silences with useless chatter. Saeran’s always hated small talk, but something about the way Yoosung does it is different.

“I have to research a bunch of artists,” Saeran explains. “They suggested we go to a gallery to ‘fully immerse’ ourselves or some shit like that. And I’ve always wanted to go to an art gallery anyway, so… yeah.”

“Oh, that sounds cool!” Yoosung says. “I’ve been to a few galleries before with my parents. I really like the atmosphere.”

“What are they like?”

“They’re usually pretty quiet, unless they have some kind of huge exhibition. When I was young I found them kind of boring,” he admits with an awkward laugh, “but I think I’ll like them now, especially if I’m with you!”

Saeran chews the inside of his cheek. Does that mean they’re friends? God, he still doesn’t know.

The rest of the walk passes in a comfortable silence. Saeran’s glad he invited Yoosung. Ever since he opened the door to him, it’s like his nerves have evaporated. It’s kind of nice, actually, because all he’s worrying about now is how useful this trip will actually be. He doesn’t want to waste Yoosung’s day, especially if he used to find art galleries boring.

Eventually it comes into view. It’s a large, old-fashioned building with a statue of some soldier guy on a horse outside. It actually looks kind of boring on the outside.

It seems to be free entry, so they head straight in. As soon as they’re there, Saeran can feel the difference. It’s like the air changed entirely. It’s quiet, but that’s not the only reason, there’s also… a weird isolated feeling. But not in a bad way – maybe isolated is the wrong word. It just feels like they’re in some kind of bubble, cut off from the rest of the world, and Saeran thinks he likes it. They walk through a set of glass doors into the first room, and Saeran gasps.

The ceilings are higher than any he’s ever seen before, and there are paintings covering the walls. There are statues dotted around the room and glass cases with smaller sculptures. It’s… honestly, it’s beautiful. He looks at everything with wide eyes and an open mouth, just processing it for a moment. Considering how underwhelming the building looked from the outside, this is… this almost feels like another world.

“Woah,” he whispers, and he hears a soft laugh from next to him that makes him jump a little.

“You look like a 5 year old on Christmas morning,” Yoosung says, and when Saeran looks at him he sees a weird sort of smile on his face that for some reason makes his cheeks feels warm.

Saeran doesn’t know what to say to that, so he gives Yoosung a small, sheepish smile and then starts walking towards a portrait that caught his eye. It’s of a woman wearing a long white dress with a blue ribbon around her waist standing in a field. She has long, brown hair braided in one thick plait down her back, and she looks peaceful.

Saeran wants to sketch her plait, so he swings his shoulder bag round to his front and pulls out his sketchbook and a pencil. He’s not good at drawing hair, so this will be good practice. But does Yoosung really want to just stand around and watch him draw? Surely that’ll be boring? He pauses before opening his sketchbook.

“Are you sure you won’t get bored here?” he asks. Honestly, he doesn’t know why he cares so much. Yoosung’s more than capable of going and doing his own thing, but Saeran can’t help but feel obliged to let him know he doesn’t expect him to just stay here watching him.

“No! I think it’ll be interesting to watch you draw,” Yoosung says, eyes shining as he rocks forward on his feet. Saeran bites his lip and opens his sketchbook to a clean page as he sits down on a bench placed just a little distance away from the picture. It’s close enough for him to see the plait. To his surprise, Yoosung sits down next to him.

“If you’re sure,” Saeran says, gently sketching the first line. “Just know you can leave at any time if you want to. I won’t be offended.”

He feels peaceful now that he’s here, and he’s not sure what all his anxiety was about before. He keeps his pencil strokes gentle at first, eyes flicking back and forth between the painting and his drawing.

Saeran doesn’t pay attention to how much time’s passing, and when he finally finishes the drawing he realises that at some point he must have pulled his legs up onto the bench and crossed them. It’s a habit he has, and he knows some people find it rude. Whatever. It’s not like it’s busy here.

He quickly scribbles down the name of the painting and the artist above the drawing so he can look it up again later, and that’s when Yoosung speaks.

“You’re amazing,” he breathes, looking down at the braid in Saeran’s sketchbook. “Just watching you draw is… wow.”

Saeran feels his face get warm again, and he closes his sketchbook.

“Um… thanks,” he mumbles, face getting warm and heart beating a little faster as he drops his feet to the floor and stands. Yoosung stands with him.

They wander around the room a while longer, Saeran stopping to draw one of the statues with Yoosung watching again. Surprisingly having Yoosung watch him draw doesn’t make him anxious. Maybe it’s because he’s already shown Yoosung his drawings before, but he’s always been secretive about the process too. Yoosung just has a calming presence, and Saeran knows he’s genuinely interested rather than just nosy.

They head into the next room. This one’s filled with much brighter colours, and Saeran can already tell this is more modern art than the previous room. This stuff will be difficult to sketch without colours, and nothing particularly catches his eye.

“Are you still… uh, not bored?” Saeran asks nervously.

“No, I’m not! This is actually kind of fun,” Yoosung says, grinning at him as he runs his fingers through his hair. “It’s relaxing, actually. Makes me wish I could draw.”

They walk through to the next room which is primarily filled with paintings of landscapes and scenery. A picture of a lighthouse stands out to Saeran, so he finds a bench close enough and sits down, starting to draw.

He’s almost finished when Yoosung speaks again.

“I’m… uh, I don’t want to be annoying or anything while you’re drawing, but I was wondering if you were hungry?”

Saeran considers that for a moment. Whenever he draws he tends to lose track of time and what his body needs, so he has to focus to figure out if he’s hungry.

“I think so.”

“I am too. Do you want to get lunch in a bit?”

Saeran nods as he scribbles the name of the painting and artist down. “Yeah. After this one I have the three pieces I need.”

“I think there’s a café in the gallery?” Yoosung says, fiddling with the hem of his shirt absently. “So we could always come back if you wanted to.”

Saeran nods and they both stand, Yoosung leading the way to the café he’d spotted signs for earlier. This is a fucking huge building.

Saeran gets a pasta salad, and Yoosung gets a sandwich, which makes Saeran swallow roughly. He doesn’t like bread because it’s all his mother used to feed him. He associates it with _that place_. But he’s progressed enough that he can at least look at it without panicking now. He doesn’t think he’ll ever eat it again though.

They eat in silence for a few moments, and Saeran can’t help but keep glancing up at Yoosung. Are they friends? He _still_ doesn’t know. He has a stray strand of hair that’s fallen from his clips and into his eye, and for some reason Saeran has the urge to reach out and move it to the side out of the way.

So he does.

Yoosung looks up at him in shock when Saeran’s fingers brush his forehead, and Saeran sees his face turn red and instantly snatches his hand back. Was that wrong to do? Is that something only friends can do, and they’re not actually friends? Oh god, has he ruined the entire day?

“You… had some hair…” Saeran mumbles, looking down at his pasta salad in embarrassment and fear. He finds that he doesn’t want to lose Yoosung, even if they’re nothing more than acquaintances.

“Oh,” Yoosung says, voice a little higher pitched than usual as he brushes his forehead as though moving his hair out the way, even though Saeran already did it for him. Or maybe he’s just overriding Saeran’s touch with his own. Saeran sometimes has to do that. It makes him feel more in control of his own body. “Thanks.”

Saeran’s not sure he can handle this anymore. He has to know. He looks up at Yoosung again.

“Are we friends?”

Yoosung looks at him in surprise and frowns, cocking his head to the side.

“Of course we are.”

Saeran feels a relief flood him and a weight lift off his shoulders. Thank god.

“Sorry. I’ve… never really had a friend before,” he admits.

“Really?” Yoosung whispers, sounding surprised. “That’s… well, I’m glad I can be the first!”

Saeran nods. “I don’t know how it works, really. I don’t know what friends do.” Are they supposed to make some kind of official statement, like with relationships? Is there a certain minimum requirement for how much they’re supposed to hang out? People don’t seem to talk about this kind of thing, and it’s frustrating. Saeran’s read a lot of books, but he _still_ doesn’t know.

“What do you mean?” Yoosung asks, eyebrows furrowed in a confused frown.

“Like… are there certain things we have to do to be friends?” he asks. He feels stupid. Everyone who grew up with a normal childhood already knows all this, but here he is, in his 20s with no idea how communication and social interaction is supposed to work. “What _are_ friends?”

“Oh, um…” Yoosung pauses, thinking for a moment. “I guess friends are people you trust, usually. People you’re comfortable around and who you can hang out with whenever you want. And they’ll be there for you if you’re going through a tough time. And… I mean, there’s not really anything specific that friends _have_ to do. It’s mostly about being comfortable and liking them, I guess?

“Oh.” That all sounds so simple. And Yoosung hadn’t explained it to him like he was an idiot, which is… nice. “So I just have to like you and your company to be friends?”

“Yeah! I… I hope you do,” Yoosung says sheepishly.

“I do. I don’t know about trust. My therapist says I have trust issues,” he explains matter-of-factly. “But I definitely like hanging out with you.”

“Me too!” Yoosung says, a huge grin spreading across his face.

“Does it mean we’re meant to talk to each other a certain number of times week?”

“No, of course not! There’s no pressure with friendship. You can talk to me as much as you feel like. If you’re friends with someone and don’t talk to them for a month, that doesn’t mean you just stop being friends.”

“Huh.” This is such a vague concept. For Saeran’s entire life he’s had to follow strict sets of rules. He’s not used to so much freedom. But… he supposes it’s like art. Art doesn’t follow rules, per se. Well, it’s more like there _are_ rules, but they can be broken, and if you get stuck they’re still there as a guide. Friendship doesn’t seem to _have_ rules, except being nice to the other person. “Okay. So what’s a best friend?”

“I suppose that’s your favourite friend? The person you like hanging out with the most and the person you trust more than anyone. But you can have more than one best friend!” Yoosung explains with a smile, and Saeran frowns.

“But then doesn’t that defeat the point of them being your ‘best’ friend?”

“Not really,” Yoosung says, leaning forwards and resting his chin in his hands. “You can have best friends in different ways. Online best friends, real life best friends, school best friends… it’s kind of an open thing.”

Saeran chews at his lip. This is so confusing.

“So you can have any number of best friends you want?”

Yoosung shrugs. “I guess so. I mean, most people tend to focus on a few rather than, like… twenty.”

Saeran nods. He thinks he gets it.

“So does that mean you’re my best friend?”

Yoosung coughs a little. Apparently that surprised him.

“Oh, uh… I mean, I guess if you like me best…?”

“I don’t have any other friends,” Saeran points out. “So that means you’re the best one, even if you’re the only one.”

“I guess so!” Yoosung’s eyes are sparkling. Usually Saeran gets awkward when he has to make eye contact, but he feels like he could look at Yoosung’s eyes for hours.

“But I’m not your best friend,” he states. He’s not offended. It’s just a fact. “Saeyoung is. Right?”

“Oh…” Yoosung frowns a little. “I mean, I guess it takes a while for someone to become a best friend, and I’ve known Saeyoung a long time. Um… but, I think that I could definitely consider you a best friend!”

Saeran looks at him in shock. He hadn’t been expecting that.

“Me?”

Yoosung nods.

“Yeah! Maybe once I get to know you better we could get matching best friend bracelets,” he says with a giggle.

“Is that what best friends do?” Is that some kind of thing people get to prove they have a best friend?

“Oh… um…” That’s when Saeran realises it’s a joke. Fuck. “Sometimes? I know some people who have friendship bracelets.”

“What do they mean?” Saeran asks, leaning forwards. This is really interesting. Honestly, he thinks Yoosung could make anything he talks about sound interesting. He has a way with words, and Saeran can’t stop himself watching his lips as he talks, and looking at his excited eyes, and seeing the gestures he makes with his hands.

So this is friendship, then. He thinks he likes it.

“I suppose they just show your friendship in a material way,” Yoosung says slowly, as though figuring it out himself. “They’re kind of like wedding rings, I suppose. A symbol of a bond you have with someone.”

“Right.” That makes sense. A symbol of friendship.

They somehow get onto the topic of LOLOL, and Saeran finds he’s actually interested in listening to what Yoosung has to say. Hanging out with him helps Saeran forget how fucked up his head is. It’s like Yoosung washes his negativity away, even if only for a while. A distraction, maybe. It’s kind of impossible not to get sucked into whatever Yoosung’s talking about, and Saeran finds himself wondering if he realises how charismatic he is. His voice is soft, even when he speaks a little more loudly, and his eyes show all his emotions at once. He’s the kind of person who’s impossible to dislike.

When he’s angry Saeran often says he hates everyone, but that’s not true. In all honesty, he’s desperate for friendship. His anxiety stops him, but he wants so badly to find some people he’s comfortable with so he can live a normal life. It seems like maybe Yoosung can help with that.

They finish their food and drinks and stand up, heading out the café.

“Do you want to look around the gallery more?” Yoosung asks.

Despite how well the day’s gone, Saeran feels tired. He’s not sure how much more he’ll be able to handle before he breaks down, and he definitely doesn’t want Yoosung to have to see that. He wants to end the day on a high note.

“No. Let’s go.”

When Saeran waves goodbye to Yoosung as he opens the door to the bunker, the calm feeling lingers for a while. He spends the rest of the day doing nothing, but for once he’s exhausted in a fulfilled kind of way rather than moping around because of his depression.

He wouldn’t say he’s happy. Not exactly. But he's definitely one step closer.


	9. Making... friends?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter, sorry.

_Stage 12: Making… friends?_

When Monday morning comes around, Saeran’s just about ready to give up on university altogether. He already established a long time ago that he’s not a morning person, so why the fuck did he decide _this_ would be a good idea?

But Saeyoung pretty much drags him out of bed and throws his clothes at him, and Saeran grunts and swears but eventually complies.

He reaches his first class a little earlier than usual, but that’s fine. He could use a few extra minutes to attempt to wake his brain up. Eun’s already there. She’s in most of his classes, but they haven’t spoken much since the first day. Today she smiles at him as he sits down.

“Hi,” she says.

“Hi,” Saeran responds, dumping his bag on the desk and burying his face in his arms on it. He hears a gentle laugh.

“Tired?”

Saeran just grunts in response.

“I’m not much of a morning person, either,” she says. _Well, you’re definitely more of one than me_ , Saeran thinks but doesn’t say. No way would he be able to string such a long sentence together right now. “Coffee is what saves me.”

Saeran grunts again.

“Maybe we should go out for coffee sometime?” she suggests hopefully. Saeran turns his head to look at her, still lying down. He’s confused, and his tired brain isn’t helping. Each thought feels like he’s wading through mud. Is she trying to be friends with him? Is this how most friendships start? He’s not really sure, because with Yoosung it was easier. He already knew his brother so they had some common ground.

“I don’t drink coffee,” Saeran says eventually. Eun’s got a strange look on her face that Saeran can’t quite figure out. He’s never been good at reading people.

“Oh… uh, well you don’t have to get a coffee. You could get a tea or hot chocolate or something.”

Saeran perks up a little at that. Hot chocolate… yeah, he could do that.

“When?” he asks.

“Today after classes?” she suggests, and Saeran frowns. Doesn’t that defeat the point? He thought she needed coffee to fuel her through the day, not _after_ the day’s already finished. And… today feels like too short notice. He needs time to mentally prepare himself for this, and he definitely needs to ask Saeyoung for advice on how to handle making friends. Is coffee a usual thing for friends to go out for? His thoughts fall on Yoosung. Maybe he should ask him out for coffee sometime. He knows he likes coffee.

“I’m busy today,” he lies.

“Oh, okay. Tomorrow?” She’s fiddling with her hair as she speaks. A nervous habit, maybe.

“Sure.”

“Cool. I think we’re in the same class last period tomorrow, so we can just go straight from there if that’s okay with you?”

“Yeah.” Saeran feels like he’s already exhausting his daily limit for social interaction, and the day hasn’t even started yet.

“I know a nice place not too far from here. We can walk there together,” she says, smiling. Her cheeks are a little pink. That reminds him of Yoosung, actually. Yoosung often blushes when he talks.

“Okay.” He’ll have to ask Saeyoung for money, too. Is he supposed to offer to pay for her coffee? He feels like that’s probably the nice thing to do if he wants to make a friend. “I can pay.”

“Really?” she asks, eyes sparkling. “You don’t have to.”

Saeran shrugs and finally sits up. “Doesn’t bother me. It’s just a coffee, right?” She nods, still smiling. Hopefully Saeyoung won’t mind. Chances are he’ll be proud of him for making friends.

“Thank you. You’re really kind.”

Saeran freezes a little, hoping she doesn’t notice because he was already sitting fairly still. Kind. He’s not sure he’s ever been called kind before. He wouldn’t consider himself a kind person, considering everything he’s done. In fact, maybe going out for coffee with Eun is a mistake. Maybe once she knows the real him – the _murderer_ – she won’t care to be his friend anymore.

Luckily at that moment the teacher walks in and starts the class. Saeran sighs in relief and pulls out his sketchbook, ready to immerse himself in anatomy studies of whatever body part is asked of him today.

 

* * *

 

He meets Yoosung for lunch, as usual. It’s nice to fall into this routine.

“How’s your day so far?” Yoosung asks once they’re sat on the grass.

“Fine,” Saeran answers with a nod, and then he pauses for a moment. “I think I made a friend.”

“Really?!” Yoosung says, excitement filling his voice. “Who?”

“A girl called Eun in some of my classes,” he says, and then he takes a bite out of his cake. He only got a bunch of cakes for lunch today, because fuck health, he _needs_ them.

“That’s so cool, Saeran!”

Saeran can’t help but smile at Yoosung’s enthusiasm.

“Yeah. She asked me to go for coffee with her,” he recounts, and there’s a pause.

“Oh… coffee?” Yoosung says, his voice suddenly strange. Saeran’s head snaps up and he looks at him in panic.

“What? She… she suggested it. Is it a weird thing?”

“No! No, it’s just…” Yoosung trails off. “I thought you don’t drink coffee.”

“I don’t,” Saeran says, narrowing his eyes a little. He feels like Yoosung’s keeping something from him, and he doesn’t like it. Is coffee a code word for something else? “I’ll get a hot chocolate.”

“Did she offer to pay?” Yoosung asks slowly, looking at him in an odd way that makes Saeran uncomfortable.

“No. I did,” Saeran mumbles, looking down at his cake. He can’t stand the look on Yoosung’s face right now. He can’t read it, and he doesn’t know what to do. Is Yoosung worried about being replaced as his best friend? Because he definitely doesn’t need to worry about that. Eun is nice, but he feels like he gets along with Yoosung better.

“Oh,” Yoosung says. “That’s… that’s kind of you.”

There that word is again. Kind. Why do people keep using that word? He’s not a kind person. He never has been.

Suddenly, Saeran’s not hungry anymore, and the rest of their lunch break passes in awkward silence.

For the first time, Saeran’s glad to get away from Yoosung.


	10. Confusing social interactions

_Stage 13: Confusing social interactions._

When Saeran arrives home, he’s in a bad mood. He’d been trying to forget about Yoosung’s weird reaction and to think about the fact he’s making friends, or even about his projects, but he can’t. He feels betrayed in a way he can’t quite explain, and he’s not sure what to do.

He slams the bunker door a little harder than usual, which draws Saeyoung’s attention. He pokes his head out his office as Saeran’s kicking off his shoes.

“Bad day?” he inquires with that stupid lopsided grin he always wears to hide his concern.

“Piss off,” says Saeran in a way that clearly screams _‘please comfort me’._

The twins have never been upfront about their feelings, but they understand each other anyway.

Saeyoung comes out his room and sits down on the sofa, patting the spot next to him as he cocks his head to the side. Saeran frowns and folds his arms.

“Come on, Saeran~” Saeyoung sings.

Saeran rolls his eyes, but walks over and sits down. A silent agreement.

“What happened?” Saeyoung asks, and Saeran sinks down lower.

“Long story,” Saeran mumbles.

“I’ve got time,” Saeyoung says, punctuating his point by leaning back on the sofa and getting comfortable. Saeran sighs and closes his eyes.

“I made a friend.”

There’s a pause.

“And that’s… a bad thing?” Saeyoung asks slowly.

“No.” Saeran doesn’t know how he’s supposed to explain this. “She’s nice. But I think Yoosung’s jealous.”

“Jealous?” Saeyoung sounds surprised by that. “What exactly happened?”

“She asked me if I wanted to go for coffee with her, and when I told Yoosung about it, he started acting all weird,” Saeran says in frustration, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes. Maybe if he gets the blood flowing through his brain it’ll work like a normal person’s does. Or whatever. “Honestly, fuck this. I don’t even know what I said wrong.”

“What did she ask you? Like, what were her exact words?”

Saeran shrugs. “Does it matter? I was tired, she said coffee helps her when she’s tired, then she said we should go out for coffee sometime. We said tomorrow after school.”

“Did she offer to pay?”

Saeran throws his hands down on the couch and looks at him in exasperation.

“Yoosung asked that too! Why is it such a big deal who pays? I don’t understand.”

“Hey, it’s okay. It’s just… that sounds a lot like she was asking you out on a date,” Saeyoung says slowly. Saeran stares at him for a moment in disbelief and then snorts.

“Sure. A _date_.” Eun didn’t ask him on a date. They barely even know each other, and he’s been nothing but blunt towards her during the short conversations they’ve had. He shakes his head. “It’s not a date.”

“Did she offer to pay?” Saeyoung asks again.

“No. I said I’d pay,” Saeran says, running his fingers through his hair. “But even if it _is_ a date, why the fuck would Yoosung react like that? He acted like I’d kicked him or something.”

Saeyoung frowns and bites his lip in thought.

“I’m… not sure about that, but if she asked you out for coffee, chances are it’s a date. And if you offered to pay, she probably thinks you’re interested in her in that way too. I mean, why would you go for coffee _after_ class?”

Saeran shrugs. “I thought that too, but I thought I should try and make friends.” He stands up from the sofa angrily. “I thought you’d be happy I’m making friends, but never fucking mind.”

And with that, he storms into his room and collapses on his bed. He knows his anger towards Saeyoung is unwarranted, but he also knows Saeyoung knows he knows that. Maybe that makes it okay.

So if Yoosung assumed Eun had asked him on a date, why the fuck would he act the way he did? Saeran could barely even read his reaction. Why would he be upset about him going for coffee with someone else? It’s not even as though he and Yoosung were planning on meeting up tomorrow.

Why the fuck are people so confusing?

Saeran doesn’t know what to do. He feels weirdly betrayed by both Yoosung and his brother. He knows for a fact Eun couldn’t be interested in him in that way. Why the hell _would_ she be? He’s not polite, he’s not attractive, he’s not _kind_. He has nothing to offer.

And why did both Yoosung and Saeyoung independently assume ‘coffee’ meant a date?

Suddenly, Saeran feels his phone buzz in his pocket and drag him out of his thoughts. He pulls it out and squints at it.

 

 **Yoosung:** Hi! Sorry if I seemed weird at lunch.

 **Yoosung:** I was just confused because I didn’t think you drank coffee!

 **Yoosung:** I’m glad you’re making friends^^

 

Saeran frowns at the screen. Yoosung’s lying to him. Why would simple confusion lead to the reaction he’d given him?

He wants to call him out. He can’t really be bothered with the consequences, but he does it anyway.

 

 **Me:** It seemed like more than that.

 

Saeran buries his face in the pillow. Yoosung takes a long time to reply to that, but when he eventually does, Saeran’s head snaps back up.

 

 **Yoosung:** Like what?

 

Saeran sighs. He doesn’t fucking _know_. If he did he would have said.

 

 **Me:** idk

 **Me:** Maybe you’re jealous I’m making other friends or something?

 **Me:** but you don’t have to worry about that.

Yoosung’s his first friend, and he doesn’t want to let that go. Even if he’s pissed off right now, he at least knows that much.

 

 **Yoosung:** I’m not jealous!!!

 

The three exclamation points scream ‘lie’.

 

 **Yoosung:** I’m happy you’re making friends.

 **Yoosung:** Really, I am!

 

His reaction has changed too much. Did Saeyoung put him up to this?

 

 **Me:** Did Saeyoung tell you to say this?

 **Yoosung:** What? No! I haven’t spoken to him today.

 **Yoosung:** I didn’t even know you’d told him you made a friend yet.

 

As far as Saeran can tell, at least that’s not a lie. He may as well clear things up while he can.

 

 **Me:** I did.

 **Me:** He thought it was a date.

 **Me:** It’s not. I’m not interested in her like that.

 **Me:** I’m not interested in any girls like that.

 

Why does Saeran suddenly feel so nervous? All he’s doing is explaining the situation to Yoosung so he understands, but for some reason he feels like he’s confessing something.

 

 **Yoosung:** Oh!

 **Yoosung:** Well, I’m sure one day you’ll find a girl you like.

 

Saeran snorts.

 

 **Me:** I won’t.

 **Yoosung:** What? Why not?

 

Saeran can feel his stomach twisting with an odd kind of anxiety he’s never felt before.

 

 **Me:** I’m gay.

 **Yoosung:** Oh.

 **Yoosung:** Oh!

 **Yoosung:** Well then I’m sure one day you’ll find a boy you like.

 **Yoosung:** But…

 **Yoosung:** Maybe you should make clear to the girl you’re going for coffee with that you’re gay?

 

Saeran blinks in surprise. He feels like a sudden weight has been lifted off his shoulders. Is this what people call ‘coming out’? He’s never done it before. Well, he told Saeyoung, but that doesn’t really count.

 

 **Me:** Eun isn’t interested in me like that.

 **Me:** We’ve barely even spoken before.

 **Yoosung:** Okay, well then I guess just be careful.

 **Yoosung:** I’m sure it’ll be fine!

 **Yoosung:** Gotta go do a raid on LOLOL now.

 **Yoosung:** You should download it and play with me sometime!

 **Yoosung:** See you tomorrow.

 **Me:** Good luck.

 

Saeran tosses his phone aside. Well… he guesses it’s good that things seem fine with Yoosung now, but he still doesn’t know why he was acting like that. Maybe he said something weird. Social interactions are too confusing for him. He doubts he’ll ever learn how they work. In his head everything looks like it’s painted with watercolours. And it’s all in fragments, too, and he can never figure out how to piece anything together properly. Like it’s not real. He feels distant from it because of that.

Yoosung, though… he’s vivid. He’s like a bright splash of colour among the dull, formless splatters over the canvas, and for a second Saeran thought he’d lost that. He thought he’d have to go back to the slippery blacks and greys that are impossible to navigate properly.

He buries his face into his pillow and groans loudly. Maybe tomorrow will be better.


	11. Making mistakes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year!
> 
> EDIT: tfw you realise you made a huge mistake 2 months late ;;;;; I know this fic is technically post-canon, but apparently I forgot that for a while and made it half-au too, meaning Jaehee uhhhh apparently never worked at C&R. Sorry!!!!

_Stage 14: Making mistakes._

Today’s the day Saeran is supposed to be going out for coffee with Eun after class, and he feels like this problem is swelling up inside his head, on the verge of bursting. He spent his lunch with Yoosung as usual, and neither of them mentioned it, but Saeran could feel it hanging in the air between them. God. He wishes Yoosung could just tell him what he’s thinking so then he wouldn’t have to worry about all this. Yoosung usually speaks his mind – that’s one of the reasons Saeran likes him – but for some reason it feels like he’s completely refusing to talk about this. Saeran kind of can’t wait for this whole fucking mess to be over with so things can go back to normal. He can’t handle all the stress that comes along with this. He’d only agreed to it because he thought it would be simple.

When they’re dismissed from the last class of the day, Eun catches his eye and shoots him a smile as she walks over to him. Her eye makeup look darker today, and it takes Saeran a second to realise it’s because she’s wearing eyeliner. It’s much more skilfully done than his. All he does is smudge some kohl pencil into his waterline and over his eyelid, but she’s actually drawn wings, which somehow make her eyes sparkle more than they usually do. Saeran’s not sure he could do that if he tried.

“Hi,” she says, rocking on her feet a little. “Ready to go?”

Saeran nods. “Yeah.” Obviously he’s ready to go. It’s last period and he’s put all his stuff away, but he doesn’t comment. He’s noticed people say a lot of weird stuff that’s actually considered normal. He needs to learn to stop taking things so literally.

They head outside and Eun leads the way, but she’s walking fairly slowly. Saeran usually walks quickly, but he guesses he should try and match her pace to be polite. Even though this whole thing has been stressing him out, he does still want to be friends with her.

“It’s a really cool place, this coffee shop,” she chatters excitedly. “I go there all the time. I actually know the person who owns it – Jaehee. She’s really nice. She sometimes even gives me free coffee if I look stressed.” Eun giggles, and Saeran nods, not sure if he’s expected to respond. “She makes the best coffee ever. Oh… but you don’t drink it, do you?”

“No.”

“What are you gonna get?” she asks conversationally. She’s kind of cute when she’s excited, but Saeran’s already feeling tired from all this. Eun seems to talk as much as Yoosung, but for some reason it’s grating on him a little more than it does with him. Probably because it’s the end of the day.

“Hot chocolate.”

To his surprise, Eun giggles at that. “Cute.”

Saeran frowns in confusion. Cute? Did she mean he’s cute, or that hot chocolate’s cute? Either way it doesn’t really make sense. Before he has a chance to ask, Eun’s moved on to talking about their classes together. She asks him a lot more questions than Yoosung does. Saeran’s beginning to realise there are different kinds of friendships, and he knows for sure that Yoosung’s at no risk of being knocked out of his spot as Saeran’s best friend. He doesn’t exactly _dislike_ Eun, but he just… what’s the word? _Clicks_ better with Yoosung. Maybe Eun’s what Yoosung called a ‘school friend’. He’ll have to ask him about it.

They reach the coffee shop, and Saeran holds the door open for her. It’s what Yoosung does for him every day when they go to the cafeteria at lunch, so he figures it’s the polite thing to do. She smiles and thanks him as she steps inside. He lets out a breath of relief. At least he did one thing right.

Eun gushed about this place so much that Saeran half-expected to be disappointed, but now that they’re inside he can see she definitely didn’t oversell it. Saeran’s never particularly liked the smell of coffee, but this place smells amazing. The bitter aroma of coffee is mixed with the sweet scent of cream and chocolate, and along with the general warmth that soaks through Saeran’s body, it makes him feel as though he could stay here forever. The interior is coloured with soft browns and reds along with a few green potted plants. The whole place has a homey feel to it, and Saeran feels a small smile on his face as he takes it all in.

“It’s cute, right?” Eun says from next to him. He can hear the smile in her voice even though he’s not looking at her.

“Yeah,” he agrees, and he continues admiring it as walk over to order their drinks.

“Jaehee!” Eun exclaims, and the woman behind the counter turns around, immediately greeting them with a warm smile. She has long, wavy brown hair and soft brown eyes. She seems to blend in with the interior of the room, and Saeran can’t imagine her looking any more at home.

“Eun,” Jaehee says with a smile, and her eyes flick to Saeran. He notices that they widen a little in surprise at the sight of him.

“This is my friend, Saeran,” Eun introduces him, and Saeran gives a small bow.

“Nice to meet you,” he says in what he hopes is a clear voice. He knows he mumbles sometimes.

“You too. I assume it’ll be the usual for you, Eun?” Jaehee says with a knowing smile. Eun nods. “And what will you be having, sir?”

Saeran’s shocked for a moment at being called sir. No one’s ever that polite to him. “Oh… um, you can call me Saeran. And I’ll have a hot chocolate.”

“Excellent choice,” Jaehee says as she taps some buttons on the till. “With cream and marshmallows?”

“Yes, please.”

Saeran pays for the two drinks, and Jaehee gets to work making them. It’s surprisingly quiet in here considering how close it is to campus and that final period just ended. There are only two other people in here – one sitting in the corner typing on their laptop, and one looking like they’re about to fall asleep in their mug. Maybe people come here in the mornings rather than after class.

Jaehee slides the two drinks across the counter and Saeran notices how her eyes linger on Eun for a little longer than necessary. They thank her and head to one of the tables by the wall. Saeran sits down, feeling nervous. Eun talks enough that he doesn’t really _need_ to be nervous, but for some reason he is. He takes a sip of his hot chocolate and… fuck, it’s good. _Really_ good.

“Wow,” he breathes.

“Right?” Eun says, eyes sparkling as she takes a sip of her own drink. “I swear Jaehee’s magic.”

Saeran nods. “It’s really good. Why is it so quiet in here?”

“Honestly, I don’t know,” Eun says. “I mean, I guess people can buy coffee on campus, and this place is a little more expensive, so…”

And Eun starts talking. And keeps talking. Saeran tries to listen, he really does, but it’s difficult. He’s already exhausted from today, and his ability to interact with people is rapidly deteriorating. Luckily Eun seems happy enough with the occasional nod and hum of agreement. Until suddenly the conversation takes an abrupt turn to something Saeran should have been expecting considering what both Yoosung and Saeyoung said to him.

“So, do you have a girlfriend?” she asks, stirring her drink with a spoon casually. Saeran almost chokes on the sip he’s taking of his own drink. He places the mug down carefully and tries to calm himself before responding.

“No.”

“Really? I would’ve thought someone like you would have one.”

“Why?” Saeran asks in confusion, avoiding looking at her. Does that mean she thinks he looks straight?

“I mean, you’re attractive, that much is obvious. I dunno. You just have this kind of air about you that most girls like.”

Saeran frowns. Is this a compliment? Is this the kind of things friends usually talk about? Is he supposed to compliment her back?

“Uh… well, do you have a boyfriend?” he asks, unsure what else to say. That seems like the safest option, but it’s difficult to tell when every conversation he ever has feels like he’s navigating some kind of complex maze. This would be easier with Yoosung.

“Nope,” she says with a weird twinkle in her eyes. She shuffles her chair round the table so she’s sitting closer to him. Saeran blinks in surprise as he feels her leg brush against his. It takes everything he has in him not to flinch away. _Friends, friends, friends…_

“I… uh… I don’t know what…” he stammers, clutching hold of his mug tightly. She giggles, apparently oblivious to the dread he can feel staring to pool in his stomach.

“It’s okay,” she says softly, leaning closer, her fingers lightly brushing Saeran’s knuckles. Saeran feels like he’s frozen in place, unable to move or speak. Eun leans closer still, and he can feel her breath on his face. Her eyes are closing and her fingers are gentle and he hasn’t been this close to anyone since Mint Eye, and that always ended in some kind of angry, drug-induced fucking.

That’s when he blurts out the first thing he thinks of.

“I’m gay.”

It takes a second for Eun to respond, but when she does she blinks at him in surprise, pulling back a little and studying his face for a moment. Her fingers have frozen on his knuckles, and they feel like they’re burning into his skin. Saeran can feel panic quickly starting to flood his entire body. He fucked up he fucked up he fucked up.

“Really?”

He nods. “Yeah. I… this isn’t a date, is it? I don’t know how… I don’t know…” Saeran can barely speak properly, and before he knows what he’s doing, he stands up so fast his chair almost falls over, making a deafeningly loud scraping noise against the floor. Eun looks at him, confusion and hurt painted across her features in a way that makes Saeran’s insides twist. _He did that._

“I… I thought…” She clears her throat to speak again, but Saeran’s can’t take it anymore. That look of pain on her face sent his stomach crashing through the floor, and he feels like he’s going to fall apart and collapse if he doesn’t leave _right now_.

He grabs his bag, turns around, and runs out the coffee shop, not daring to look back even when he hears Eun calling his name.


	12. Regret

_Stage 15: Regret._

Saeran runs all the way back to the bunker. He can barely see where he’s going because his vision is so blurry from his tears and he thinks he might be panicking and _oh god why didn’t he listen to Yoosung and Saeyoung_.

They were right. They were right all along. For whatever reason, Eun was interested in him romantically. She thought it was a date. Did he lead her on? He didn’t mean to. He just thought he was being nice. He just wanted to make a friend.

Oh god oh god oh god.

He practically falls through the door of the bunker when it opens, and his bag hits the floor seconds before he does. He braces himself on all fours, trying desperately to breathe. He can hear someone saying his name, but it sounds faraway. Like a dream.

He messed up. He messed up so badly that Eun will probably never want to talk to him again. He likes her, he really does, but she… she thought it was a _date_. And he didn’t correct her until it was already far too late. Fuck. Why is he such a fucking mess? He hates himself. Now they’ll never be friends.

He feels himself being lifted from the floor and then he’s on the sofa, head in someone’s lap with a hand stroking gently through his hair. He doesn’t deserve it, but god does it feel good. He tries to breathe. He tries slowing it down and doing the breathing exercises his therapist taught him until he finally feels his heart start to slow. Eun isn’t here. Right now he’s safe. He’s in the bunker – in his own bubble where no one can get in unless he wants them to.

Saeran opens his eyes and Saeyoung’s face comes into focus.

“It was a date,” he chokes out. “Sh-she thought it was a date.”

Saeyoung continues stroking through his hair.

“I’m not cut out for this, Saeyoung,” he says, voice wobbling. “I’m not good at this. I sh-should quit university. This was a mistake.”

“No,” Saeyoung says, except his mouth doesn’t move, and it doesn’t sound like his voice. It sounds like…

Saeran lifts his head and looks at the other end of the sofa. Yoosung’s sitting there, looking at him with worry in his eyes. How long has he been here? Is he even real? Saeran can’t tell if he’s hallucinating or not.

“You _are_ good at it,” Yoosung says gently, and Saeran pushes himself into a sitting position so he’s no longer resting in Saeyoung’s lap. He runs his fingers through his hair. “Everyone makes mistakes like that.” Saeran clutches at his chest. It feels tight.

“They do?”

“Yeah, all the time,” Yoosung says, nodding. “It’s really not as uncommon as you think.”

He can feel the tight knot in his chest gradually begin to loosen at Yoosung’s words. His voice is soft and calming, even more so than his therapist’s. “But y-you were right. You were both right, but I didn’t _listen_. I’m a fucking idiot.” Saeran buries his face in his hands, a sudden exhaustion overwhelming him.

“You’re not.” That’s Saeyoung. He feels a gentle hand on his shoulder. “You’re really not, Saeran. I’m sure she understands.”

“But I just left,” he whispers. “I think she was about to kiss me and then I just… ran away.”

“It’s okay,” Saeyoung says softly. “Listen, we don’t need to talk about it right now if you don’t want to?” He pauses, leaving time for Saeran to respond with a nod. “Yoosung and I were just playing Mario Kart. Do you wanna join?”

Saeran shuffles round to face the TV where their race is paused. Great, so he interrupted them. He has a weird feeling inside him when he realises that. Some kind of mix between guilt and… pride? No, that can’t be right. He’s never been good at identifying his own emotions beyond ‘sad’ and ‘angry’, but he’s pretty certain it’s not pride. Maybe relief? No, that’s wrong too. Why would he feel relieved that he interrupted them?

“I’ll just watch,” he mumbles, sinking down into the sofa and pulling his legs up to cross them in front of him. He’s still shaking, and his breathing hasn’t entirely slowed down yet. He wants to make himself as small as he possibly can so he doesn’t get in the way. He wants to get so tiny that he can pretend he doesn’t exist at all.

That’s the only way he can live with himself.

 

* * *

 

As Saeran lays in bed that night he’s more awake than he’s been in a long time, which means has plenty of time alone with his thoughts. He thinks about how he’s never felt as close to anyone as he does to Yoosung. He excludes his brother, because his friendship with Yoosung isn’t the same as that. They’re close in a different way. He hadn’t even realised there were so many different ways to be emotionally attached to someone, but now he knows there are at least two. Well, two that work for him.

If this is what friendship is, he’s really been missing out. The calming warmth that floods through him whenever he sees Yoosung is too good for words, and he finds himself smiling and actually laughing when he’s around him. It’s amazing. He never thought he’d be able to be friends with anyone. And maybe he’ll never be able to be friends with anyone else, but at least he has Yoosung.

He’s glad Yoosung’s his first friend. Saeran generally has trust issues with everyone he meets, but Yoosung is too difficult _not_ to trust. He’s so open with his feelings and his thoughts, and Saeran feels like he’s drawn to him like a magnet. The only reason he gets up and pushes himself to go to university on his bad days is the knowledge he’ll get to see Yoosung at lunch.

But there’s something he can’t quite explain, and that’s the weird jealousy he feels whenever Yoosung comes over to hang out with Saeyoung and not him. He’d first noticed it today when he’d arrived home and Yoosung had already been there for Saeyoung, and the more he thinks about it, the more things start to make sense. The weird pride/relief he’d felt, for example. It’s nice to have Saeyoung around, of course, but hearing Yoosung laughing with him sends a weird, possessive shiver down Saeran’s spine, which doesn’t really make any logical sense. It’s not as though Yoosung’s _his_ , and as though Saeran has to be his _only_ friend. That’s not what he wants at all. But he’s so used to people taking things that make him happy away from him that he can’t stop himself from being just a little protective. The only way he can see around that is if he always joins them when they hang out, even if it’s exhausting. That way _he’ll_ be the one making Yoosung laugh and smile and _he_ gets to experience the warmth that practically radiates from his skin. And it’ll get him out of his room and talking to people, which his therapist has been encouraging him to do anyway. Two birds one stone and all that.

Yoosung had really helped comfort him about his not-date with Eun. He’d even texted him after he’d left to make sure he really was okay. Saeran hates showing his emotional vulnerability to anyone, but with Yoosung he doesn’t feel exposed. He doesn’t feel pressured, and he doesn’t feel judged.

He just feels safe.


	13. Tangled thoughts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hated this chapter when I first wrote it, but editing saved my soul! Thank u brain, even if you're horrifically inconsistent.

_Stage 16: Tangled thoughts._

The following day Saeran’s dreading even getting out of bed. He should just not go to class today, because chances are if he does he’ll see Eun and have to take responsibility for hurting her all over again. He doesn’t want to see the pain laid raw on her face. He’s not sure he’ll be able to handle that.

But something’s whispering to him that he should keep going, because he knows as soon as he misses a day it’ll get harder and harder to go back in. He can just put himself on autopilot until lunch where he’ll finally get to see Yoosung.

He forces himself up and out of bed with that thought alone.

His first class with Eun is second period, and he’s completely prepared to avoid her at all costs. He doesn’t even glance her way for the full hour, but he swears he feels her eyes burning into him. How many people has she told about their accidental date? Saeran doesn’t know how many people to expect to be laughing at him, and he doesn’t dare look up to check. His mind is playing enough tricks on him today as it is, and he doesn’t need to see it for real. He focuses on his work instead. He actually gets a hell of a lot done, which he guesses is good, but it’s stressful to use this as motivation, so by the time the period’s over he’s exhausted.

What he didn’t expect is for her to approach him as he’s packing his things away.

“I’m sorry about yesterday.” Her voice comes from next to him, and he’s too surprised to remember to avoid looking at her. He catches her eye and she looks… guilty. Wait, what did she just say? Did she apologise? Why is _she_ apologising? “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. If it’s okay with you, I’d like to still be friends.”

Saeran blinks in surprise. Of all the things he’d been expecting her to say, that had not been among them. He’d expected some kind of ridicule, maybe. Perhaps her calling him out on leading her on. But not an offer of friendship. “Really?” he asks before he can stop himself. She shuffles on her feet.

“Yeah. If you… if you want to be,” she says nervously, eyes darting away from him to look at the ground. “I won’t make a move on you again, I promise. And in the future we can be more clear about the fact that going out for coffee does _not_ mean we’re going on a date.” She gives him a small, sheepish smile and Saeran feels like a weight is slowly and unexpectedly lifting from his shoulders. She’s not angry with him, she’s not making fun of him, and as far as he can tell, she doesn’t seem to have told anyone else about what happened.

“I… yeah. I’d like that,” he mumbles.

“Great!” Eun says, and her eyes are sparkling again. Thank god. Maybe he didn’t fuck up as badly as he thought he did.

“You’re not offended?”

“No! Not at all.” It sounds like the truth.

“I’m not very good at picking up on stuff like that,” Saeran admits, scratching the back of his head. “I don’t know anything about friendship or relationships.”

“Oh, well that’s okay! I can help you out, if you want?” she offers. God, Saeran really did nothing to deserve this. The least he can do is give something back. But what? Hmm… He has an idea.

“Sure,” Saeran says, giving her a crooked smile. “But I do know one thing for sure.”

Eun tilts to her head to the side curiously. “Oh? What’s that?”

“Jaehee definitely has a crush on you.”

There’s a beat of silence, and then Eun’s cheeks slowly flood with red. She uses her hand to try and hide her blush.

“Sh-shut up,” she mumbles, hitting him lightly on the arm before scurrying to the door. Saeran can’t help but grin.

Maybe he really can do this whole friendship thing, but one thing’s obvious: he needs to be more upfront about things. Niceness isn’t just going to achieve everything if he hasn’t given the other person a sense of the direction he’s headed.

Maybe… maybe this isn’t so bad.

* * *

He’s in a better mood than he expected to be this morning when he meets up with Yoosung for lunch again. Now that things are cleared up with Eun, things feel just that little bit brighter. Turns out Yoosung was right again – that he didn’t mess up as badly as he thought he had. Maybe he should start paying closer attention to what Yoosung says, because he _always_ seems to be right. He has more experience with this kind of thing that both he and Saeyoung put together.

He glances over at him. He’s drinking his carton of chocolate milk through the straw, looking absently into the distance. Saeran wonders what he’s thinking about right now, but his eyes seem faraway and his face is thoughtful. Saeran leans a little closer and notices that his brows are pulled together in a look that could be… concern? Worry? He’s not sure. Is something bothering him? Should he ask?

“Uh… you okay?” Saeran asks uncertainly. Yoosung blinks in surprise, eyes snapping to look at him as though he’d forgotten he was even there.

“Huh? Oh! Yeah, I’m fine.” He pauses, studying Saeran’s face with that same concerned look. “Are you?” Saeran gets the impression there’s a bigger meaning to these words, but he can’t for the life of him figure out what that could be.

“Yeah,” he answers slowly.

“Have you… have you seen Eun today? Was everything okay?”

 _Oh_. That’s what he’s talking about. Is that what’s been worrying him all this time? The thought makes Saeran’s heart skip. He’s not used to people caring about him so much. This is new.

“Oh, um… I had a class with her and she seemed fine. She said she wants to be friends.”

“That’s great!” The relief in his voice is palpable, and a genuine smile lights up his face as he says it. Saeran feels his chest clench. What’s this weird feeling?

“Yeah. I don’t think she was that interested in me, anyway,” Saeran says, poking at his food. He shrugs. “She totally backed off when I said I was gay, so that’s good.”

Yoosung nods and looks down, suddenly very interested in the food sitting on his lap. Saeran frowns. Yoosung’s hair is falling in front of his face right now, so he can’t see his expression.

“Are you… okay with that?” he asks uncertainly. He knows there’s some kind of social stigma surrounding being gay, but he’s not sure the extent of it. And he doesn’t know Yoosung’s personal opinions. That’s what’s most important to him.

Yoosung’s head snaps up immediately.

“What?! Of course I am!” he says. His face is slightly pink, but… it sounds like he’s telling the truth. Why the strange reactions?

“Are you sure?” Saeran asks nervously. He fidgets with the hem of his t-shirt. Yoosung could be lying. He could think he’s weird or strange or gross, and Saeran _really_ doesn’t want that.

“Definitely! I’m… um… yeah. I guess it just surprises me to hear people talk about it so openly.” He laughs nervously, and Saeran can’t tell if that’s a lie. But why would Yoosung lie to him? Is he hiding something? Or is this just Saeran’s paranoia acting up again?

“Okay,” he says with a frown. The conversation falls flat, making way for an awkward silence.

“So!” Yoosung’s voice cuts through the quiet, and they both cringe. “Um, do you have any cool art projects coming up?” he asks, trying desperately to recover from… whatever that was.

“Oh. Uh… I have some homework where I have to draw from photos I take.” He rubs his hand over his face in frustration. “It has to be full bodies, though, which I’ve never… I’ve never just copied a photo of a body before.” He’s drawn parts of the body from a photo, but never a full one by itself. He always thought it would be too restricting, because when drawing figures he prefers to do it his own way and improvise where he needs to.

“I’m sure you’ll do amazing. You drew those hand studies, right? Those were from photos!”

Saeran nods. He’s not wrong, it’s just… different. “Yeah, I guess. I just don’t…” He trails off, frowning as he feels a plan start to form in his head from three particular ideas: he doesn’t have a model to take photos of, he wants to spend more time with Yoosung, and Yoosung happens to have a particularly drawable face and body. “Will you be my model?” he blurts out before he can consider it properly.

Yoosung coughs in surprise.

“M-me?” he squeaks. “For… for the photos?”

Saeran’s eyes widen in shock as he realises what he just said. It had seemed like such a good idea in his head, but now that he’s thinking it through, it’s an _awful_ idea. It’s only going to make Yoosung uncomfortable. He could use Saeyoung, or even himself – that would be far less hassle _and_ it wouldn’t mean he might lose his best friend out of awkwardness. God, since when did he start letting his mouth race ahead of him like this?

“You don’t have to,” Saeran says quickly. “In fact, forget I said anything.” He busies himself with his food, brain racing and vision blurry as he tries to keep his breathing steady. _It’s no big deal. They can just forget he ever said it._

“No! I… I want to help!” Yoosung insists, sounding flustered but shuffling closer to Saeran. “I was just surprised, that’s all.”

“You… really?” he asks, looking up at him in shock, and Yoosung nods with a determination Saeran hasn’t seen before. It looks good on him.

But there’s one thing Saeran hasn’t brought up.

“It’s… um…” Saeran’s not sure he wants to say it. Yoosung will probably change his mind right away. “It’s got to… you’ve got to…”

“What?” Yoosung asks gently. Saeran inhales a deep breath.

“No clothes,” he whispers, but then he quickly adds in a louder voice, “but! You… you can wear underwear, if you want.” _‘If you want’?? Really? What the fuck, Saeran?_

“Oh.” Yoosung’s face slowly turns the same colour as Saeran’s hair, and for once he can’t tell how he feels.

“You can still say no,” Saeran says, trying to keep his voice steady. It’s not a big deal, really. Yoosung can say no and nothing will change. “I just have to be able to see the body so I can figure out how it works. But I can just… take pictures of myself…” He winces a little at the thought of having to stare at his own body for that long, but at least that way it won’t make Yoosung uncomfortable.

“No one else will see the pictures, right?” Yoosung asks quietly, and Saeran looks at him in shock. He’s still considering this? Saeran can feel his own cheeks heating up now.

“No. Only the drawings of them, and they won’t even be able to tell who it is because I won’t draw the face or hair.”

Yoosung chews at his lip for a moment, face burning up but clearly considering it carefully. God, Saeran doesn’t want to put pressure on him. Just because he said yes before he knew all the requirements doesn’t mean he should feel like he _has_ to do this for him.

“When should we do it?” he asks eventually.

“Are you sure?” Saeran says quickly. “Don’t feel like you have to just because we’re friends.”

“I don’t!” Yoosung says, his lips gradually curving into a smile again, even though his face is still red. “I want to. When should I come over?”

“Oh… uh, anytime this week is probably okay,” Saeran says, trying to sort through his tangled thoughts for a moment. “I think Saeyoung’s out tomorrow, so we could do it after class then?”

“Okay. Um… I have chess club after university today, but I can come along when it finishes.”

Saeran raises an eyebrow. “Chess club?”

Yoosung shrugs and looks down at his lap, blushing even harder.

“I’m trying it out.”


	14. Strange feelings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've reread this chapter a million times and now I can't tell if I like it or not gyaaaah

_Stage 17: Strange feelings._

Saeran swears he can feel his heart beating all the way up in his throat. He’s more nervous than he’s probably ever been in his life, and it’s all over taking some dumb pictures of Yoosung. Is he actually okay with this, or is he just doing it out of obligation because they’re friends?

Saeran knows for a fact the photography session will take barely ten minutes, but his brain is blowing it out of proportion and making it feel like a huge deal. And why is he so _nervous?_ He chose the person he’s most comfortable around. The person he has most reason to want to photograph. But he still can’t kick sense into his brain and rid himself of all this anxiety. It makes no sense.

He’s flicking through his camera settings on the sofa right now, bouncing his leg and refusing to check the time. He knows Yoosung won’t be long, and he feels like all his nerves are on edge as he waits for the text to tell him he’s here. Looking at the clock will only make him even more anxious, and increase the likelihood of him suddenly deciding to cancel and tell Yoosung he doesn’t need to do it. It’s not too late to play this off as unimportant. He can still take pictures of himself for the project, unappealing as that may be.

He doesn’t even know what poses Yoosung will be willing to do. Saeran closes his eyes and tries to get himself into some kind of ‘artist mode’ where he can stop thinking about how awkward this will be and start thinking about what will be the most useful to him. He definitely needs at least four from different angles and in different poses. He doesn’t want to drag it out for longer than he needs to.

Ideally for this he needs an entirely nude model, but god, there’s no way he can ask that of Yoosung. Just boxers is enough. Or maybe too much. Maybe he should just let Yoosung keep his clothes on.

No, he can’t do that. God, why is he overthinking this? He’s never cared about how comfortable people feel around him, so why is he starting now? Why is there something about Yoosung that makes him desperate to gain his approval?

Eventually, his phone buzzes in his pocket, and he almost jumps out his skin. He breathes deeply to try and calm himself down. If he’s nervous the camera will shake, and it’ll probably make Yoosung nervous too. He needs to be reasonable about this.

He pulls out his phone slowly and reads Yoosung’s text telling him he’s arrived. Okay. He can do this.

He’s an artist.

Saeran walks to the door, purposefully moving more slowly so that he can at least pretend he’s feeling calm. It’s not a big deal. It’s just a body.

He taps in the code and pulls the door open, greeting Yoosung with a small smile. Yoosung’s clutching the straps of his backpack nervously, and his cheeks are slightly flushed.

“Hi,” Yoosung greets him, stepping inside and sliding his bag off his shoulders. He dumps it by the door like he usually does.

“Hey. You still okay to do this?” Saeran asks as Yoosung takes off his shoes. He sees the top of his ears turn pink.

“Of course. It’s to help with your art, right? I want to help as much as I can.”

Saeran feels relief trickle through him at how genuine Yoosung’s words sound, even if his voice is shaking a little.

“Okay. Did you want to start right now?” Saeran asks. Does he offer him a drink or food first? He has no idea. This isn’t exactly a normal situation. Yoosung smiles and nods, trying unsuccessfully to flatten his hair down.

“Sure. Um… boxers, right?” he asks. His face can no longer be called pink. It’s now entirely red. Saeran keeps breathing deeply in an attempt to keep his own face at a regular temperature. Yoosung has reason to be embarrassed and nervous, but Saeran doesn’t.

“If that’s okay.”

“Yep!” Yoosung says, voice a little higher-pitched than usual. “I’ll… um, I’ll get changed in the bathroom?”

“Oh. I mean, you can do it in here if you want,” Saeran says, glancing around. “I can turn around.”

Yoosung nods, pressing his lips together. It’s obvious how nervous he is. His movements are a little stiffer than usual, his voice just slightly too loud. Saeran should let him back out. He should tell him he has other people who can model for him if Yoosung doesn’t want to. It’s not a big deal. It’s not something specifically _Yoosung_ needs to do.

“You really don’t have to-”

“I want to!” Yoosung interrupts, his voice so determined it takes Saeran by surprise.

Saeran turns and sits down on the sofa, keeping his head down as he looks at the camera. He’s already set it up how he wants it, so it’s unnecessary for him to keep fiddling with it, but he needs to distract himself as he listens to the fumbling of clothes behind him. As far as Saeran can remember from the chatroom, Yoosung’s never even kissed anyone, so chances are no one’s seen his body in… a long time, to say the least. He just hopes he can provide a comfortable environment for him.

He can’t help but feel like he’s already failing on that part.

Yoosung speaks about thirty seconds after Saeran suspects he’s actually ready. He probably needed time to mentally prepare himself.

“Okay. I’m ready.” Yoosung’s voice is quiet now. Nervous but determined. Saeran’s got to say, he admires him. There’s no way in hell he’d ever do this for anyone.

Then again, he doesn’t have a good body like Yoosung does.

When he turns around, he feels his breath escape him for a moment as he’s supplied with the irrelevant but strangely fascinating knowledge that when Yoosung blushes, he blushes down to his chest. Saeran scans his eyes down his body for a moment. Honestly, Yoosung’s the best possible model for this. He’s not too muscular or too thin. He has a satisfying amount of chub on his stomach and thighs that Saeran can’t wait to draw, and his skin looks inviting and smooth. His nipples are a soft pink and slightly above average in size, and his hands are clutched nervously in front of him to cover his crotch. Saeran definitely made the right choice in not pushing him to do the completely nude thing.

“Okay,” Saeran says, suddenly oddly breathless as he slings the strap of the camera around his neck. “This shouldn’t take too long. I only need a few pictures.”

Yoosung nods, looking anywhere but Saeran.

“How should I stand?”

Saeran decides to start with something simple to ease Yoosung into it and hopefully make him feel more comfortable. He directs him to crouch down on the ground with his head down and palms flat on the floor. He kneels a little distance away and takes a picture, before shuffling round to his side and then his back, and…

Wait.

Did Yoosung always have such a good ass?

No. _No._ He can’t be thinking that. He stands up suddenly, blood rushing to his head and making him go dizzy for a moment.

“Okay,” Saeran says, quickly snapping himself out of it. Yoosung looks up at him for further instruction, face still pink. “Um… do you think you’d be comfortable stretching out like this?” Saeran stretches his arms up over his head to demonstrate. Yoosung nods and obediently stretches up towards the ceiling. “Try and make yourself as long as you can.” Yoosung stretches further, lifting onto his toes as his back curves. Fuck. His ass looks even better like this. And while he’s stretching like that, Saeran can see a bulge in the front of his boxers…

He needs to push that thought out of his head _right now_.

Saeran takes a few pictures and tells Yoosung to relax again. He needs to find a position where he doesn’t have to look at Yoosung ass or crotch, because that makes the room suddenly feel far too warm.

“Could you sit on the edge of the sofa and just dangle your legs in the air?”

Yoosung perches on the arm of the sofa.

“What should I do with my hands?” he asks. His voice is a little less shaky, but he’s still blushing down to his chest. Saeran can’t help but notice how his nipples have hardened a little more, and he wonders if he’s cold.

“Oh. Um… put them where they naturally fall.”

Yoosung does as he’s told, resting them on either side of him on the arm of the sofa, and Saeran takes a few more pictures.

“Probably just one more pose,” Saeran mumbles to himself, and in spite of everything he knows he _shouldn’t_ do, he desperately wants to make the most of this. Yoosung has a good body. It’s not Saeran’s fault he wants to see what it looks like in different positions. “Could you… bend over with your hands pressed down on the sofa?” Saeran asks in what he hopes is a casual voice. “With your legs straight.”

Yoosung’s face goes noticeably redder as he bends until his body is at a 90 degree angle. God. This was a mistake. Saeran swallows and takes some pictures from different angles, trying desperately not to wonder what Yoosung’s skin would feel like under his fingers, or what his ass would feel like in his hands, or how he’d react if Saeran ran his fingers over his…

“Done,” Saeran says hurriedly, lowering the camera and suddenly becoming extremely interested in a chip in the paint on the wall.

“I can put my clothes on now?” Yoosung asks. Saeran nods, not trusting himself to speak.

He continues staring at the wall as he hears the rustling of clothing that tells him Yoosung’s getting dressed again. But it’s not over yet. He still has to _draw_ these pictures, which involves staring at them for a prolonged amount of time.

“They’d be better nude.” The words are out of Saeran’s mouth before he can stop them, shocking even himself. “But I can improvise,” he rushes to say.

There’s a few seconds of silence that feels like hours, and the rustling of clothes stops. Saeran dares to look over at Yoosung. He’s wearing his jeans, but he has yet to put his t-shirt back on, and he’s clutching it in front of his chest.

“Nude?” he eventually whispers.

“I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable,” Saeran says quickly. “I mean… any more uncomfortable than you already have been.”

“I wasn’t uncomfortable,” Yoosung says, and god, what is it about his nipples that Saeran can’t seem to tear his eyes away from for more than a few seconds at a time? “Embarrassed, yeah, but I… I trust you.”

“You do?” Saeran says in shock.

“Yeah. And if you need a nude model, I…” Yoosung swallows, hands slowly lowering.

“Don’t,” Saeran interrupts him before he can finish. “Don’t offer. You don’t have to. I promise you it’s okay. You’ve done more than enough to help me with this.”

“I have?”

“Yes,” he says with certainty. He’s not sure he’d be able to handle Yoosung being entirely naked, especially now that he’s suddenly started realising how attracted he is to him. “Thank you. I owe you big time.”

“It’s okay,” Yoosung says. He’s still blushing, but luckily he pulls his shirt over his head at that moment so Saeran doesn’t have to be distracted by his flushed chest anymore.

“Do you… uh, do you want some food?” he asks, and Yoosung shakes his head, tugging at the hem of his shirt to position it properly.

“No, but I could really use a drink.”

Yoosung stays for a little while to hang out, and they end up watching TV. Saeran’s barely paying attention to the screen, and he’s extremely aware of the camera burning into the side of his vision from the table. The knowledge of what’s on there…

God. What is _wrong_ with him?


	15. Talking things through

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dialogue heavy, sorry ;;;

_Stage 18: Talking things through._

“Yoosung came over earlier,” Saeran says in what he hopes is a casual voice as he and Saeyoung sit at the kitchen table eating noodles. He doesn’t look up when he speaks, instead watching the noodles twirl around the chopsticks as he moves them round his bowl. He has a bad habit of playing with his food. It’s similar to the way children treat food, but when Saeran was a child he never had enough food to play with, so apparently now is the time for him to catch up on life experiences like that.

“He did?” Saeyoung says with his mouth full. Gross. “Ah, damn. Guess I missed him.” Saeran nods and there’s a moment of silence before Saeyoung speaks again. “How come he came over?”

Saeran’s been itching to talk about this. Not specifically to Saeyoung, but just… he really likes talking about Yoosung. He could probably talk about him for hours if someone would listen.

“I needed a model for some art homework,” he explains vaguely, not looking up at his brother. “I thought Yoosung would be good for it.”

“And was he?”

For some reason the question surprises Saeran enough to look up at Saeyoung. He can’t quite read his expression, which is odd because Saeran’s usually good at picking up on what his brother’s thinking.

“Yes, of course. He was really good.” Saeran pauses. He should respect Yoosung’s privacy, but there’s no harm in complimenting him, right? “He has a good body.” Saeyoung’s eyebrows raise in a sly interest.

“Oh? He does, does he?” His voice is teasing. Saeran frowns.

“Uh… yeah?” Saeran says uncertainly. Saeyoung nods and looks down at his bowl nonchalantly.

“Was he naked?”

Saeran almost chokes on his food.

“What?! No!” He looks down as he twirls some of the noodles with his chopsticks again as he feels his face getting warm. “He was wearing his boxers,” he mumbles.

“Ohohoo~” Saeyoung says in that fucking annoying tone he uses when he’s teasing someone. “Does my little bro have a crush?”

“What? No,” Saeran shoots at him, shoving some noodles in his mouth to excuse himself from speaking. He doesn’t have a crush on Yoosung. Of _course_ he doesn’t. They’re friends. Saeran’s _obviously_ not blind to how attractive Yoosung is, but that doesn’t have to mean there are any other feelings there. He can appreciate his aesthetic beauty without it being anything more than that.

“Hm. But you like hanging out with him?”

Saeran swallows his mouthful and speaks slowly. “He’s my friend.”

“You talk about him a lot,” Saeyoung points out as though that confirms his accusation.

“He’s my _friend_ ,” Saeran insists. Why is Saeyoung trying to suggest this means anything more than that? Saeran’s half ready to slam his head against the table and groan loudly until Saeyoung leaves him alone.

Well… he’s the one who brought it up in the first place, but that doesn’t mean he has to put up with his stupid brother when he’s saying things that don’t even make sense.

“How do you feel when you’re around him?” Saeyoung seems to have forgotten about his noodles, instead leaning forward with his chin in his hands as he observes Saeran. Saeran glares at him, then gives up and shrugs.

“Happy, I guess?”

“Comfortable?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you blush a lot?”

“What? No. I never blush.”

“You do~” Saeyoung sings. “I’ve seen you blush.”

“Liar.”

“I’m not lying!” Saeyoung pauses as though contemplating something. “Although, I’ve only ever seen you blush when you’re talking to or about Yoosung.”

“ _I don’t blush,_ ” Saeran says, and if the heat he can feel in his face is anything to go by, he knows he’s doing just that right now. He looks down at his noodles to hide behind his hair.

“There’s nothing wrong with it,” Saeyoung says, leaning closer. “I’ve noticed how much you talk about him. Somehow every conversation seems to circle back round to him.”

“He’s my friend,” Saeran says again, but his voice is weaker this time. “My first friend.”

“Your first crush,” Saeyoung corrects as though he’s being helpful.

Saeran drops his chopsticks and buries his face in his hands. A crush? There’s no way. Yoosung’s his friend. Admittedly, he doesn’t really know the difference between platonic and romantic feelings yet, but… there’s no way he couldn’t have realised…

“How do you feel about Eun?” Saeyoung asks suddenly, and Saeran looks back up at him in surprise.

“What?”

“You like hanging out with her?”

Saeran shrugs. “I guess.”

“How do you feel when you’re around her?”

Saeran thinks for a moment. “I… I dunno.”

“Do you feel comfortable?”

“Kind of?”

“Do you like her?”

“Well, yeah. She’s my friend.”

“But you like Yoosung more.”

“That doesn’t mean anything!” Saeran says in exasperation. “He’s my _best_ friend. Eun’s just a friend. I can’t compare them to each other.”

“No, I know. But compare the feelings,” Saeyoung insists. “Do you get butterflies whenever you see him?”

“Butterflies?” Saeran repeats in confusion. What have butterflies got to do with anything?

“Like, a kind of nervous but excited feeling in your stomach.”

Saeran looks at him pointedly. Is he serious? “I have anxiety. I’m always nervous.”

“Saeran,” Saeyoung says in frustration. He seems to have pushed all joking aside now, and that’s kind of terrifying. “Just think about your feelings when you’re around him versus when you’re around Eun.”

Saeran frowns and considers it. Of course, he would choose Yoosung over Eun any day, but that doesn’t mean he has _romantic_ feelings for him.

But something about the nervous, excited feeling Saeyoung mentioned rings true. What had he called it…? Butterflies. Yeah, he guesses it does kind of feel like he has butterflies inside him when he’s with Yoosung, but he hadn’t realised that was particularly unusual.

“How did you feel when you were taking photos of him?” Saeyoung asks, voice gentle now. He seems to know he’s breaking through some kind of barrier, and Saeran can practically feel him drawing back so he can figure it out for himself. Saeran feels his face burn at the memory of the photoshoot.

“I… I… I don’t know how I’m supposed to answer that.”

“You said he has a nice body…?” Saeyoung prods gently.

“He does,” Saeran breathes, and before he knows it, it starts pouring out. He’s been desperate to voice his thoughts. “His skin looks so soft and the way his back curves when he stretches is… I can’t even describe it. I wanted to touch his skin and feel if it’s as soft as it looks. I wanted to touch him everywhere and-” he cuts himself off before he says ‘ _hear him cry out my name as he squirms underneath me’_ because that’s something Saeyoung definitely does not need to hear.

Fuck. He has a crush.

“I have a crush,” Saeran whispers, pressing his hands to his face.

But what does that mean? Will it ruin his friendship with Yoosung? That’s the last thing he wants. What’s he meant to _do?_

“You do,” Saeyoung says, and Saeran can hear the smile in his voice. “And you should do something about it.” Saeran’s head snaps up to look at him.

“Are you fucking crazy?” he says in disbelief. “I can’t.”

“But what if he likes you too?”

Saeran feels like his heart is in freefall. It’s cruel to even allow himself to consider that possibility.

“He doesn’t,” he says with certainty. “Why would he? He’s amazing and innocent and _straight_ , and I’m just…” Fucked up. He doesn’t say it, but they both know what he means.

“Oh, I wouldn’t say he’s _innocent_ ,” Saeyoung drawls, and Saeran hates the fact that he’s immediately intrigued.

“Why?” he asks suspiciously. Is this a prank?

Saeyoung purses his lips as though considering whether it would be a good idea to tell him. “I mean… we’ve been friends for a while. And we’ve talked about… stuff, y’know?”

“Stuff?”

“Kissing. Sex. You know, all that stuff that makes him blush like crazy,” Saeyoung specifies with a grin. “He’s talked about how he wants to do all those things with someone.”

“He said that?” Saeran asks in disbelief. He can’t imagine Yoosung voluntarily giving up that information.

“Well, I mean, I managed to get him to admit it. And he never specified it had to be a girl,” Saeyoung says, chuckling a little. “Oh, by the way, he likes being told what to do. My theory is that he’s _really_ submissive.”

Saeran’s heart is pounding so loudly he wouldn’t be surprised if Saeyoung could hear it.

“And what makes you say that?”

Saeyoung picks up his chopsticks and shoves some noodles in his mouth, swallowing slowly before answering.

“His browser history.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just gotta say, I'm not sure I'm 100% happy with how this fic is turning out. I still want to finish it, but it just feels like it's... not my best. I hope you're still enjoying it if you're reading it, though!


	16. Courage

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another quick, short chapter! I want to try and finish this fic as soon as I can so I can get to working on some new projects!

_Stage 19: Courage._

Saeran can’t stop thinking about Yoosung.

More specifically, he can’t stop thinking about the memory of Yoosung bending over the sofa in nothing more than his underwear. He can’t stop thinking about how he’d seemed so willing to pose absolutely naked for Saeran (why the hell had he refused that? He can’t remember). He can’t stop thinking about everything Saeyoung told him.

God. How did he not realise it before?

Why else would he be so flustered around him? Saeran never gets flustered. Anxious, sure, but never like that. Yoosung makes him feel weak at the knees. He makes him smile. He makes him _happy_.

Does Saeran want to lose that by confessing how he really feels?

Maybe he should ask him to go somewhere with him, like when they’d gone to the art gallery together. But… maybe imply it’s a date this time and see if Yoosung mentions anything. But the only thing he knows about dates is…

Coffee.

He should ask Yoosung out for coffee, offer to pay, and then see what happens. He thinks about how Eun tried to kiss him, and suddenly his mind is filled with images of Yoosung kissing him in the comforting warmth of Jaehee’s coffee shop. He closes his eyes and pulls his duvet a little tighter around himself to stop his hands reaching for the camera on his bedside table.

He hasn’t looked at the photos of Yoosung since he took them. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to check them. Just to make sure they’re good quality, right? If they’re bad, he’ll have to take them again.

He suddenly hopes they’re all awful.

He sucks in a deep breath and grabs the camera, starting from the first picture.

Fuck. He remembered Yoosung looking amazing, but he’d forgotten just _how_ amazing. He can’t see his face in the first few photos, so he quickly clicks through them before reaching the ones of him stretching.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. He looks so fucking good. This is wrong, Saeran knows it is. But how is he supposed to stop his hand from sliding down his pyjamas when he can see how round Yoosung’s butt is and how cute and pink his nipples are and how there’s the hint of a bulge in his boxers? The curve of his back and the way he stretches… the way he obeyed every request Saeran gave him makes him wish he’d asked for more and dragged it out longer.

Saeran’s cold hand grasps hold of his dick and slowly starts moving up and down. God, he wonders what Yoosung would’ve looked like if he’d asked him to go fully nude. He wonders if that fucking adorable blush would’ve been darker, and how his ass would look with nothing in the way, and how flustered he would’ve looked as he attempted to cover himself.

This is wrong. God, this is so, so wrong. Saeran puts down the camera and pretends he’s not thinking about the pictures that are for _artistic purposes only_. He pumps his dick, and before he knows it he’s reached his orgasm, Yoosung’s name spilling from his mouth in a whispered grunt so Saeyoung won’t hear from the other room.

He’s disgusting. He really is, but god, Saeyoung was right. He definitely has a crush on Yoosung.

Saeran’s not good at understanding his feelings, but he knows what his body wants. And, as it turns out, both are in agreement this time.

He wants Yoosung Kim.

 

* * *

 

At university the next day when he meets Yoosung for lunch, Saeran feels different around him. Now that he’s aware of his feelings, he finds himself overthinking every action in the worry he’ll do something to give himself away.

“So, um…” Yoosung starts after a little while of silent eating, “did the pictures turn out okay?”

Saeran swallows the mouthful he has, trying desperately not to allow his face to heat up.

“Yeah. They’re really good. Thank you so much.”

Yoosung sighs in relief.

“I was wondering,” Saeran blurts out before he can stop himself. “Did you want to… go out for coffee? Maybe tomorrow. And I’ll pay. Like… a thank you for doing that for me.”

Wow, that was a mess, and Saeran can feel those ‘butterflies’ Saeyoung had mentioned in his stomach. But it’s out in the open now. No taking it back. Will Yoosung figure out it’s a date? He’s the one who told him about the coffee thing, after all…

“Oh! I’d like that,” Yoosung says with a surprised but genuine smile. Fuck. He didn’t figure it out. “You don’t have to.”

“I want to,” Saeran insists.

“Okay.” Yoosung’s smile gets even wider. “Tomorrow after class?” Saeran nods. “Cool! I can meet you outside the art block. Where should we go for the coffee?”

“I know a place.” God. What if this goes horribly wrong? What if he ends up like Eun did after their ‘date’ and Yoosung runs out on him? Saeyoung said he’d never specified if he liked men or women or both, but that doesn’t mean he’s into _Saeran_. No, he needs to treat this like a friendship thing. To evaluate the situation and figure out whether he should make a move or ignore his feelings until they go away.

It sounds so simple when it’s put like that, but he knows in his heart it’s not.

And now that he’s with Yoosung he realises he’s in deeper than he thought. Fuck.


	17. Blurting things out

_Stage 20: Blurting things out_

When Saeran walks out the art block after class the next day, Yoosung’s already waiting for him. He’s looking in the opposite direction, though, watching all the people as they walk past. He’s scuffing the toe of his shoe on the floor as he stands, and Saeran just stops to look at him for a moment. He’s wearing something a little different today, and Saeran hadn’t had much time to admire him at lunch. He’s wearing a black t-shirt with diamonds across it, and black jeans which… god, they make his ass look amazing. He’s not wearing his usual blue hoodie today. Saeran wonders if it’s in his bag.

He takes a deep breath and tries to ignore the butterflies in his stomach as he heads over to Yoosung.

“Hi.”

Yoosung turns to look at him, a smile instantly lighting up his face. Saeran feels his heart skip a beat.

“Hey! Ready to go?”

Saeran nods and they start walking.

Yoosung talks about how his day has been since lunch. Apparently he got a 90% on a practice essay he handed in last week, so he’s feeling good about himself.

It doesn’t take them long to reach the coffee shop, and Saeran holds the door open for Yoosung, who thanks him and steps inside.

“Woah,” Yoosung breathes as Saeran stands next to him. He gazes around the room in awe. “I never even knew this was here.” Saeran can’t help but smile.

Jaehee smiles warmly at them both as they order. Saeran gets a hot chocolate again, and Yoosung orders a cappuccino.

They sit down at one of the tables by the wall, opposite each other. After a few seconds of silence, Yoosung speaks again.

“I just realised! I’ve talked about myself, but I haven’t even asked about your day,” he says sheepishly. His cheeks look like they’re a little pink, and Saeran wonders if it’s just from the heat or… something else. He tries not to think about how Yoosung’s chest is probably also pink right now.

“It’s been fine,” Saeran says, and then he frowns. “I seem to get tired more quickly than everyone else, though.” At first he’d thought it was normal to be tired in class, but eventually he came to realise he’s the only one who’s consistently tired every single day. How does everyone else _do_ it? Is it coffee?

“Well, I mean, that makes sense,” Yoosung says, cocking his head to the side a little as he traces the edge of his mug with a delicate finger. Yoosung has nice fingers. “They’ll all be used to this kind of routine from school, but you’ve never had that.”

It’s true. Even at Mint Eye he didn’t really have any kind of routine. He just worked until he passed out, slept for as long as he wanted, and then worked again. He never had to get up at specific times and work a certain amount. Along with the social interaction and constant noise that comes with university, he guesses Yoosung’s right. And that’s not even considering the drugs.

“I suppose so,” he mumbles, looking down at his own mug. Yoosung clears his throat and Saeran looks back up at him from under his hair.

“So… uhm… I know I asked before, but are those pictures really okay?” he asks. Saeran blinks in surprise, sitting up a little straighter.

“Of course. I said that, didn’t I?”

“Well, yeah…” Yoosung sounds uncertain, and he runs his fingers through his hair in a practiced way so he doesn’t dislodge his hairclips. “But you said something about… uh, like, nude models…”

“It’s fine,” Saeran says quickly, looking back down to hide his burning face. Now that he knows he has a crush, he’s stupidly aware of it all the fucking time. “Honestly. The pictures are great.”

“Good.” Saeran bites at his lip. Is Yoosung offering to be naked in front of him? Is that flirting? Or is he just trying to be helpful? “I mean, I know I don’t have the best body, but I’m glad I could help.”

Saeran frowns, and he can’t stop his head from snapping back up to look at Yoosung, who’s staring down at his finger as it slides over his mug again.

“What?” he says in surprise. “You have a good body. It’ll be perfect to draw.”

Yoosung’s face gets a little redder.

“You’re just saying that.”

“I’m not!” Saeran insists, totally forgetting about being subtle. Is Yoosung really that insecure? “Really, I’m not. You have the perfect body for what I need to do. I didn’t know exactly what to expect when I asked, but I got lucky.”

Yoosung’s face is absolutely burning right now, and Saeran can feel that his own face is warm.

“Yours is better than mine,” Yoosung mumbles, and Saeran feels his heart suddenly start beating a million times faster, but not in a bad way. This has to be flirting, surely?

“Definitely not,” Saeran says, voice accidentally dropping to a whisper. He clears his throat. “My body is gross.”

“Bet it’s not,” Yoosung shoots at him, looking up and clearly trying to act like he’s not blushing. His lips are quirking up in a small smile.

“It is. Really. Especially compared to yours.”

Yoosung inhales deeply and leans forward, resting his chin in his hands.

“We’ll just have to agree to disagree,” he says. He pauses, clearly thinking about something in particular. “Can I ask you a personal question?”

Saeran swallows and feels his body tense up a little. This is Yoosung. It’s _fine_.

“You can, but I can’t promise I’ll answer.”

“That’s fair,” Yoosung agrees with a nod. “I just wanted to ask how you realised you’re gay?”

Saeran blinks in surprise. He had _not_ been expecting that.

“Oh… uh…” he stammers, trying to find his words. “I mean, I didn’t really realise until I had to fill in the form to apply here.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. It asked me about it, and I’d never really needed to put a name to it before.”

“You’ve just always liked guys, then?”

“Yep.”

“Hmm.” Yoosung sounds interested in that. God, there’s no way this _isn’t_ flirting, and Saeran might be freaking out a little right now. “So, you’ve… slept with guys?” He asks the question innocently enough, but god, Saeran hadn’t expected those words to come out of Yoosung’s mouth. He coughs in surprise.

“I… y-yeah,” he says eventually.

“Oh?” Yoosung says, leaning forwards even more, eyes sparkling in a really odd way. When Saeyoung had told him he and Yoosung had discussed sex, Saeran had assumed Saeyoung had been pushing him to talk about it. But now he’s not so sure. “How many?”

Saeran runs his fingers through his hair, incredibly flustered. He hadn’t been expecting to have this conversation today.

“A few.” He tries to count them. With most of them he’d been too drugged up to really remember much. “Maybe… three?” It’s something around that number, anyway.

“I’ve never done it,” Yoosung says, pouting a little. He’s still blushing like crazy.

“Do you want to?” Saeran asks before he can stop himself, and Yoosung blushes even harder, but he’s still got that grin on his face and the sparkle in his eyes.

“I mean, yeah. I want to know what it’s like.” Yoosung giggles. “Sorry. This is probably super awkward to talk about.”

Saeran stares down at his drink. Is this how Yoosung talks to all his friends? Or is this flirting? He’s never seen Yoosung interact with anyone other than Saeyoung, and that’s different to this, but they’ve known each other for years. God, he wishes he’d seen Yoosung talking to his other friends, even if only once.

“Is this a date?”

Fuck. He hadn’t meant to say that. His head snaps up in shock as he looks at Yoosung, who’s mirroring his expression. His mouth hangs open, and time feels like it’s standing still.

Saeran ruined it. He ruined everything.

Yoosung slowly closes his mouth and his eyebrows draw together in a look of confusion. Saeran pushes himself to his feet.

“I’m sorry,” he chokes out. “I’m…”

He doesn’t know what to say, and Yoosung keeps staring at him in surprise and confusion. He can’t take it. He can feel his panic bubbling up inside him and he quickly turns and runs as fast as he can until he reaches the door.

He doesn’t stop running all the way back to the bunker. If he runs fast enough, maybe he can leave all his problems behind.

He doesn’t slow down until he collapses on his bed sobbing.

Saeran’s never allowed himself to be close to people before. Now he knows why.


	18. Relapse

_Stage 21: Relapse._

The silence is deafening.

Saeran refuses to go to any of his classes until he loses track of the days. Saeyoung keeps knocking on his door, but Saeran won’t respond to him, even when he spends hours sitting on his bed and talking at him. He doesn’t even listen. He doesn’t want to know.

It’s clear that his feelings for Yoosung run deeper than he ever thought they did, and he can’t see a way he can bounce back from this. He’s lost his best friend. His _only_ friend. All because he couldn’t keep his stupid fucking crush to himself.

He keeps his face buried in his pillow. Sometimes he screams. Sometimes he sobs. Sometimes he’s silent. His emotions feel like a rollercoaster, and he simultaneously feels everything and nothing all at once. It’s an aching kind of numbness. A gut-wrenching emptiness that he can’t figure out how to fill. He ruined his chance at being normal. _He ruined everything_.

He threw his phone on the floor at some point and he’s fairly certain it died a few days ago. He doesn’t care. He doesn’t want to hear from Yoosung and hear him talk about what happened. He knows that Yoosung will try and sugar-coat it. He’ll try and tell Saeran that it’s okay, and that he’ll forget all about it, but how the hell is he supposed to? He _knows_ now. Of course he hadn’t been flirting with Saeran that day, and Saeran’s stupid to think he was.

When Saeran remembers the look of confusion on Yoosung’s face after he’d mentioned the word ‘date’, he feels his heart start aching so painfully he has to curl up in a tight ball in the hopes he won’t fall apart. Is it really that strange for Saeran to like him? Was it a look of disgust? His brain is warping his memory, so it may well have been.

He drifts in and out of a hazy, uncomfortable sleep filled with nightmares with no specific monsters, just vague shapes and terrifying feelings. More than once he wakes up screaming because he feels like he’s falling. When Saeyoung comes in, he pretends to be asleep again.

“Yoosung wants to talk to you.”

Saeran would have jumped in surprise if his body was reacting normally, but he doesn’t care enough to react. He doesn’t want to talk to Yoosung, and just because his brother wants him to that doesn’t mean he will.

“Listen, Saeran, I don’t know what happened, but…”

Why can’t he drown the words out like usual? All the times Saeyoung’s talked to him over the past few days, he’d barely processed a word of it. Why is his brain focusing now?

“…can’t shut yourself away like this…”

No. Go _away_. He can fucking shut himself away if he wants to.

“…Yoosung seems worried…”

Worried or disgusted? Probably the latter.

“…affect your grades…”

Grades? Why the fuck do grades matter anymore?

“…Yoosung…”

No.

“…Yoosung…”

No.

“…Yoosung…”

“ _No!_ ”

Saeran sits bolt upright and throws his pillow at Saeyoung as hard as he can. Admittedly, it would’ve been more effective if it had been something solid, but Saeyoung looks surprised anyway.

“Saeran, it’s-”

“Fuck _off,_ Saeyoung,” he yells. He’s not close enough to hit, so instead Saeran thrashes around in an attempt to express his anger. “I don’t want to _exist._ ”

“Have you been listening?”

“No.”

“Okay, hear me out, Yoosung really wants-”

“ _No!”_ he screams. “To what? To fucking talk about it? I don’t _want_ to talk about it! I made a fucking mistake and lost my only fucking friend.”

Saeyoung’s look of shock would usually make Saeran smirk with victory, but it doesn’t taste quite so sweet today.

“That’s not-”

“Shut up shut up _shut up.”_ Saeran slams his hands over his ears to drown out Saeyoung’s words. He doesn’t want to fucking hear it. He doesn’t want to hear his words of sympathy or his lies or whatever the fuck he ends up spewing out.

Saeran doesn’t know how long he sits there covering his ears, but when he looks back up Saeyoung’s gone. He lets out a loud breath and crumbles, sobbing until his throat aches. He knows he’s overreacting, but god, he just wanted to be normal. Just for once.


	19. Butterflies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Turns out I miscounted how many chapters I had planned orz  
> It's 27, not 30! (That still might change, but it won't be more than that)

_Stage 22: Butterflies_

It’s a while before Saeyoung comes back into his room again. Or maybe it’s just a day. He doesn’t know or care.

“Saeran.”

Why can he hear everything now? Why can’t he shut it out like before? He’s not angry anymore, just upset, and he really wants to just… not exist.

“Go away,” he mumbles from under his duvet as he clutches hold of his tattooed arm, digging his nails into it. It’s already aching from how much he’s been scratching it, but he doesn’t care.

“No. I have something for you.”

“I don’t want it.”

“It’s important.”

“Fuck off.”

He hears Saeyoung’s sigh. Obviously he’s disappointed in him. Who isn’t?

He feels the mattress lift when Saeyoung stands up again, and Saeran lets out a breath of relief. At least he’s not being forced to leave his cocoon yet.

But before he knows it, the weight is back.

“I thought I told you to fuck off,” Saeran grumbles, not even bothering to try and make his voice legible.

“Haha, uhm… well, not yet, you haven’t.”

Wait. That’s not Saeyoung’s voice. Saeran freezes.

“Listen, Saeran, I’ve wanted to talk to you for a week now, but you… you never showed up at uni,” Yoosung says sadly. Saeran doesn’t respond. He doesn’t know what to say. “I… I didn’t realise you were so upset about it. I’m sorry. I should’ve reacted differently.”

Saeran lets out a bark of humourless laughter, surprising himself. “Not your fault you’re not interested in me like that.”

“Wait, no, that’s exactly what I wanted to talk about.”

“Well I _don’t_ ,” Saeran spits, pulling his covers more tightly around himself.

“I know, but will you just… listen?” Yoosung sounds so desperate it makes his heart ache.

“No.”

Saeran, please-”

“ _No._ ”

Yoosung pauses, and Saeran hears him shift his weight on the bed. Before he knows it, he can feel Yoosung’s hand touching on him through the covers. The padded weight rests on Saeran’s hip, and he sucks in a breath in shock. Of course, there’s no way Yoosung could know it’s on his hip, and that even through the layers of fabric between them Saeran can feel his touch like it’s electric.

“When you asked if it… if it was a date, I was shocked,” Yoosung says, clearly having rehearsed this in his head. “Not in a bad way. Just… I just thought _I’d_ be the one who’d have to bring that up.”

Saeran frowns. What? That makes no sense. He doesn’t understand.

“When you asked me out for coffee, I tried not to get my hopes up but I couldn’t help it. I knew that all you really knew about dates was the ‘going out for coffee’ part, so I… I dunno. But you said it was to thank me for the photos, so I figured I’d just… see how it went and try and figure it out myself.”

Wait, what’s he saying? Getting his hopes up?

“So, um… I guess you could say… I don’t know if it was a date. But if you’d stayed for me to answer, I would’ve told you I hoped it could be.”

Is this real? Is Saeran hallucinating from his lack of food and human contact? There’s no way Yoosung would be saying all this. There’s no way Yoosung could _ever_ have feelings for him.

“I have feelings for you,” Yoosung says firmly. “I want to try going on another date with you.”

Saeran’s eyes are wide, staring into the blackness. But he… he can’t… he needs to see…

Saeran pushes his duvet down and twists to sit up, not caring that his hair is probably a greasy mess or that he hasn’t showered in (apparently) a week or that he probably looks like death itself. He needs to see for himself that Yoosung’s telling the truth. His breath catches when he sees Yoosung. The bags under his eyes are darker than usual, and his blonde hair is messy and his purple eyes are sad. His brow is wrinkled in what could be confusion, determination, or perhaps disgust at Saeran’s appearance. He’s wearing his usual blue hoodie, and… god, Saeran had never noticed Yoosung’s smell before, but now he has and he smells amazing.

“You’re shitting me,” he states. Yoosung shakes his head.

“I’m really not!” he insists, the wrinkles in his forehead softening a little. Relief, maybe? “I’m serious. I want to take you out on another date. A proper one, this time, where we both know for sure that it’s a date.”

Saeran can feel his heart speeding up.

“You… like me?” he whispers, voice so pathetic he almost flinches. Yoosung gives him a small, nervous smile and nods.

“I do.”

“But I thought you were straight?”

Yoosung bites his lip. “Honestly, so did I,” he says after a moment’s silence. “But… at some point I realised my feelings for you were more than just… friendship.” He quickly rushes on, barely pausing for breath. “But I didn’t want to push you! I knew you were gay but I didn’t just want to assume you liked me too. I figured I’d be okay with friendship if that’s what you were comfortable with.”

Saeran runs his fingers through his hair and clutches it, looking away from Yoosung in shock.

“I can’t believe this,” he breathes. He can feel his stomach twisting… no. Fluttering. With those butterflies. And his heart is pounding and his breathing is fast.

“Why else would I offer to pose naked?”

Saeran chokes on the breath he’s taking.

“Oh my god.”

“But I wasn’t sure if that… was too much. I don’t have a great body, but I thought maybe-”

“Shut up.”

“W-what?”

“Shut up. You have a fucking amazing body. I really wanted to see you naked, but I didn’t think I could handle it.”

Saeran can practically feel Yoosung’s blush, even though he’s not looking at him. Would it be inappropriate to tell him he wanked to the pictures? Probably. His hands drop to his lap.

“W-well, I…” Yoosung stammers, clearing his throat. Saeran jumps when he feels Yoosung’s hand resting on his, and his head snaps up to look at him. He’s blushing and looking down at them. “That’s what I wanted to tell you. That I like you a lot.”

“Why?” The word’s out Saeran’s mouth before he can stop it, and Yoosung blinks in surprise.

“I mean… we get on well, don’t we? And you’re… attractive.” Saeran hadn’t thought it were possible for Yoosung to blush even harder, but somehow he manages it. “You’re funny. You’re a really genuine person. I really love hanging out with you. And I… I don’t know how to explain it! I just get this feeling whenever I’m around you. Like…”

“Butterflies?” Saeran offers with a whisper.

“Yeah! Like butterflies in my tummy. It feels good.”

Everything Yoosung just said feels like an exact mirror of Saeran’s thoughts on him. Attractive, funny, genuine… all those words describe Yoosung, not him.

This is surreal. Saeran’s not sure how to feel right now, and his heart jumps up into his throat when Yoosung slowly slides his fingers between Saeran’s.

“I kind of figured I’d be the one to make the first move,” Yoosung admits sheepishly. “That’s why I was so surprised when you said the word date.”

“I didn’t… I really had no idea you liked me.”

“I was trying to flirt with you!” Yoosung says, sounding flustered. “I was talking about, like… sex and stuff.” He groans and presses his free hand to his face. “I wasn’t sure if I was coming on too strong. I just got a thrill out of asking you all those things.”

Saeran swallows.

“So are we, like… boyfriends?” he asks nervously. Yoosung’s eyes widen and so does his smile.

“If you want to be.”

Saeran chews at his lip. He’s never thought about relationships before. Even after realising his crush, it was just never something he considered. Is he ready for one? Is he ready for any of this?

He wants to be normal, right? And he likes Yoosung. So…

“Yeah,” he says quietly. “But I… I might take some time…”

“That’s fine,” Yoosung says with a nod. “I understand. I won’t push you. We’ll just act like we normally do together and see how things go from there! Maybe we can decide if we want to be boyfriends after our second date?”

Saeran nods. As always, Yoosung’s full of good ideas.

And as he sits here, Yoosung’s hand in his, he feels like maybe… just maybe the world is starting to be on his side.


	20. Uncertainty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another super short chapter!! I usually write much longer chapters in fics, but it's kind of nice to have something that's not so demanding?? idk if you guys prefer longer chapters, but this way I can update more regularly!

_Stage 23: Uncertainty._

Saeran’s worried about going back to classes after his week off, but Saeyoung encourages him and manages to convince him it’ll be okay. He’s worried about being behind on work, he’s worried people will ask him where he’s been, and, honestly, he’s worried about how to act around Yoosung. Yoosung said they should just treat things normally, but there should be some change, right? They can’t just pretend like they didn’t both confess their feelings and hold hands. The memory of Yoosung’s hand in his hasn’t left his mind since it happened. Will they hold hands again at lunch? Will they… kiss?

Saeran finds that since they’ve been what Yoosung decided to call ‘pre-boyfriends’ he hasn’t been able to stop thinking about kissing him. Are his lips as soft as they look? His hands were definitely soft, but Saeran finds himself aching to taste him. And he’d been lying if he said he wasn’t sexually attracted to him, but he’s not sure he’s ready for that yet.

The morning seems to drag by, and by the time lunch finally comes, Saeran’s worked himself up so much that he feels like he might throw up the butterflies he can feel inside him. When he sees Yoosung already waiting outside the art block, he feels his heart skip. Unfortunately he doesn’t have time to admire him, because Yoosung’s waiting for him eagerly, staring at the door.

“Hi, Saeran!”

“Hi.”

It’s routine by now. They head to the cafeteria, buy their food, and then go and sit outside in the usual place. It’s a nice day today.

Saeran feels like he should say something. Are they supposed to talk about different things now that they’re pre-boyfriends? He doesn’t know. He can’t think of a single thing to say.

Usually Yoosung would say something, but today he doesn’t. Is he feeling just as confused as Saeran? He said things wouldn’t change, but they feel different and he can’t tell if it’s good or bad yet.

“Um…” Saeran eventually says, clearing his throat to break the silence. “So, um, I was wondering… when should we have our second date?”

“Oh! I… I actually have an idea for it,” Yoosung says with a smile.

“Really? What?”

“It’s a surprise,” Yoosung says. He has a smug look on his face, but Saeran can’t bring himself to be annoyed about it.

“What does it involve?”

“I can’t tell you!” Yoosung squeals. “I don’t want to spoil the surprise.”

Saeran thinks for a moment. He actually did some research on dates yesterday evening. It seems like the most standard ones are going out for dinner, going to the cinema, and going to something like an amusement park. Admittedly, most of the articles Saeran had found to try and get some tips just told him the best way to ensure getting laid at the end of the date, which isn’t his goal at all. A kiss would be above and beyond what he expects.

“Then how am I meant to prepare?” Saeran points out, unable to supress his smile.

“I… it’ll be fine!” Yoosung insists. “When are you free?”

Saeran shrugs. “Pretty much all the time.” He tries to ignore how hard his heart is pounding. He’s _actually_ going on a date with Yoosung, and despite them calling it their second date, it’s kind of their first proper date together. He doesn’t really want to count the coffee one.

“Okay, then how about this Saturday? I need to sort some stuff out with… someone.”

Saeran narrows his eyes suspiciously.

“Seriously, what are you planning?”

Yoosung just grins knowingly, a twinkle in his eyes that makes Saeran’s heart skip.

“You’ll find out.”


	21. New and exciting things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Valentines Day!  
> I hadn't originally planned on posting this specifically on Valentine's Day, so this is a happy coincidence! Hope you enjoy~

_Stage 24: New and exciting things._

Today’s the day of their date, and Saeran is absolutely shitting himself with nerves. He has no idea what to expect, and Yoosung won’t budge on any of the details. All he’s been told is a vague dress code and that he shouldn’t bring too much stuff. But what exactly _is_ too much stuff?

The worst part is, Saeyoung seems to know exactly what the date is. He has no doubt that Saeyoung’s the ‘someone’ Yoosung had mentioned that he needed to sort some things out with, and it’s absolutely infuriating.

“Just tell me.”

“Nope!” he says with a grin. “It’s a surprise.”

In spite of apparently knowing where they’re going, Saeran can’t tell if Saeyoung knows that this is a date or if he thinks it’s just a friendly outing. Saeran certainly hasn’t told him they’re more than friends, and he’s not sure if Yoosung has. Well, he doesn’t plan on telling him yet. Not until Yoosung’s had every chance to back out. He doesn’t want to trap him in this.

Saeyoung hands him his backpack and Saeran glares at him and goes to rip it open before Saeyoung grabs his hands.

“Noo, you’ll ruin the surprise!”

“How the fuck am I supposed to go when I don’t even know what you’ve packed for me to take?”

“Saeran! Yoosung will be upset,” Saeyoung whines, and Saeran sighs grumpily, dumping the bag on the floor. He bets there’s not even anything that would give it away in there. Saeyoung’s probably just messing with him.

“Whatever.”

Yoosung had told him to wear a t-shirt, which he is. He’d also told him to wear shorts, which he is not. He doesn’t own any shorts and he has weird knobbly chicken legs so he doesn’t plan on _ever_ wearing them. He’ll wear his skinny jeans. It won’t be a big deal. He already feels self-conscious enough in the t-shirt, because it means his arms are on show. He wonders if Yoosung will notice the scars littered across his skin, some self-inflicted, some from his mother or Mint Eye. He want to cover them, but he keeps reminding himself that _Yoosung needs to know._ He’ll find out at some point, so it may as well be sooner rather than later. He’s wrapped his tattoo in an ace bandage, though, because no way is he having that on display in public. His fucking slave branding.

It won’t be an issue that he’s wearing jeans instead of shorts, right? Saeyoung hasn’t mentioned anything, so hopefully it’ll be okay.

He barely has time to panic over it before Saeyoung pulls the door open to reveal Yoosung.

“Saeran!”

Saeran blinks at him in surprise. He’s got his own backpack and is wearing shorts and a t-shirt, and all Saeran can think about is how fucking good he looks.

Saeyoung directs him towards the garage.

“Don’t crash my baby, Yoosung,” Saeyoung says sternly.

“What? You’re letting Yoosung take a car?” Saeran says in shock.

“Yep! For the surprise!”

“Where the hell are we even _going_?” Saeran grumbles as he’s ushered into the passenger seat.

“You’ll see!” Yoosung says excitedly, a sparkle in his eye that’s impossible to argue with. He slides into the driver’s seat.

“Can you drive?” Saeran asks doubtfully. Yoosung purses his lips and nods as Saeyoung crouches down to look through the window.

“Be _careful_ , Yoosung. This baby isn’t cheap.”

“I _know_ ,” Yoosung says with a sigh. “I can drive! I passed my test, remember?”

“Yeah, on the fourth try,” Saeyoung mumbles. “You two have fun!” And with that he slams the door and Yoosung starts up the engine.

Saeran hadn’t thought they’d be driving anywhere, so he hadn’t considered the possibility of being stuck in an enclosed space with no escape and having to make conversation with Yoosung. Oh god, how long will they be driving for? Ten minutes? Ten hours? _Fuck_.

“So… uh…” Saeran starts as Yoosung pulls out onto the road. He needs to think of something to say as soon as possible. “You… failed your driving test?” Wow, way to be polite.

His eyes flick to look at Yoosung and he notices a light pink creeping across his cheeks.

“Yeah. But I’ve passed now!”

“I mean, I hope so if you’re driving right now,” Saeran jokes lamely, and to his surprise Yoosung actually laughs. “Will you tell me where we’re going?”

“Nope! It’s still a surprise,” Yoosung says with a grin. Saeran rolls his eyes.

It’s not like he’s never seen Yoosung’s bare legs before, but seeing them right now is making him remember the photos, and… what he did while looking at them. Saeran shifts in his seat and tears his eyes away, trying to ignore how much he wants to touch the exposed skin.

“You didn’t wear shorts,” Yoosung says as though reading his mind, and Saeran swears he can hear the pout in his voice. He turns to look at him. Yep. Pouting.

“Oh, uh… is that a problem?”

Yoosung chews at his lip as though considering that for a moment.

“Not really. It might make it more difficult to- wait, no, I’m not telling you! That’ll spoil it!” Yoosung shakes his head and Saeran chuckles.

To his surprise, the car ride is far less awkward than he expected. They fall into easy conversation and Saeran doesn’t even notice how much time’s passing. He just… god, he loves being around Yoosung. It makes warmth settle inside him and he finds the conversation flowing easily. Yoosung hasn’t mentioned anything about his scars yet, so maybe he hasn’t seen them. Or maybe he’s being polite by not asking. Either way, Saeran supposes it doesn’t really matter.

Honestly, if the date turned out to be nothing more than a car ride, Saeran would be more than satisfied, but then he spots something on the horizon. He squints at it.

Is that…?

“Are we going to the beach?”

Yoosung squeaks with excitement.

“You guessed!! Yeah, we are!”

Saeran feels a smile break out across his face. “I’ve never been to the beach before.”

“That’s why I chose it!”

Yoosung finds a parking spot and they climb out the car. The sun is bright today, but Yoosung’s smile is brighter. Saeran can’t tear his eyes away from him.

They fall into step next to each other as they walk, and Saeran can hear the sound of the waves as excitement bubbles up inside him.

Suddenly he feels Yoosung’s hand brush against the back of his, and it sends a jolt through him. A second later, Yoosung’s fingers slowly slip between his. Saeran feels beads of sweat on his forehead, and it’s not from the heat of the sun.

When they reach the beach, it’s not deserted, but it’s not too busy either.

“I want to walk in the sea!” Yoosung says, tugging at Saeran’s hand and practically dragging him towards the water. He drops his hand and kicks his shoes off, shoving them in his backpack and stepping into the water. He smiles at Saeran. “It’s nice! You should try.”

Saeran glances down at his feet. He sees why Yoosung wanted him to wear shorts now, but he can improvise. He takes his shoes and socks off, putting them in his own backpack and rolls his jeans up a few times. They’re too tight to roll up very far, but he supposes it doesn’t really matter if they get a bit wet.

As soon as he’s ready, Yoosung reaches out for his hand again and tugs him towards the water. Saeran lets out a small noise of surprise when his feet are immersed. It’s colder than he expected, but Yoosung’s right, it’s really nice.

They walk along the beach hand in hand, and the further they walk, the fewer people there are which makes Saeran relax even more. Everything feels so… calm. The cool water laps around his feet, Yoosung’s hand is warm in his, and he can turn his head to look at him _whenever he wants_. The sun is shining on Yoosung’s hair, and it almost looks like he has a halo. Saeran wouldn’t be surprised.

“You know, I never thought about having a crush on another guy before I met you,” Yoosung says quietly, and when Saeran glances at him in surprise he sees that his cheeks are dusted with pink as he looks down at the water.

“Really?” he whispers. Yoosung nods.

“It never even crossed my mind. I just… I always thought I’d have a girlfriend, but then… I don’t know. At first I didn’t think much of it, but then I… I figured it out.” He shakes his head and laughs softly. “It was kind of difficult to ignore.”

Saeran feels his heart racing.

“Have you told anyone about this being a date?” Saeran asks, and Yoosung shakes his head.

“No. I mean, I asked Saeyoung for help with planning this, but I didn’t tell him it was a date.” Yoosung bites at his lip, and for a second he looks nervous. “I… hah, I mean, I wanted to see how this went first. To see if you… if you even liked me. Let’s sit down!”

Saeran doesn’t have a chance to respond before Yoosung tugs at his hand and rushes back onto the sand. He drops his hand and pulls a blanket out his bag, spreading it on the ground and plopping down. Saeran sits next to him, crossing his legs as Yoosung stretches his out in front of him and wiggles his sandy toes. He has cute toes.

“You don’t think I like you?” he asks, frowning in confusion.

“Well, I mean, I don’t know for _sure,_ ” Yoosung says quickly. “I don’t want to just assume. I know we said we were pre-boyfriends, b-but I don’t want to push anything on you! I just wanted-”

“Yoosung,” Saeran interrupts his rambling with a smile, and he grabs his hand and intertwines their fingers together again. “Of course I like you.” Yoosung blinks at him with his big, purple eyes that Saeran could get lost in.

“You do?” he whispers.

“That’s why I’m here,” Saeran reassures him. His hand moves of its own accord, lifting Yoosung’s and pressing a soft kiss to his knuckles. “I like you a lot.”

The butterflies have been constant all day, but right now they’re going crazy.

Yoosung stares at him for a moment, a soft expression on his face that Saeran can’t quite put a word to. Is he looking at him… affectionately? Even after his confession, he barely dares to hope.

“I like you a lot, too,” Yoosung breathes, and Saeran notices his eyes flick down to his lips for a split second. “C-can… can I…?”

Does Yoosung want to kiss him? Is that what he’s asking? Oh _god_ Saeran feels like his heart might burst from how fast it’s beating.

He doesn’t finish the question, but Saeran nods anyway.

Yoosung leans in slowly. Saeran can see that Yoosung’s breathing just as quickly as him, and he can feel their breaths mingling between them as their lips glide closer to each other. Yoosung pauses when they’re almost touching, and Saeran waits. Waits for Yoosung to decide whether or not to go through with it. Will he back out? The air between them feels electric, and Saeran’s not sure how much more of it he can take before he passes out.

Finally, Yoosung closes the rest of the gap.

When their lips touch it’s gentle. A barely there brush against each other until Saeran moves closer. Yoosung’s lips are softer than he ever could have imagined they would be. Saeran’s free hand moves up to cup Yoosung’s jaw as he brushes his thumb gently over his cheek.

Saeran’s kissed people before, but it’s never been like this. Yoosung’s movements are nervous and uncertain, so Saeran has to guide him in the kiss, but that’s okay. Saeran’s nervous too, but he can feel heat exploding inside him and overriding everything else as he focuses on how Yoosung feels against him.

Saeran almost jumps in surprise when he feels a tentative hand rest on his thigh.

This feeling is the most exhilarating thing Saeran’s ever experienced, and it’s all thanks to Yoosung. He finally feels normal. He finally feels _happy._

He never thought he’d feel this way about anybody, but it feels right that these feelings are towards Yoosung. It’s almost like he’s drawn towards him like a magnet.

Neither of them seem to want to pull away, but eventually their lips part and Saeran can’t tell who ended the kiss. Everything he does, every movement he makes feels like it’s in sync with Yoosung. They’re both panting softly as they open their eyes again and look at each other, barely inches apart.

“That was amazing,” Yoosung whispers, and Saeran can feel the tickle of his breath on his lips.

“You’re amazing,” he whispers right back.

Saeran pauses the moment in his mind and seals it away in its own little bubble so it can’t be tampered with. Right now everything is so overwhelmingly _Yoosung_. He can hear his soft breaths, he can see his sparkling eyes, he can taste him on his lips, he can smell his homey scent, he can feel his hand burning into his thigh in the best way, and he has never _ever_ felt more at peace.

This moment. This moment is the one he’d pick to last forever if he had the choice.


	22. Heat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I suddenly hit a huge block, but I tried my best to write through it. I hope this chapter isn't too bad.

_Stage 25: Heat._

Saeran never thought anything could feel as good as kissing Yoosung, but the rest of the date is just as exciting. They get ice cream. Yoosung giggles when Saeran accidentally gets some on his nose, and Saeran responds by accidentally-on-purpose nudging Yoosung’s arm so he gets some on his own. They paddle in the sea for a while and Yoosung kicks water at him playfully. The sun beats down on them both and for the first time in his life Saeran feels like he’s alive.

Eventually the air starts getting chilly, and Saeran frowns when he notices Yoosung shiver while they’re sitting back on the blanket again.

“Do you think we should head back now?” he suggests, and to his surprise, Yoosung pouts at him. He does that a lot. It’s cute.

“I don’t want this to end.” Yoosung looks down at his hands fidgeting in his lap. “I was… uh, I was wondering if you wanted to come back to my place?”

“Now?”

“Yeah! Only… if you want to.”

“Sure.”

Honestly, Saeran doesn’t want this day to end either.

They head back to the car, and there’s none of the sense of finality Saeran was scared he might feel. Being with Yoosung feels right, and he doesn’t know if Yoosung feels quite the same as he does, but god he hopes so. It’s like all his anxieties melt away when he’s with him.

On the drive back Saeran can’t stop his eyes from repeatedly being drawn to Yoosung’s lips. Now that he’s kissed them once, it’s all he ever wants to do.

Saeran wonders if Yoosung knows how fucking pretty he is. Does he realise what he’s _doing_ to Saeran? Now that they’re… dating (kind of? Saeran’s not good with technicalities) he can’t stop himself thinking about him. _Everything_ about him.

He knows it’s probably bad to think of Yoosung in such a sexual way when all they’ve done is kiss once, but when he starts he can’t stop. He looks at his bare legs and thinks about how it would feel to grab the fucking adorable chub on his thighs. He looks at his neck and thinks about the noises Yoosung would make if he bit down on it. He looks at his face and wonders how it would look as he made him cum, wonders what noises he would make and what expression he’d have.

He knows he shouldn’t be thinking that, but he can’t help it. He’s never wanted someone so badly.

But, in all honesty, Saeran’s not sure he’s ready for that.

He knows Yoosung’s never done anything like that with anyone before, and if Saeran really is going to be his first, he doesn’t want it to just be out of lust. He doesn’t want it to be meaningless, but that’s all Saeran’s used to. The other guys he’s fucked… he didn’t care about them and they didn’t care about him. Saeran never even took his clothes off completely because he didn’t trust anyone, but if he does something with Yoosung, he wants to be as close to him as he can be.

Saeran knows his brain is muddled. He’s read and watched enough romance to know that, and his therapist has told him as much. Right now he’s confusing sexual attraction with innocent interest, because that’s just the way things were at Mint Eye. Sex wasn’t seen as a big deal, but for Yoosung he feels like it will be. He probably values his ‘first time’ pretty highly. And Saeran _wants_ it to be important. He wants to make Yoosung feel like the most special person in the entire world, and he can’t do that if they fuck on the first date.

There’s also the issue of how Yoosung might react if he saw his body. Would he be disgusted? Would he run? Saeran’s not ready for that either.

Just because Yoosung’s inviting him back to his place, doesn’t mean he wants that right now.

They reach Yoosung’s building and he parks the car. Student accommodation. Obviously he should have expected that, but for some reason he didn’t. He wonders what it would be like if he lived somewhere like this. Would it be better than the bunker? At least there would be windows.

Yoosung leads the way through the entrance, and Saeran’s hand feels almost painfully cold without Yoosung’s holding it. He wonders if Yoosung’s not holding his hand because he might see someone he knows. Is he ashamed of Saeran, or is he just not ready to come out yet?

Saeran tries to understand, but he feels the raincloud slowly forming around his head again.

They reach Yoosung’s room and Yoosung holds the door open for him.

“Welcome!” he says with a grand, sweeping gesture to the apartment. “It’s… hah, it’s small, but I think it has its charm.”

Saeran looks around and takes it all in. Yoosung’s not wrong about it being small, but it’s… nice. It’s not exactly messy, but it feels lived in, and it smells of Yoosung so that instantly lifts his mood.

“It does,” he agrees.

“So… do you… want to watch a movie?” Yoosung asks. Saeran nods, and he leads him over to the sofa. They sit next to each other and… god, Saeran wants to shuffle closer and put his arm around him, but he needs to respect boundaries, right? Maybe he should wait and see if Yoosung makes some kind of move first.

Fuck. He wishes he had more experience with this.

Yoosung scrolls through Webflix for a few moments before laughing nervously.

“I… hah, I don’t really know what kinda stuff you like to watch.”

“Oh, uh, I mean I don’t watch many movies,” Saeran admits. “You can just put on whatever you like.” Not like he’ll be paying attention anyway.

“Sure!” Yoosung still sounds nervous as he scrolls through, and a few minutes pass. It’s almost as if he’s stalling for time, but Saeran can’t figure out why. Does he want him to leave? He’s about to ask, but then Yoosung speaks again. “How d’you like Bisney movies?”

Saeran tries to keep his expression neutral. He cannot, under any circumstances, let Yoosung know just how much he _loves_ Bisney. He’s spent most of his time since being rescued from Mint Eye just catching up on the childhood he should have had.

But he can’t stop his voice from lifting a little.

“Yeah, they’re… I don’t mind them.” He tries to sound casual about it, but he sees Yoosung looking at him knowingly out of the corner of his eye. Fuck. Did Saeyoung tell him something he shouldn’t have?

“Okay! Let’s go for… Tangling.”

Yoosung starts up the movie and sits back on the sofa, getting comfortable. Saeran pulls his legs up so they’re crossed in front of him. This is fine, right? He’s not being rude or anything?

Saeran keeps his eyes glued on the screen but he’s not really paying attention, far too aware of the blonde hair and the bare legs next to him.

He wants to move closer. He wants to kiss him as this movie plays in the background, but he’s not sure what the right thing to do is. Is one kiss enough for this date? Is Yoosung expecting more, or is this all he wants for now? Saeran isn’t sure, and he doesn’t know how to figure it out. His brain is racing almost as fast as his heart, and he suddenly feels the couch adjust as Yoosung shifts his weight and moves closer.

He almost jumps out of his skin when he feels a gentle hand on his arm.

He turns to look at him in surprise, breath catching when he sees the look on Yoosung’s face.

“Saeran,” he whispers, as though there were other people watching this movie with them that he doesn’t want to disturb. “Can we… can I lean on you?”

Saeran stares at him for a moment. Is he dreaming?

He doesn’t trust himself to speak, so he just nods.

Yoosung shuffles closer and leans his head on Saeran’s shoulder gently, as though worried it might weigh too much. Saeran shifts his weight so he can lean into Yoosung too.

They stay like that for a little while. It’s awkward and uncomfortable, so Saeran eventually movies to slide his arm around Yoosung and rest his cheek tentatively on his head. Are they cuddling? Is that what this is? Oh god, he hopes Yoosung can’t hear his heart hammering right now. He swears it’s louder now than it’s ever been.

Yoosung moves a little more so their legs are pressed together and Saeran suddenly wishes he _had_ worn shorts so he could feel Yoosung’s skin. Fuck, now he really wants to kiss him.

Saeran shifts his weight again, angling his body a little more towards Yoosung. Maybe if he whispers his name, Yoosung will look up at him and Saeran can kiss him again. But would it be wrong to surprise him like that? Maybe he could ask for a kiss, but whenever he thinks about saying it, the words get stuck in his throat. He can’t tell if Yoosung’s brain is whirring the way his is right now, but god he really hopes Yoosung wants to kiss him too.

Eventually it’s almost time for the lantern scene where Rapunzel and Flynn are in the boat together. This is one of the first Bisney movies Saeran watched, and this is the first scene that genuinely took his breath away. Just thinking about watching it with Yoosung is making his heart feel like it might explode. He… god, he wants to kiss him. He _really_ wants to kiss him.

Yoosung feels weirdly stiff in his arms all of a sudden, and Saeran wonders if he did something wrong.

“Saeran.”

His voice is so quiet it takes Saeran a moment to even realise he spoke.

“Yeah?” he whispers back. Yoosung moves away, lifting his head to look at him. Their faces are close. So close that Saeran would barely have to lean in at all to kiss him.

But in the end he doesn’t have to.

Yoosung closes the distance between them, pressing their lips together with a sense of desperation that takes Saeran’s breath away. Before he knows what he’s doing, one of his hands is resting on Yoosung’s bare thigh and his other is around his waist. Both Yoosung’s hands come up to Saeran’s head and he tangles his fingers in his hair. The kiss feels more urgent this time, and when Saeran’s recovered from the initial shock he returns it with just as much desperation. Yoosung’s lips part in a gasp, and Saeran takes to opportunity to slide his tongue past them and into his mouth, stomach flipping when he feels it touch Yoosung’s. Kissing Yoosung brings about a feeling that Saeran never imagined he could have. It’s some kind of mix between excitement and peace, fire and ice. The way his brain is short-circuiting makes him wonder if Yoosung can feel all this too. Does it feel just as electric to him?

Saeran barely has time to think before Yoosung swings his leg over his lap so he’s pretty much sitting on him. Saeran’s hands grip him tightly, and even though their teeth crash a few times, it’s the absolute best thing Saeran’s ever felt. Yoosung sitting in his lap and kissing him like his life depends on it… it’s too good to be true.

Saeran’s known for overthinking, but right now it’s difficult to think at all.

Both his hands slide to Yoosung’s thighs, and he swears his heart crashes right through his chest when he feels Yoosung whimper softly into his mouth. _Fuck_ that’s hot. He squeezes them a little tighter like he’s been longing to do all day, and is greeted with yet another whimper.

Saeran wants more.

He pulls out of the kiss and Yoosung barely has a chance to whine in protest before he’s bitten down on his neck and started sucking hard. He’s never done this before, but if Yoosung’s noises are anything to go by, he’s not doing a bad job at it. Yoosung’s desperate whimpers are right next to his ear now, and he swears each one shoots right to his core.

Saeran sucks hard on the skin, wanting to leave a mark. To claim Yoosung as his own. Maybe it’s a bad idea, but Yoosung isn’t protesting, so he doesn’t stop. Yoosung’s hands are still gripping hold of his hair, and his fingers are gradually tightening. Saeran pulls back, but then dives straight back in, sucking another mark onto his skin just underneath the first one.

He never really understood the appeal of hickeys. Now he knows.

Yoosung’s skin tastes good, which is strange because Saeran never thought skin would have much of a taste. It’s slightly salty, but it’s soft in his mouth and the fact that _he_ gets to mark it like this makes his heart swell with pride and adoration.

“S-Saeran,” Yoosung whimpers. Saeran hums in response, not wanting to pull back from the skin just yet, especially now that Yoosung’s said his name like that. Oh god oh god oh god if he keeps at this for much longer he’s never going to be able to stop.

“Saeran,” Yoosung breathes again, tugging at his hair. Saeran pulls his head back and looks up at him, a thrill shooting through him when he sees how dark his eyes are. “M-maybe we should stop…?”

Yoosung sounds reluctant, but… he’s right. Saeran nods.

“Yeah,” he agrees breathlessly, eyes flicking down to the two red marks that are now blossoming on his neck. He smirks proudly and watches as Yoosung’s already flushed face flushes even more. He lets go of Saeran’s hair and gently prods at the marks.

“That felt good,” he whispers like it’s a secret. “Can… can I try?”

“I thought you said we should stop?” Saeran’s not opposed to the idea of Yoosung marking him like that, but he can’t resist teasing.

“W-well, I… I want to. Please?”

Saeran wonders how much fun it would be to make Yoosung beg.

But not right now.

He simply nods and tilts his head to the side, leaving his neck wide open for Yoosung to devour if he so wishes. Yoosung blinks at it for a few moments as though his vision is fuzzy before leaning in. Saeran feels him nip gently at the skin, and he inhales sharply. Even just the feeling of Yoosung’s hot breath on him is enough to tell him he already enjoys this.

Yoosung’s more tentative than Saeran was, gently nipping at the skin before finally sinking his teeth down a little more firmly. Saeran gasps and feels Yoosung drag some of the skin between his teeth and suck, his tongue swirling at the same time.

He _definitely_ likes this.

Saeran grips Yoosung’s thighs more tightly, trying to supress the embarrassing noises that are threatening to spill from his throat. He can’t stop the occasional gasp and whimper, and before long he doesn’t care. Yoosung’s so gentle, as though he’s scared Saeran might break, but he’s also really fucking hot.

He digs his nails into Yoosung’s thighs without realising, and then feels Yoosung moan against the skin of his neck.

Huh. Masochist, maybe?

He digs his nails in harder and is greeted with another moan, Yoosung’s tongue movements becoming more sloppy and uncoordinated.

Yeah, definitely a masochist. That’s fun.

Saeran’s pretty new to the world of kinks, but all he knows is that he wants to make Yoosung make more of those noises. He experimentally drags his nails down Yoosung’s thigh, and is met with a moan that’s louder than any so far.

“Saeran,” he whimpers against the skin of his neck. He’s panting heavily against the wet spot he’s left there, and it sends shivers through his entire body and makes heat settle low in his stomach. If Yoosung says his name like that one more time, he’s going to lose his mind.

“Yoosung,” he breathes in response, pulling back to capture his lips in heavy kiss. Yoosung seems to be getting more and more desperate.

Saeran realises Yoosung’s not going to stop this again, so he really should be the one to.

He pulls back, resting their foreheads together as they both pant against each other’s lips.

“We should stop,” he whispers quietly, scared of breaking the spell.

“Mmh,” is all Yoosung seems to be able to say in response.

Saeran presses another quick kiss to Yoosung’s lips before pulling back to look at him. His hair is hanging in his face and his cheeks are flushed and his eyes are lidded and his lips are parted and Saeran doesn’t think he’s ever seen anything quite so beautiful.

“Amazing,” he breathes, reaching up to gently brush some of Yoosung’s hair from his eyes. “You’re so amazing.”

Saeran watches as Yoosung’s eyes open fully and his entire face lights up at the praise.

“I am?”

“Definitely.”

Yoosung bites at his lip to try and hide the smile on his face, and Saeran can’t help but stare at him. Is he really _this_ lucky? To be able to kiss Yoosung Kim of all people. He’s not sure he could ever get used to this.

“You have a really nice smile,” Yoosung whispers after a few moments, gently cupping his face with a hand. Saeran blinks in surprise. He hadn’t even been aware he’d been smiling.

“Really?”

“Yeah. I love it.”

Love. For some reason, that particular word hits him hard. It’s almost as though he can physically feel the last of his defensive barriers crumbling with that one word. Yoosung hasn’t said he loves him – just his smile – but even so it feels special. Saeran doesn’t quite know how to react, so he looks away, flustered.

“Yours is better,” he mumbles. Yoosung giggles and Saeran wishes he could capture the sound in a jar and keep it forever.

“It’s not a competition, silly,” he says, playfully poking Saeran’s nose.

“But if it were, your smile would win,” Saeran retorts stubbornly, but he still can’t stop his own.

Saeran remembers something his therapist said about happiness. About making a web of reasons to live rather than putting all his eggs in one basket, so to speak. That way, if one thing collapses, he’ll still have everything else to fall back on. His web currently consists of Saeyoung, university, art, reading, and… Yoosung, who has an overwhelmingly strong presence in it.

Perhaps he’s putting too much of his happiness on Yoosung right now, but part of him is screaming to just let himself be happy for once in his miserable life. His therapist told him that one of the strands of his web could fall apart without warning, but Yoosung doesn’t feel like that. He feels stable and solid and _real_ and Saeran’s desperate to cling onto that. If it fails in the future, he’ll deal with that then. But right now he just wants to feel happy in as unrestricted a way as possible.

His therapist also told him that he punishes himself too much. That he thinks he doesn’t deserve happiness when it seeks him out. She told him he should allow himself the luxury of feeling strongly every chance he gets, which kind of contradicts the whole web thing, but… well, right now all he wants is to drown in the feeling of Yoosung’s kisses trailing up his jaw and his hands dancing across his chest and his soft voice arguing with him about who has the best smile and his warm body pressed up against him.

Just _Yoosung_.


	23. Boundaries

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just so you're all aware: i'm a huge idiot!!!!!!!!!! I've totally been talking about this like it's an AU until I remembered...it's.....not supposed to be.........an au............ it's meant to be post-canon. but I mean I already accidentally made Jaehee work in the coffee shop a few chapters ago so! damn!!!! I hecked up. let's just view this as a semi-au. maybe. god see this is why I shouldn't write more than once multichapter fic at once lmao
> 
> also I know it's been a hot second since I updated and I'm really sorry for that! if you follow me on [tumblr](pupsung.tumblr.com) you'll know I went on a hiatus for a little while because I wasn't feeling great and needed to take a break, but I'm back!! this chapter feels a little clunky because I'm still getting back into the swing of writing, but I hope you like it anyway! I'm hoping to have this fic wrapped up as soon as I can!
> 
> also I updated the summary because the old one was,,lazy

_Stage 26: Boundaries_

Saeran made one huge oversight in regards to their trip to the beach. Something he hadn’t even considered, but he can’t possibly figure out how he didn’t notice.

Naturally, it’s the first thing Saeyoung had mentioned when he’s arrived back at the bunker.

“Hey, your cheeks look kind of pink. Are you okay?” he had asked.

That’s when he realised.

Oversight: the sun.

Consequence: sunburn.

“I even put sunscreen in your bag!” Saeyoung tells him as he gently rubs after sun lotion on his arms. It feels absolutely heavenly on his burning skin.

“I forgot,” Saeran admits grumpily. Maybe if Saeyoung had _warned_ him about where he’d been going he could have prepared before he’d even got in the car.

It makes sense he would burn. This has been the most time he’s spent in the sun… maybe ever.

By the next day it’s peeling, and it _hurts._

His skin feels tight and raw and uncomfortable, but… surprisingly he still feels _happy_. He’s the happiest he’s been for a really long time. Even though he woke up this morning feeling sorry for himself, he still managed to get up at the thought of seeing Yoosung today at lunch.

When he goes into the bathroom and looks in the mirror he sees that his nose and cheeks are kind of red, but they’re surprisingly not peeling. It just seems to be his arms. He’s never been one for wearing short-sleeves, so this is probably the first time his arms have seen the sun since… well, definitely since before Mint Eye.

As usual, Yoosung’s waiting for him outside the art block before lunch, and the smile he gives Saeran when he sees him is… god, it’s so bright it might just make his sunburn worse.

It’s not until they’re sitting down under the usual tree that he brings up Saeran’s state.

“Are you… are you okay? You look kind of red…”

Saeran looks down to try and hide his face behind his hair. Dammit. He hadn’t thought it was that noticeable.

“Yeah. Just from the sun.”

“The… oh, the beach? Wait!” Yoosung shuffles closer, and Saeran can’t resist looking up at him. His eyebrows are pulled together in worry as he studies his face. It’s cute. “Sunburn? Oh, god, I’m so sorry! I completely forgot to remind you to put sunscreen on!”

“It’s no big deal.” Saeran gives him a small smile, and Yoosung huffs.

“I’m useless! I should have remembered!”

“Don’t beat yourself up about it. Really.”

There’s a pause. Saeran looks down at his food and he can feel Yoosung’s eyes burning into him.

“It makes your eyes look brighter,” he whispers under his breath.

Saeran has a feeling that his eyes are brighter for more reasons than just that.

“And you have freckles.” Yoosung’s voice comes from so close to his ear Saeran jumps a little.

“I… huh? I do?” he says in shock, hand flying up to his face as though he’d be able to feel them there. He hadn’t noticed this morning when he’d looked in the mirror. Maybe he’d been too tired? Or maybe he just hadn’t been looking properly.

All he knows is he’s never had freckles before. It’s… exciting.

“Yeah! They’re kind of faint at the moment but if you went in the sun more I bet they’d get darker!” How does Yoosung always manage to sound so enthusiastic about everything? It makes Saeran’s heart feel warm. “I didn’t know you had freckles.”

“Neither did I,” Saeran admits sheepishly, catching Yoosung’s eye for a second. God, he’s so beautiful. Saeran doesn’t think he’s ever met someone so beautiful.

“Well, I’m glad I can be the one you find out these things with,” Yoosung says with a wide smile as he sits back and gets back to his food.

Saeran nods. He’s glad too. There’s no one else he’d rather figure things out with, no matter how small they are.

 

* * *

 

Overall nothing really seems to change between them over the next week. They hang out at lunch, they walk home after classes together… the only differences are that they text more than usual, and Saeran constantly has to hold himself back from kissing Yoosung every second. His lips seem to be taunting him, and whenever Yoosung talks it takes all his self-control not to stare at them and watch the way they move.

Yoosung texts him every morning. Saeran’s heard of the whole ‘good morning text’ thing before, but he hadn’t given it much thought. He’d never considered how genuinely heart-warming it could be to know he’s on Yoosung’s mind as soon as he wakes up. He’d never tell anyone, but Yoosung’s the first thing he thinks of every morning too.

Saeran treasures weekends to give him a much needed break after every exhausting week, but he also dreads them because they mean he won’t get to see Yoosung. And after last weekend he feels like he might get withdrawal symptoms or something. Are they going to see each other again? Should he worry about it, or just let it be?

He feels his phone buzz in his pocket as he’s sitting in front of the TV with Saeyoung on Friday night. There’s only one person it could possibly be, so he grabs it as quickly as he can.

 

**Yoosung:** Hey Saeran~!

**Yoosung:** Hope ur not asleep yet lolol

**Yoosung:** I was wondering if you wanted to hang out tomorrow?

 

Saeran feels his heart skip. Oh thank god. Sometimes he swears Yoosung can read his mind.

 

**Me:** I’m not asleep yet, no.

**Me:** I’d like that.

 

When? Where? What will they do? Saeran’s mind is racing with questions that he’s too anxious to ask.

 

**Yoosung:** Okay!

**Yoosung:** Saeyoung told me he’s away tomorrow, so…

**Yoosung:** we could hang out at the bunker?

 

Saeran blinks at his phone in surprise. He didn’t know that. He looks up at Saeyoung.

“You’re going somewhere tomorrow?”

Saeyoung glances at him in surprise. “Oh, yeah. I mentioned it last week I think.”

“I forgot,” Saeran mumbles, looking back down at his screen. He does vaguely remember Saeyoung mentioning something about that. “For the whole day?”

“Yeah.”

Saeran’s still not ready to tell Saeyoung about his… relationship with Yoosung yet, so if he’s out the house anyway that’s less stress on his part.

 

**Me:** Yeah.

**Me:** Sounds good to me.

 

* * *

 

Saeyoung’s gone by the time Saeran wakes up, which he’s glad for because he’d definitely question him if he could see what an anxious mess Saeran is right now. He feels like he’s about the melt into a puddle on the floor. He _wishes_ he could.

After he and Yoosung had figured out the details of when he was going to come over and Saeran was lying in bed, dozy from his sleep medication, it suddenly hit him. Every single cliché in every single romance movie and book he’s consumed is telling him that Yoosung will be expecting something of him. Something he’s really not sure he’s ready to give.

Yoosung had specifically mentioned Saeyoung was away tomorrow, and it had taken Saeran far too long to connect the dots of home alone = possible sex?

Would Yoosung understand if he told him he wasn’t ready? But should he just outright say that? What if Yoosung _wasn’t_ expecting anything like that, and Saeran bringing it up just makes things awkward and makes _Yoosung_ feel like he’s being pushed into something? He doesn’t want that at all.

Yoosung’s due to arrive in twenty minutes which, quite frankly, isn’t nearly enough time for him to calm himself down. He just hopes he can at least appear normal.

Yoosung had mentioned something to do with watching some movies. Maybe that really is all they’ll do? Saeran can’t deny he wants to kiss him again, but if things progress further he’s not sure he’d be able to handle it.

Every part of him is telling him that Yoosung will understand. Logically he knows Yoosung is _not_ the kind of person to put pressure on him, but that doesn’t ease Saeran’s worry of disappointing him. What if he’s so disappointed he ends up leaving?

_Calm down. Yoosung wouldn’t do that._

The twenty minutes crawl by unbearably slowly while also somehow managing to race by as though no time’s passed at all. Saeran’s phone buzzes right on time.

He doesn’t check the text. It can only be Yoosung announcing his arrival. Saeran’s nerves are churning in his stomach as he makes his way over to the door and taps in the code to unlock it. As always, he greeted with the smile he always forgets is so bright.

“Saeran! Hi!” Yoosung steps inside and kicks his shoes off as Saeran closes the door behind him. “Have you eaten yet?”

“Oh… uh, yeah, I did. Have you?” Saeran’s still getting used to this whole ‘politeness’ thing. Yoosung nods.

“I have.” He swings his backpack round to his front. “I brought some movies if you wanted to watch one!”

Saeran nods, not trusting himself to speak as Yoosung bounces over to the TV. He’s less anxious now that Yoosung’s actually here, but god he’s still terrified of disappointing him. If watching this movie ends up resulting in anything like what happened before, Saeran’s not sure he’ll be able to calm himself down. They’d made out a lot last time. Is that what Yoosung expects to happen again? Or does he want to do more? At Yoosung’s there was the threat of neighbours hearing which Saeran hadn’t realised he’d been relying on so much, but if they’re here… the bunker is entirely soundproof.

His brain races as he sits down on the sofa. Doing something with Yoosung wouldn’t be so bad. Not really. It’s not as though he hasn’t thought about it. But the very real possibility of it actually _happening_ feels like too much to handle. He’s not _ready_ for that yet. Does he want to make Yoosung feel good? Of course he does. But part of him feels like he doesn’t deserve to touch him at all.

Yoosung’s kneeling in front of the TV right now, sitting on his heels as he rummages through his bag. God, he’s… he’s so cute. No, not just cute. He’s _beautiful_. Saeran can still barely believe he likes him at all.

_Don’t ruin this._

Yoosung turns around so suddenly Saeran doesn’t have time to pretend like he wasn’t staring.

“Do you-” Yoosung cuts himself off and blinks in surprise as Saeran hurriedly looks away, pretending he’d been looking at the blank TV screen the whole time. He can see Yoosung shuffling on his knees. Did Saeran make him uncomfortable? Probably. He clears his throat and starts again. “Do you want to watch Lady of the Bracelets? I brought all three of the films, and I don’t know if you’ve seen them…”

Saeran shakes his head. “I haven’t.”

Yoosung’s eyes widen in excitement and he’s smiling again. “Ooh! I think you’ll really like them! They’re my favourites!”

Honestly, Saeran would like a literal pile of shit if Yoosung told him he liked it.

Yoosung puts the movie in and plops down on the sofa next to Saeran. Rather than it being awkward and uncertain like last time, he leans his head on his shoulder straight away, and Saeran has to close his eyes for a second to try and stop his heart exploding out his chest.

He eventually responds by leaning in closer, nervously sliding his arm around Yoosung so it rests on his waist. He feels Yoosung shiver a little under his touch, and that makes Saeran’s heart race even faster. How is he supposed to focus on watching this when Yoosung’s right next to him?

Everything about him is tempting. Saeran doesn’t dare to look at his lips in case he can’t stop himself from kissing him, but he can feel how soft he is under his hand and oh _god_ he’s further gone for this guy than he’d thought.

Saeran’s all sharp points and jagged edges, but Yoosung’s soft and bright and glowing. His face is round and gentle and his body is smooth and unblemished. Saeran wonders if it’s ever going to stop feeling so impossible that someone like him could want to be with him. Do the scars not bother him? The huge, dark tattoo? The shady past and the endless nightmares and the constant possibility of a panic attack? Just how long is Yoosung willing to put up with all that?

He’s skin and bone, but he can’t help hoping that one day he’ll be full of life just like Yoosung.

Yoosung lets out a soft sigh from beside him, and Saeran makes the mistake of turning to look at him and catching sight of his lips. He’s kissed those lips before. He’s the only person who’s _ever_ kissed them. That both feels like the highest honour and a terrifying responsibility, but he thinks he can handle it.

His lips are pink and plump and slightly parted as he watches the screen. His expression is relaxed, and he’s not smiling but his eyes seem happy. Does Saeran make him happy? He wants to. He’s never wanted anything more.

Yoosung’s eyes flick up to look at him and his lips stretch into a smile which makes Saeran suddenly forget any worry he might have had earlier. He leans in and presses their lips together.

Yoosung lets out a soft noise of surprise and shifts his position so they can kiss more comfortably as his hands find their way to Saeran’s shoulders. Saeran rests his hands on Yoosung’s waist. Kissing Yoosung is amazing. He’s never felt heat rush through him quite like this before, and it’s kind of addictive. He wishes he could kiss Yoosung all the time.

Yoosung suddenly swings his leg over Saeran’s lap, and that causes Saeran to gasp into the kiss. Yoosung seems to be taking charge of this, and he slides his tongue into Saeran’s mouth as he shifts so he’s effectively sitting in his lap. Saeran’s heart skips and his stomach lurches and he’s never wanted anything more than this…

But wait. He can’t… he can’t let Yoosung do this if he expects something more from him. He feels panic gradually start to set in, and it’s not long before Yoosung pulls out of the kiss, a look of concern on his face.

“Is everything okay?” he asks in a whisper. Saeran swallows and nods.

“Y-yeah, I… I just…”

“We can stop if you want.” He doesn’t sound disappointed. Or is that just Saeran’s mind playing tricks on him? His eyes lock on Yoosung’s t-shirt as he tries to hide behind his hair.

“No!” Saeran grips his waist more tightly to stop Yoosung sliding off his lap. “No… I… I like this. I just… I don’t think…” God, how the fuck is he supposed to say this?

Yoosung cups Saeran’s face in his hands and pulls it up to look at him.

“Saeran,” he says gently, a soft smile on his face. “It’s okay. You can talk to me.”

Saeran looks at him, and there’s absolutely no hint of disappointment or expectation on Yoosung’s face. Of course he can talk to him. This is _Yoosung_.

“I don’t know if you were… uhm, if you thought we’d do anything… more?” He tries to speak slowly to mask the anxiety and give himself time to think. “But I… I don’t think we should. Not y-yet, anyway.”

Yoosung nods, and Saeran suddenly forgets why he was ever worried at all. His face is flushed slightly at the implications, but that’s just simple Yoosung embarrassment rather than actual discomfort.

“Of course. We won’t do anything until we both want it, okay? I… I mean, not that we have to _plan_ it. Just that w-we should only do it when we’re ready! Right?” Yoosung starts talking faster and faster and Saeran can’t help but let out a soft laugh. God, he’s so cute when he’s flustered.

“Right,” Saeran agrees.

And that’s all it took for Saeran’s anxieties to melt away entirely. It’s all he needed to keep making out with Yoosung without worrying it could turn into something more. Yoosung’s like an open book, and _god_ that makes him so much easier to trust. Saeran doesn’t need to keep second-guessing everything he says, because Yoosung wears his heart on his sleeve. The complete opposite of Saeran, but somehow it feels like that makes them work together even better.

There’s nothing to worry about. Nothing at all.


	24. Seeing beauty

_Stage 27: Seeing beauty._

It seems to be some kind of unspoken agreement between Saeran and Yoosung that they don’t participate in what Saeran has now come to learn is called ‘PDA’. When he’d first discovered the term it had struck fear right through to his core. Public displays of affection sound terrifying. No thank you, not where everyone else can see. It’s difficult enough letting just Yoosung see his emotions laid out bare, and he hasn’t even fully done that yet, so the idea of holding hands or kissing where other people can see makes Saeran shudder.

Yoosung doesn’t seem to want to either, or at least he doesn’t seem to mind that Saeran doesn’t want to. Saeran can’t deny that if he had it his way, they would be kissing and cuddling and holding hands all the time, but they also wouldn’t have to be around other people so much.

Saeran hasn’t told Saeyoung about whatever this thing he has with Yoosung is yet. They still haven’t even officially come out of the ‘pre-boyfriend’ stage, so Saeran wouldn’t know how to tell him anyway. As far as Saeyoung knows the only thing happening is Saeran having a crush on Yoosung. He wants to keep it that way, at least for now. In an odd way the secret actually makes it more exciting.

Sometimes their hands accidentally brush against each other when they’re walking, or sometimes Yoosung will show him a funny picture on his phone at lunch and Saeran will bring a hand up to hold the phone so their fingers touch, or sometimes Yoosung leans in to whisper something in his ear and will subtly kiss his cheek as he pulls back. No one ever sees. No one knows. But _they_ do, and it gets Saeran’s heart racing every time.

Yoosung invites him over the next week on Wednesday, giving Saeran the one day notice he needs. Yoosung seems to pick up on that kind of stuff pretty quickly. He knows he can’t just spring plans on Saeran last minute, and he always asks him to hang out at least a day in advance. It’s… nice. Saeran’s not good at explaining that stuff, but Yoosung just seems to _get_ it.

Tuesday evening Saeran gets home in a good mood, which has started happening more and more recently.

“You seem happy,” Saeyoung comments as he plops down next to him on the sofa. Saeran looks at him, but even Saeyoung’s annoying grin isn’t enough to dampen his mood.

“Had a good day.”

“Good! I’m glad!”

“Oh, uh… I’m going round Yoosung’s tomorrow after class so don’t worry when I don’t come home.”

“You’re spending a lot of time with Yoosung, huh?” Saeyoung says casually, looking at the TV screen intently. He’s not fooling anyone. It’s an ad break right now. Saeran narrows his eyes at him. Does he suspect something? Or is he just going to tease him about his crush?

“Yeah. We’re friends.”

“So how are things with him?” His voice is far too nonchalant for Saeran’s liking.

“Fine…” he says uncertainly.

“How’s your crush?”

“It’s…” He pauses. “How the hell am I meant to answer that?”

Saeyoung shrugs and finally turns to look at him.

“Has anything come of it? Confessions? Kisses? Cuddles?” With each word Saeyoung leans closer, a shit-eating grin spreading across his face. Saeran looks away scowling, but he can feel heat crawling across his cheeks.

“None of your business.”

“So it _has?”_

“Shut the fuck up.”

“It has!” Saeyoung sings, throwing his hands in the air triumphantly. “Are you dating? Is he your boyfriend?”

“Saeyoung.” Saeran turns to look at him, glaring as best as he can. Saeyoung doesn’t seem fazed. “I said shut the fuck up.”

“But I wanna knoooow~” he whines, leaning closer, grinning obnoxiously. “Should I ask Yoosung? He’ll tell me.”

“ _Don’t._ ”

“Whyyyyy?”

“He’s not my boyfriend.” Saeran folds his arms defensively and turns to face the screen again, heart racing.

“Then what is he?”

“My…” He swallows. Is he really going to tell Saeyoung? Is part of him really that desperate to talk about it? “Pre-boyfriend.”

Saeyoung’s smile turns into confusion. “Pre-boyfriend? What does that mean?”

“It means no pressure on either of us to do anything.”

That finally seems to satisfy Saeyoung, and he flops back on the sofa.

“Do you know how difficult it was to keep that a secret?” he sighs dramatically.

“Secret? What secret?” That immediately sets off blaring sirens in Saeran’s head.

“Your crush. His crush. I was the middle man who knew it all but couldn’t tell anyone! All I could do was watch you dance around each other!”

“W… wait.” Saeran sits up straight and studies Saeyoung’s face for any sign of a lie. “ _His_ crush?”

“Yeah! He told me he had a crush on you and asked for, like… I dunno. Not permission to date you, exactly. It was kind of more of a warning before he made a move.

Saeran just stares at him for a moment in total disbelief.

“You… you _knew?!_ And you didn’t _tell me?”_

Saeyoung looks at him, clearly not expecting that outburst.

“I promised him I wouldn’t tell you.”

Saeran groans and leans back. “I can’t believe you didn’t fucking tell me.”

“He was _scared_ , Saeran,” Saeyoung says, nudging him. “He actually cried.”

“He… what?”

“He cried. He’d never had a crush on a guy before, and when he figured it out he was scared.”

“Scared?” Saeran repeats quietly. Why would he be scared? “What was there to be scared about?”

“What that meant for him. How he’d tell his family. He always thought he’d end up with a girlfriend, but he said now he can’t picture his life without you. It was an entire change in his ideals and vision for the future. Obviously he would be scared.”

Saeran hadn’t realised. He hadn’t even _thought_ Yoosung might be scared. He’d been so scared himself that he hadn’t noticed.

What kind of person doesn’t notice that kind of thing?

Saeran stands abruptly and heads to his room without another word.

Yoosung. Scared. Somehow those words never seemed to exist together before, but now he can’t stop thinking about Yoosung crying to Saeyoung about how he feels. And Saeran hadn’t even considered it.

 

* * *

 

A month ago an internal conflict like this would have destroyed Saeran, or at the very least broken him down enough that he would cut off all contact with Yoosung. But instead he feels a firm determination. He wants to make things right. He wants to repay Yoosung for everything he’s done for him and make him feel special. Selfish as it sounds, the thought of Yoosung crying to Saeyoung sets off a spark of jealousy inside him. _He_ wants the person Yoosung comes crying to when he’s sad or scared _. He_ wants to help him through it. _He_ wants to be there for him.

He’s aware enough to know he shouldn’t let this jealousy get too far. As much as he wants Yoosung all to himself, he can’t cut him off from his friends. He just wants to solidify himself in Yoosung’s life. He wants to be a pillar of strength – something he never thought he could be before now.

The next day passes as normal. Saeran’s not sure if he should make some kind of grand gesture that evening when he goes round Yoosung’s. Yoosung would like that kind of thing, right? But what can he possibly do on such short notice?

They walk to his place together, Yoosung chatting excitedly about his day while Saeran pays close attention. He’s a beacon of light as always. Saeran wants to live up to that. To give Yoosung even just half of what he gives him.

When they reach Yoosung’s, he fumbles with his keys for a minute before opening the door. As soon as they’re inside and the door is shut, Saeran grabs Yoosung hand, intertwining their fingers together. He watches as Yoosung looks at him in surprise, in the middle of kicking his shoes off, while a soft blush spreads across his face.

“O-oh,” he squeaks, quickly looking back down at his feet and hiding behind his hair as he finishes taking off his shoes. Saeran can’t help but smile. He’s so easy to fluster. And he’s so cute, too.

Saeran kicks off his own shoes and leads the way into Yoosung’s apartment, flopping down on the sofa and tugging Yoosung with him. He quickly wraps his free arm around him when he does, pulling Yoosung closer and earning himself a soft yelp of surprise. He buries his face in Yoosung’s shoulder.

“S-Saeran…” he says breathlessly. Saeran feels Yoosung slide his arm around him too, nuzzling his face into his hair.

“Yeah?” he responds with a smile.

“So… so cuddly today.” Yoosung giggles softly and Saeran’s heart squeezes. Saeran turns his head to nuzzle his nose against Yoosung’s neck, making him shake briefly in Saeran’s arms as a shiver runs through his body.

“Wanna be close to you right now,” he mumbles. He can feel his face getting warm, but Yoosung likes this mushy and cheesy stuff, right? Saeran just hopes he’s good at it. His feelings for Yoosung are mushy and cheesy in themselves, so if he just speaks his mind he should do okay. “Wanna be close to you all the time.”

Yoosung laughs softly. “And here I was worrying I’d be the clingy one.” He’s teasing, of course, but his voice is shaking slightly. Saeran hopes that’s from happiness. “But, uhm… why this all of a sudden?”

“Wanted you to know.” Saeran’s voice is muffled by Yoosung’s neck, and he takes the opportunity to press a soft kiss to the skin. “You deserve the world.”

“So do you,” Yoosung whispers in response.

“No, you don’t understand.” Saeran decides to pull back and look at him. Maybe eye contact is the best course of action here. He holds it as best as he can as Yoosung looks at him with wide, purple eyes. “You. Deserve. Everything.”

Yoosung blinks at him, an emotion Saeran doesn’t recognise playing across his features. He watches his Adam’s apple bob as he swallows, watches as his features twist as though they aren’t sure what to do, watches as his eyes gradually turn watery and…

Wait. No! Why is he crying?!

Yoosung’s hands fly to his face as soon as the first tear rolls down his cheek as though he can hide them from Saeran.

“Yoosung?” Saeran says uncertainly, hands fluttering uselessly around as he tries to figure out how to fix whatever he did wrong. Was it too much? Did he completely misinterpret what Yoosung wants from this? Does Yoosung not want him anymore?

What if he invited him over to break up with him, but Saeran ruined it by doing and saying all this?

“Y-Yoosung…” His voice is hoarse and his voice wobbly. “I’m sor–”

Before he can finish, Yoosung’s hands are on his cheeks, yanking him into a kiss. He’s shaking and his face is damp, but he’s kissing him as though it's the first and last time he ever will. Like his life depends on it.

Their mouths moves clumsily at first but eventually fall into rhythm together. Their tongues slide against each other and Saeran feels like he could drown in this kiss and not even notice. It feels both heavier than lead but lighter than air at the same time. How does Yoosung kiss like this? How does he put every ounce of his being into it, and what did Saeran ever do to deserve it?

Things happen in a blur. Suddenly Yoosung’s on his back with Saeran propped up over him, kissing him with as much passion as he possibly can. Yoosung’s still crying. Why is he crying?

Saeran pulls out of the kiss, but doesn’t move back far. They’re both already breathing heavily.

“Why are you crying?” he asks breathlessly.

“I’m… I’m so… _happy_ ,” Yoosung says between shuddering breaths. “I’m so lucky to have you and I lo- I really like you, Saeran. So much you don’t even know.”

Yoosung the lucky one? No way.

“I really like you too,” he whispers, pausing to swallow. “Can we…” Wait, no, there’s a proper way to do this. He pulls back to look at his properly. “Yoosung Kim.” He looks so beautiful, hair a mess, pupils blown wide, cheeks flushed pink... “Will you be my boyfriend?”

Yoosung stares at him for a moment before a huge smile stretches across his face, and he lets out a breathless laugh.

“Yes! Of course!” He throws his arms around him and pulls him down into another scorching kiss.

One thing Saeran notices is that when Yoosung kisses, he kisses with his whole body. His back arches up and his hips wiggle slightly as though he’s trying to get as close as he possibly can. Saeran’s not even sure he realises he’s doing it.

The kiss gets hotter. Yoosung’s hands clutch hold of Saeran’s hoodie and whimpers start to escape. This is getting much more intense than any other kiss they’ve had before…

But Saeran doesn’t mind.

They said they’d go further when they were ready, right? Saeran thinks he’s ready, so if Yoosung is too…

Maybe he should test the waters first.

His hands come to a rest on Yoosung’s hips for a moment before gradually crawling up his body under his shirt, pushing it up as he goes. Saeran’s heart is racing faster than it ever has before as he feels the smooth, warm skin hidden under the thin layer of fabric. Yoosung’s whimpers get a little louder, and he seems to be pressing against Saeran’s hands, so he takes that as a signal to start moving them up further.

“S-Saeran,” Yoosung whispers, pulling out of the kiss for barely enough time to speak. “If you keep… I’m g-going to…”

“Going to…?”

“G-get, um…” Saeran can practically feel Yoosung’s embarrassment, but he’s not sure he understands. He pulls back to look at him properly, only to see his face is a colour that rivals Saeyoung’s hair. His shirt is half pushed up, Saeran’s hands resting on his chest. He can’t see the blush there, but he can feel it.

“Get what?”

“Y’know…” He slowly moves his hips, pressing his crotch against Saeran’s thigh. “H-hard…”

Saeran can feel that Yoosung’s already half-hard, and just the knowledge of that makes his stomach flip.

“I know we said we’d wait…” Yoosung lowers his hips again and looks away, guiltily. “I’m s-sorry.”

Saeran shifts his leg, pressing his thigh up against Yoosung’s crotch again.

“I’m okay with it if you are,” he breathes. Yoosung looks up at him in disbelief for a moment, as though trying to figure out if Saeran means it.

“O-okay.”

With that, Saeran leans down and kisses him hard again. He keeps his thigh pressed between Yoosung’s legs, and it’s not long before Yoosung starts moving his hips against it as his dick gets harder.

Yoosung grinding on his leg like this while they’re both still fully clothed shouldn’t be this hot.

Eventually Saeran’s so breathless he needs to pull back.

“Do you… do you want me to…?” He trails off as Yoosung’s eyes burn into him.

“Y-yes. Please.”

Saeran nods and leans down again, this time latching on to Yoosung’s neck and biting down as his hands fumble with his jeans, eventually popping the button open. He hears Yoosung gasp, and his hands clutch hold of the back of his shirt as he carefully undoes the zipper.

Is this really happening? Is he really about to touch Yoosung like this? But is Yoosung okay with that, or is this all a heat of the moment thing?

“Are you sure?” Saeran breathes against his neck.

“P-please, Saeran,” Yoosung whimpers. He’s begging now. “Please touch me.”

“Are you sure you want me to be your first?” He has to make sure. He _has_ to keep checking.

“God, yes, please, Saeran…” Yoosung’s voice is getting louder, more desperate, and it’s doing funny things to Saeran’s stomach. He’s already much more vocal than he expected. Usually he finds that annoying, but with Yoosung it’s really hot. “I’ve b-been dreaming of this for months… please…”

Months? Really? Oh god, that puts all sorts of images in Saeran’s head.

But if Yoosung’s really that certain…

Maybe Saeran’s ready to do something for him, even if he’s not ready for himself to be touched.

He hooks his fingers in the waistband of his jeans and Yoosung immediately lifts his ass so Saeran can pull them down. He doesn’t need to, but he pulls them all the way down to his knees because _god_ he wants to see his thighs. He glances down and is hit with the sudden realisation that, shit, he’s really doing this. He bites down on Yoosung’s neck again and is met with a moan in response.

He rests his hand on the bulge in Yoosung’s boxers, pressing down gently. He hears Yoosung’s breath catch and he whimpers desperately.

It’s strange. Saeran’s done this lots of times before, but for some reason this time he feels far more nervous. He really wants to make Yoosung feel good. He’s not sure he’s ever wanted anything more.

After a few moments sucking on the skin of his neck, Saeran slides his hand up, teasing at the waistband of his boxers. Yoosung’s hips move desperately in search of friction, and eventually Saeran finally slides his hand down and grasps hold of his dick.

Yoosung shudders and gasps, clutching hold of Saeran even tighter.

“F-fuck…” he whimpers. Saeran can still barely believe this is happening, even as he starts slowly moving his hand up and down Yoosung’s dick and Yoosung’s whimpers slowly turn to moans. He’s so sensitive. So… responsive. Everything Saeran does draws some kind of noise from him, and it’s making his head spin in the best way. He can feel his own dick straining against his jeans, but no. This is about Yoosung and making him feel as good as he can.

He bites down again on his neck, a little lower than the last bite as his free hand grips hold of Yoosung’s thigh. It feels so good in his hand, and he squeezes it, digging his nails into the soft flesh. Yoosung’s slight chub is one thing Saeran doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to get enough of.

He gradually speeds up the movement of his hand, tightening his grip at the same time. Yoosung’s a mess by this point. His moans are loud and unrestrained, and his hair is sticking to his forehead in a sheen of sweat. He’s never been more beautiful.

Saeran wants to taste those moans, so he pulls away from his neck and crashes their lips together once more. Yoosung seems surprised, but he kisses back right away, clumsily and desperately. Nothing’s ever been this fucking hot before.

Saeran’s fairly certain Yoosung moans his name into his mouth a few times, and just the thought sends heat pulsing through him.

It’s not long before Yoosung’s moans get higher and higher, and Saeran can feel his body tensing. Just a little more…

Yoosung cries out into his mouth, back arching and body shaking as Saeran feels the warmth of his cum shoot into his hand. He keeps pumping, working Yoosung through his orgasm, and he keeps kissing him too, even though Yoosung’s mouth is hanging open as the moans spill out, and it’s sloppy and messy and kind of gross but _fuck_ if it isn’t the best thing Saeran’s ever experienced.

Eventually Yoosung’s orgasm shudders to a stop, and Saeran slows his hand and pulls out of the kiss so he can look at him properly. Yoosung flops back down limply, breathing heavily, eyes closed with a satisfied look on his face. His cheeks are pink and his lips are parted and when Saeran lowers his eyes down Yoosung’s body he can see the bottom of his nipples just slightly hidden under his shirt, his cute belly that’s rising and falling quickly, covered in some cum Saeran hadn’t managed to catch, his dick, still in Saeran’s hand. Oh god, his dick. He’s actually looking at Yoosung’s dick.

His thought process is so fucking weird, but damn if that isn’t a cute dick.

He slowly pulls his hand off, trying not to get the cum anywhere. Are there tissues somewhere…?

“Saeran…” His name is breathed so quietly, so filled with… what? Happiness? Satisfaction, maybe. Yoosung sounds totally and completely content right now.

No one’s ever said his name like that before.

Saeran looks back up at him as Yoosung’s eyes flutter open.

Wait… he’s crying.

Saeran feels a mild panic setting in before he remembers… “Happy tears?” he asks. Yoosung blinks at him and brings his hands up to wipe the ones that have escaped down his cheeks.

“Yeah,” Yoosung says, and there’s laughter in his voice. “I’m just… god, I’m so happy, Saeran.” He pulls his hands away from his eyes and tugs him down into a clumsy kiss. He can feel Yoosung’s smile against his lips, and for some reason that makes Saeran’s heart flutter.

The kiss is short and sweet, and when Yoosung pulls back he cups his face in his hands, stroking his thumbs across his cheeks. Saeran isn’t sure what to do. Yoosung’s eyes are still watery, but his face is filled with such adoration it makes Saeran’s heart squeeze.

“You’re amazing,” he whispers. Saeran’s throat clenches like he’s about to say something, but he can’t quite push the words out. He feels like there’s something on the tip of his tongue. Something he’s desperate to say. But what is it? He doesn’t know.

“Not as amazing as you,” he whispers back, and Yoosung lets out a soft laugh.

“It’s not a competition. If it were, you would win.”

“Hey, that’s not fair.” Saeran falls into the easy banter, and he smiles. He’s not nervous anymore. “You can’t say that like it’s a fact.”

Yoosung giggles. God he’s so cute.

“We could argue this all day, but I think first we should… uhm…” Yoosung glances down at the cum on his stomach and Saeran’s hand, and his dick, which is still exposed.

“Right. Yeah. Tissues?” Saeran asks. Yoosung glances to the side and points to the coffee table. Saeran grabs the box.

“You need these regularly, huh? Watch some interesting stuff on TV?” he teases as he wipes his hand clean.

“Sh-shut up!” Yoosung squeaks, face turning red. Saeran just chuckles as he carefully cleans Yoosung’s stomach.

“You’re so beautiful.” The words slip out before Saeran can stop them, and he quickly hides his face behind his hair. He hopes Yoosung didn’t hear that.

“I… r-really?”

Welp. Too late. Looks like the truth is out.

“Yeah.” Saeran tucks Yoosung’s dick back into his boxers and takes hold of his jeans to pull them back up. He pauses for a second, just admiring the sight before him.

Yoosung, with his shirt pushed up and his trousers pulled down. Just looking at him makes Saeran feel like an itch he didn’t know he had has been scratched. He’s so gorgeous. “You are.” He finally pulls his jeans back up and buttons them.

That seems to be when Yoosung notices how Saeran’s dick is straining against his own jeans, because he sits up and rests his hands gently on Saeran’s hips, looking up at him with wide eyes.

“Do you want… should I…?” he asks. _God_ he’s so fucking cute. How is he so cute even when he’s asking something like _that?_ Especially when he’s so gracefully sporting the marks on his neck from where he bit him. Oops. He hadn’t meant for those to bruise but there’s nothing he can do about that now.

Saeran shakes his head, smiling at him.

“Don’t worry about it, cutie,” he says, leaning down to press a kiss to his nose. What is it about this guy that makes him so damn soft?

“Are you sure? I… I don’t mind…”

Saeran can tell Yoosung wants to, but he’s really not sure he’s ready for that yet. Leaving himself exposed and vulnerable sounds terrifying, but if it’s with Yoosung… he supposes it sounds fine in theory, but in practice what if his brain loses sight of what’s real? What if he forgets it’s Yoosung and lashes out by accident?

“Maybe some other time,” he says. Yoosung nods, throwing his arms around him suddenly and tugging him back down so he’s lying on top of him. Saeran can’t help but laugh.

He hasn’t forgotten his problems and fears just yet, but he’s getting better. He can feel unfamiliar but more than welcome happiness bubbling inside him. Maybe next time he’ll feel safe enough to let Yoosung do something for him. But not just yet. Right now he’s satisfied with watching Yoosung come undone beneath him.

And when Yoosung pulls him into a kiss, he thinks that maybe, just maybe, everything will be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will always be a firm believer that Yoosung would cry of happiness and love after his first sexual experience


	25. Embarrassing talks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you follow me on tumblr or my priv twitter you'll know how difficult it's been for me to continue writing this fic, but I really didn't want to leave it unfinished. SO I've written the final three chapters already and they'll be posted as I edit them, most likely one per day.  
> If they seem different/worse than the other chapters it's because I really struggled to find inspiration for them, but I hope you enjoy them anyway :) I'm just kinda throwing them out there and running away as fast as I can lol

_Stage 28: Embarrassing talks._

Saeran’s never felt this kind of happiness before. The kind that makes you feel as though you’re floating on a cloud. It doesn’t even dampen his mood when Saeyoung tries to annoy and embarrass him, because he’s too happy to care.

The only thing that sets off real alarm bells is his reaction when Saeran mentions that he’s invited Yoosung over after class today. Saeyoung nods, which is an innocent enough gesture in itself, but the look on his face makes Saeran suspicious. What is he planning? If he pranks Yoosung and ruins this, Saeran will never forgive him.

But… Saeran doesn’t think he’d do that. It’s been a long and confusing road he’s had to walk down to reach the point he’s at in terms of trust, but now he doesn’t think Saeyoung would ever do anything to genuinely destroy his happiness. He’s just irritating and thinks he’s funny.

Saeran loves walking home with Yoosung, and he especially loves it when Yoosung’s actually coming over. He hates saying goodbye to him. Maybe they’ll be able to get to a point soon where they hang out every day after school? Saeran’s easily exhausted at the moment, and things with Yoosung are exciting and new, so that’s not really a good idea right now, but maybe soon…

After the last time Saeran went round Yoosung’s house, he feels closer to him than he did before. Just being able to see Yoosung’s face as he came undone… it was beautiful. Honestly, he kind of can’t stop thinking about it.

To Saeran’s surprise, Saeyoung’s waiting for them on the sofa when they get to the bunker.

Ah. Shit. So he’s planning something.

“Oh look, it’s my two favourite people!”

Saeran narrows his eyes suspiciously.

“Hey, Seven,” Yoosung says, smiling at him.

“Why don’t you two come sit with me?” Saeyoung suggests.

“No. We’re going to my room,” Saeran says shortly, grabbing Yoosung’s hand and tugging him with him.

“No, no, no! I want to talk to you!”

“We don’t want to talk to you.”

Before Saeran can react, Saeyoung’s standing right in front of them.

“I have something important I need to talk about. It won’t take long, I swear!”

Saeran feels Yoosung squeeze his hand.

“We can go to your room after, yeah?” Yoosung says quietly. Saeran closes his eyes, exhaling heavily before opening them again.

“Fine.”

“Great! Sit on the sofa~”

Saeran feels kind of self-conscious holding Yoosung’s hand in front of Saeyoung, but he doesn’t want to let go, so instead he lets their hands slide until he can link their pinkies. Somehow that feels like Saeyoung will be less likely to make fun of them for that.

Although, Saeran still doesn’t know what he’s planning right now.

Saeran sits on the sofa and Yoosung sits next to him. Saeran’s expecting Saeyoung to sit next to one of them, or maybe even be annoying and sit in the middle, but instead he perches on the coffee table in front of them.

This suddenly feels a lot like some kind of interview. Or scolding. Or maybe both.

Fuck. What’s going on?

“So,” Saeyoung begins, and the word sounds like a sentence by itself. “You two are dating.”

Saeran doesn’t say anything. He knows Saeyoung already knows that’s true.

“We are,” Yoosung says quietly. He seems nervous. Saeran wants to hold his hand again, but when they sat down their pinkies disconnected so their hands are resting next to each other instead.

“First of all, congratulations! And second of all…” Saeyoung pauses for dramatic effect. Saeran wants to punch him. “Well, Yoosung, do your parents know?”

“I… n-no? Not yet.” Okay, yeah, Yoosung’s _definitely_ nervous.

Saeyoung claps his hands together, and though he’s trying to hide it, Saeran can tell he’s… excited? No. That’s not quite the right word. ‘Asshole’ is a good descriptor for Saeyoung, so he’ll go with that. He has some kind of asshole-ish glee about him right now.

“So that means it’s my job to give you the talk.”

Yoosung’s reaction is immediate.

“What?! No!! Oh my god, Seven, no, please don’t do that.” Saeran turns to Yoosung in surprise as he covers his hands with his face. What? What’s ‘the talk’? Why is Yoosung so embarrassed?

“Someone has to do it,” Saeyoung says solemnly. “Okay. So I’m assuming you both know how it all works.”

“Seveeeeeeeen,” Yoosung whines, voice muffled from behind his hands.

“What? What’s going on? Am I missing out on some joke here?” Saeran asks, looking between them in confusion. “What the fuck are you talking about? How _what_ works?”

Saeyoung leans forwards conspiratorially. “Sex,” he whispers.

“What…?”

“I have to be the one to tell you to be safe!”

“What the fuck, Saeyoung. It’s none of your business.”

Saeyoung continues as though Saeran hadn’t spoken.

“Obviously there’s no risk of pregnancy, _but_ there are a lot of other things to be careful of!”

“Saey–”

“STDs are a very–”

“Saeyoung.”

“–common thing in people your–”

“ _Saeyoung.”_

“–age, so it’s important to be careful–”

_“Sae. Young.”_

“–which is why you should always–”

_“Do you think this is funny??”_

Finally, Saeyoung shuts up and turns to Saeran.

“Of course not! It’s very serious. As I was saying, you should always use a–”

As soon as Saeyoung reaches in his pocket and pulls out something square wrapped in foil, Saeran jumps straight to his feet.

_“Shut the fuck up.”_

“I’m just trying to help!” he insists, but the grin on his face gives him away.

“No. You’re being an _ass._ ”

Yoosung’s still covering his face, which looks like it’s totally bright red. Saeran grabs his hand and pulls him to his feet, practically dragging him towards his room. He slams the door behind them and locks it, and Yoosung… is he crying?

His body is shaking and… wait, no, he’s giggling?

“Are you okay?” Saeran asks uncertainly.

“Th-that was so _embarrassing._ ” But he’s still giggling. Just the sound of his laughter makes some of Saeran’s anger melt away.

“You’re laughing…” he says, and Yoosung finally looks up at him. His face is redder than Saeran’s ever seen it, but he’s smiling.

“Because I’m embarrassed.”

Saeran runs his fingers through his hair.

“I’m… hah, I’m sorry about that. I had no idea he would do that.”

Yoosung shakes his head.

“N-no. It’s fine. Just… I mean, we already _know_ that stuff, right? We’ve already talked about it. I m-mean… we have a little bit. Like, we both know we’re gonna wait until… we’re ready…” Yoosung’s rambling now, and Saeran reaches out to take his hands in his.

“Yeah. It’s fine. We’ll be fine.” Saeran pauses. “You don’t have any STDs, do you?”

“What? No! I’m… I’ve never, uhm… y-you’re the only person I’ve been with like that. And we haven’t even… you’ve only done…”

Saeran knows what he’s trying to say. They haven’t even had sex yet anyway.

“Yeah, I know. I don’t have any either.” He’s been tested since getting out of Mint Eye, because while he was there it was all unprotected. He’s lucky, really.

Yoosung nods.

“Okay. That’s good. Not that it makes a difference, because I’d still want… b-but that’s not important. Anyway.” He laughs awkwardly. “Uhm… what should we do now?”

Honestly, Saeran’s not sure. He hadn’t exactly been planning on these things happening when they got home, so now he feels kind of disoriented.

They end up lying on Saeran’s bed, looking at the ceiling with their pinkies linked together again. There’s something oddly intimate about it.

“I’m going out,” Saeyoung calls through the door. It’s suspicious. Why is Saeyoung going out _now?_ Does he actually think they’re going to have sex after everything he said? Bit of a mood killer, to be honest.

Although… Saeran wouldn’t mind.

No, what is he thinking? If it happens, it happens. He doesn’t want to expect anything from Yoosung that he might not even be interested in right now.

Saeran hears Saeyoung whistling tunelessly as the bunker door creaks open and slams shut. Then there’s silence.

“Oh,” Saeran says softly after a few moments. “I… let me show you something.”

He sits up, and Yoosung follows suit. He doesn’t say anything, just looking at Saeran curiously.

Come on, Saeran. You can do this.

He sucks in a deep breath and leans over the bed to grab his schoolbag and then pauses, clutching it to his chest.

“It’s okay,” Yoosung says gently. “You can show me anything.”

And he can. He knows he can. But something about this is scary.

“Okay,” Saeran whispers.

He braces himself.

He wants to show Yoosung the drawings he did of him.


	26. Trust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is muuuch better than the last one haha  
> (also it's smut)

_Stage 29: Trust._

Saeran carefully reaches into his backpack and pulls out his sketchbook. Maybe this is a bad idea. Maybe it’ll make Yoosung uncomfortable.

This feels an awful lot like the first time he showed him his drawings.

Except… this time is different. This time Yoosung is his boyfriend, and he’s showing him drawings _of_ him.

Yoosung is patient, and Saeran thanks god for that. It takes him a good few minutes to even just open his sketchbook. He flicks through it quickly so Yoosung doesn’t accidentally see anything Saeran hadn’t planned on him seeing. It’s not that he hates anything he’s drawn. He’s actually pretty proud of his progress, but the idea of showing Yoosung something he hasn’t mentally prepared for is terrifying.

When he was drawing these, though, he was drawing them with the _intention_ Yoosung would see them. With every stroke of the pencil he was thinking of Yoosung and how Yoosung might react. He was picturing both extremes of his possible reactions. He imagined a look of absolute disgust on Yoosung’s face as he saw the drawings. The anger and outrage that Saeran _actually_ drew his body. But then in the same breath he pictured happy tears. He pictured Yoosung smiling and laughing and thanking him. But no matter the scenario, he always pictured Yoosung being open with his emotions. Because that’s just who he is.

Saeran finds them and slowly opens the sketchbook, tilting the double-page spread towards Yoosung. Some of the drawings are sketchy, some are more detailed. He didn’t draw Yoosung’s face in any of them, like he promised. He drew some of them multiple times with different shading techniques, trying to make his lines looser and the shapes flow more freely. Honestly, he’s proud of them all.

Yoosung shuffles closer, and his eyes widen in realisation when he looks at the page.

“Oh! These are of me,” he says, and he sounds weirdly breathless. Saeran feels like he’s forgotten how to breathe, and he clenches his jaw. His hands are shaking a little but Yoosung doesn’t seem to have noticed. Or maybe he has. Maybe he’s just pretending he hasn’t.

He reaches out, fingertips hovering over one of the drawings. Actually, it’s the one Saeran’s the most proud of. The one where he finally applied his own style in a more direct way, with darker, more scratchy lines.

But he’s not focusing on the drawings or Yoosung’s hands. He’s trying to look at Yoosung’s face as subtly as he can, and… his reaction isn’t anything Saeran had pictured in his head.

His eyes are wide and his lips are slightly parted, and for once Saeran can’t read his expression. It could be wonder, but it could also be awkwardness at not knowing what to say. Does he think they’re bad?

“Saeran,” he whispers after what feels like a century. “It’s… maybe I’m stupid for reacting this way because no one will even be able to tell these are me, but I… I _love_ these.” His voice is still breathless and Saeran feels like he’s going to combust. “I don’t know, just… you drew _me._ You wanted to draw _me_. And you… the way you drew me is like…” Yoosung trails off. “I don’t look like this.”

“Huh?”

“N-no! I don’t mean they’re bad!” Yoosung says quickly, looking at Saeran in horror. “They’re not!! It’s just that you always draw with so much personality and you’ve made me look…”

The silence hangs in the air for a moment, and Yoosung looks back down at the pages.

“What?”

“Beautiful,” he whispers. Saeran blinks in confusion.

“You are beautiful.”

“Not like this.”

“Yoosung…” Saeran brings a hand up to rest under Yoosung’s chin and lifts his face to look at him. “You’re so fucking beautiful.”

Yoosung stares at him for a moment, and Saeran swears he can see the entire universe in his eyes. Honestly, if Yoosung doesn’t realise how beautiful he is…

“Not as beautiful as you.”

Saeran chokes in surprise.

“W-what? No… no, it’s not even a competition.” It’s not even possible to argue that. Are they really having this conversation? “No, Yoosung, everything about you is beautiful.”

Yoosung swallows.

“Like… what?”

“You… want me to tell you?” Saeran’s voice comes out as a choked whisper and he drops his hand from Yoosung’s chin, looking away. He’s really not good at laying his feelings bare.

But if it’s Yoosung, maybe he can try.

“I mean, first of all you’re beautiful in all the obvious ways.” He closes his eyes and pretends he’s talking to himself about how beautiful Yoosung is. Maybe it’ll be easier if he pretends Yoosung isn’t sitting right there. “Your eyes are… it’s like there are literally stars in them. And your nose is really cute. And… and your lips are…” Is he doing this right? God, he feels kind of stupid. “I like your lips. And your whole face, because it always shows me how you’re feeling. And your hair is… it’s like… it’s soft, which it shouldn’t be because it’s been bleached, but it is anyway because everything about you is soft. And your body is…” Is this even appropriate? Saeran swallows, squeezing his eyes shut even tighter. “Your body is soft too and I r-really like looking at it. And touching it.” He pulls his knees to his chest, letting the sketchbook fall aside. “So that’s some of the… the physical stuff, I guess. But you’re beautiful in other ways too. Like you never judge me for… everything. All the shit I’ve done.” He doesn’t know all of it, but Saeran pushes that thought from his mind. “All the weird things about me that are probably kind of annoying. You just totally take it in your stride and you’re… you’re amazing, Yoosung. You don’t even realise.”

When Saeran stops speaking the air feels like it weighs a million tonnes. Should he really have said all that? Is it creepy? Should he have stopped himself sooner? He’s too scared to even look at Yoosung. He’s hyperaware of his body next to him on the bed and his soft breathing and _god_ he wishes he could read his mind.

It feels like an eternity of silence, and Saeran still can’t bring himself to look up at Yoosung. Saeran swallows. Maybe he should apologise.

“I’m–”

Before the words are even out his mouth he suddenly has a pair of arms thrown around him and Yoosung’s face buried in his shoulder. His body is shaking and Saeran thinks he might be crying.

“Saeran. God, I… you’re too good to me.”

“W-what?” Saeran’s voice is breathless. “No, _you’re_ too good to _me._ ”

“Saeran. Saeran. Saeran.” Yoosung’s chanting his name like a song as he clutches hold of him, and Saeran slowly twists his body so he can hold him too.

Saeran barely notices as it’s happening, but Yoosung somehow drags him so they’re lying down again, arms still locked around each other. Yoosung starts pressing soft kisses to his neck, sending shivers through his body.

Does Yoosung realise how kissable he is? He hadn’t been lying about liking his lips…

Saeran twists his body until he can lean down and capture Yoosung’s lips, his desperation already leaking into the kiss. Yoosung makes a series of soft whimpers and… god. He’s so…

Innocent isn’t the right word, but at the same time it is. Yoosung’s innocence isn’t exactly what people might assume. He’s not sexually innocent. He’s a masochist and a sub for sure, and while he has that childlike innocence a lot of subs have, it’s not quite the same. His personality, his actions, his desperation to be liked… it’s _that_ kind of innocence. The kind Saeran can never touch, and he’s thankful for that. Ruining Yoosung’s innocence would be a disaster.

He may be innocent, but he’s not naïve. He knows exactly what he’s doing when he parts his lips and slides his tongue into Saeran’s mouth, and when he carefully presses his crotch against Saeran’s thigh.

A sub… hm, how far can Saeran push that? He’s suddenly intrigued.

Exactly _how_ submissive is Yoosung Kim?

He doesn’t give Yoosung any warning as he flips him over onto his back and crawls on top of him, kissing him hungrily and gripping hold of his hips hard enough to bruise. Yoosung lets out a noise of surprise, but if the shiver that shoots through his body is anything to go by and the way he presses his crotch even harder against Saeran’s thigh, he _likes_ it.

He can feel Yoosung getting harder by the second, and he seems so eager to please…

Saeran’s fairly certain he’s thought of Yoosung as a puppy before, but how would he react if he called him that? It suddenly seems like a very fitting name for him.

Saeran pulls out of the kiss and leans down to kiss his neck.

“You’re such a good boy,” he whispers between kisses. He can feel heat flowing through him. Is this weird to say? He’s never attempted dirty talk that wasn’t telling people how useless they are, and maybe Yoosung’s into degradation, but honestly Saeran would much prefer praising him. At least for now.

“I am?” Yoosung says breathlessly. He clutches hold of the back of Saeran’s hoodie.

“You are,” Saeran confirms, nipping gently at the soft skin. That draws a whimper from Yoosung. “You remind me of a puppy. _My_ puppy.”

“O-oh,” Yoosung gasps, and Saeran feels his dick twitch against his thigh. He smirks.

Perfect.

“Whose puppy are you?”

“Yours,” Yoosung whispers immediately. “I’m y-your puppy.”

Saeran slowly slides his hands up underneath Yoosung’s shirt, pushing it up as he goes. He hadn’t been planning on saying anything else, but apparently Yoosung really likes the whole puppy thing.

“I want to be a g-good boy for you.” His voice is breathless and it sends heat coursing through Saeran’s veins. He scratches lightly over his nipples and Yoosung gasps and arches his back.

“You can do that by being loud,” Saeran says, and then he bites down on Yoosung’s neck. Hard.

Yoosung yelps, nails digging into Saeran’s back as he unknowingly (or perhaps he knows exactly what he’s doing) grinds against Saeran’s thigh. Fuck. That shouldn’t be so hot.

Saeran sucks on the skin and pinches Yoosung’s nipples for a moment before he starts trailing his hands back down, resting them on Yoosung’s bare stomach.

“Take your shirt off,” he says, pulling back from his neck, and he scrambles to obey. He tugs his shirt up over his head and tosses it aside. God, his face… he looks so beautiful like this. Lips parted, cheeks and chest flushed pink, eyes wide and desperate, bite-mark on his neck stark against his otherwise blemish-free skin. Saeran’s the _only one_ who’s ever seen this, and he’s never going to get used to it. The beauty takes his breath away every time.

He shuffles backwards, earning himself a quiet whine from Yoosung as his thigh stops giving his dick the friction he wants so much, but the whine turns into whimper as Saeran pops open the button of his jeans.

“What does puppy want?” he growls as he leans forward again, pressing a kiss to Yoosung’s chest.

“I w-want… you to touch me.” It already sounds like he’s begging, and who is Saeran to say no?

He pushes Yoosung’s jeans down, shuffling back and kissing down Yoosung’s body as he goes until he can pull them off and toss them aside. He looks up to see Yoosung watching him, a mixture of excitement and longing in his eyes. Saeran presses a kiss to his soft stomach, trying his best to ignore Yoosung’s dick straining in his boxers just below his chin.

“How do you want me to touch you?” Saeran asks, gripping hold of Yoosung’s hips.

“W-will you… will you…” God, Yoosung seems like he can barely speak, and just hearing him scrambling for words like this is making Saeran’s insides flutter. “Um… w-with your…”

“My hands?” Saeran asks, digging his nails into the skin slightly. From the way Yoosung’s eyes keep flicking to his mouth, he already knows the answer, but he wants to hear him say it. “Or something else?”

“Mouth,” he breathes. “P-please.”

“Mouth? What do you want me to do with my mouth?”

“Saeran…” Yoosung whines. Saeran can tell he doesn’t want to say it, but he’s going to make him anyway.

“Come on. A good boy uses his words,” he teases, reaching up to tap his bottom lip.

“I want… I…”

“Yes?” Saeran encourages with a smirk. This is too much fun.

“Iwantyoutosuckmeoff,” Yoosung says as fast as he can, immediately pressing his hands to his face to hide his blush. It doesn’t matter, though. Saeran can see it on his chest.

“Good boy,” he praises, hooking his fingers around Yoosung’s boxers and tugging them down.

Saeran realises hasn’t seen Yoosung’s dick properly before, but god… just the sight of it makes his mouth water. He’s never wanted to do this so badly, but he wants to tease him first. He tosses the boxers aside and carefully grips hold of the base, leaning close enough for Yoosung to feel his breath against the tip.

“You look delicious.” The words are out before he even realises, but he doesn’t have a chance to regret them because the way Yoosung’s body shudders, the way his dick twitches… god, is this guy into _everything?_ “Move your hands, cutie. I want to see your face.”

“So embarrassing,” he hears Yoosung mumble, but he does as he’s told and uncovers his face, gripping the sheets next to him instead.

Saeran flicks his tongue against the tip, and he hears Yoosung’s sharp intake of breath. His back is arched up towards Saeran, his head is facing the side, his legs are shaking slightly, and Saeran’s never been more turned on in his life.

“Please…” he whispers hoarsely, and that’s what finally pushes Saeran over the edge. He takes the tip of Yoosung’s dick into his mouth and swirls his tongue around as he keeps his eyes glued on his face. He watches as Yoosung’s mouth falls open even wider and his chest rises with the sudden gasp. He watches his knuckles turn white as he tightens his grip on the bedsheets. Saeran slowly lowers his head, swallowing him down bit by bit.

At some point Yoosung looks down at him. Their eyes lock and Yoosung whimpers at the same time as Saeran hums in satisfaction. One of Yoosung’s hands flies up, gripping the sheets above his head instead as he pants heavily.

Yoosung’s dick isn’t particularly big. It’s maybe a little below average in length, but the girth is good. It makes it easy to take him in his mouth entirely, and finally his nose reaches the hair at the base. Yoosung lets out a long moan.

“F-fuck…”

Saeran’s only heard Yoosung swear a handful of times before. Once when he was angry at one of his teachers. Once when he was talking about some asshole on LOLOL. And once when he was giving him a handjob.

It seems that Yoosung only swears when he’s really angry or really turned on.

Which makes it even hotter.

Saeran starts moving his head and that’s when Yoosung can’t seem to hold eye contact any longer. It’s good, really, because it means Saeran can focus better. He works his tongue, starting out slowly and then speeding it up along with the rhythm of his head. He wants to give Yoosung the most mind-blowing orgasm he’s ever felt.

Yoosung’s moaning loudly now, and honestly thank fucking god Saeyoung left because there’s no way he wouldn’t be able to hear this. Saeran doesn’t want anyone to hear. He wants Yoosung’s moans all to himself.

Saeran scrapes his nails down Yoosung’s hips and legs, and Yoosung cries out even louder.

“S-Saeran, I’m… ff… I’m gonna…”

Yoosung announces his orgasms? Oh fuck, that’s really hot.

Saeran gets the impression Yoosung has been trying to hold his orgasm off. Does he normally cum this fast? That’s kind of adorable, and it just adds to the list of things Saeran likes about him.

And it means Saeran can experiment with teasing him more in the future. Maybe even orgasm denial.

But no, not right now. He keeps moving his head and his tongue, and Yoosung’s moans reach their peak as his body tenses as his orgasm hits him. Saeran keeps his grip tight on his hips, digging his nails in hard and swallowing as the cum hits his throat.

Yoosung’s body eventually falls back down limply, twitching as Saeran gradually slows to a stop and pulls off his dick.

Honestly, the sounds Yoosung makes will be burned into his memory forever. They’re so… _good._

Saeran crawls up his body and lays down next to him, pressing a gentle kiss to his shoulder as his nerves suddenly take over again. Was that okay? Yoosung obviously came, but was the possessive thing too much?

But he doesn’t have much time to worry, because Yoosung rolls over and pulls him into a clumsy kiss, somehow just as desperate as he was before. Saeran lets out a small noise of surprise. He’s not sure he’s ever met someone who’s wanted to kiss him after he’s gone down on them.

As they kiss, Yoosung’s knee carefully pries Saeran’s legs apart and slides between them. Saeran gasps a little as he feels Yoosung’s thigh press against his still-clothed dick, and he pulls out of the kiss.

“Yoosung…” he breathes.

“Can I?” he asks, looking at him with wide eyes. “I really want to make you feel good.”

“It’s… you don’t have to…” Saeran says uncertainly. Is he ready for Yoosung to do something like that?

“I know I don’t _have_ to, but I… I really want to.” He swallows nervously and averts his eyes. “I get it if you’re not ready, I just… if you wanted me to…”

Saeran doesn’t answer for a few moments. He can’t deny that right now he’s really turned on. There’s no risk of anyone hearing, and it’s not like Yoosung will just leave him as soon as he sees his body…

Or would he?

Does he want it? Yeah, he does, but that’s not the right question. The question is: will he be able to deal with quite literally laying himself bare for Yoosung to see? To make himself vulnerable? “I want it but it’s… a lot…”

“We can, uhm, we can try and you can tell me to stop if you want me to?” Yoosung suggests quietly, trailing his fingers across Saeran’s chest. He’s still fully-clothed next to Yoosung, who’s entirely naked, and he has to admit it does feel a little unfair. He’s not as close to Yoosung as he’d like to be.

Can he give Yoosung control like that? It’s not a matter of whether or not he can trust him – of course he trusts him entirely – but it’s more of a mental block that he’s not sure how to get past.

There’s not too much harm in trying, is there? Yoosung will stop if he asks him to, and Saeran can keep control of the situation by holding Yoosung’s hand or head – whichever he’s planning on using.

“I don’t want to take my shirt off,” he says slowly.

“Okay.” Yoosung nods. “Not even the hoodie?”

Saeran pauses for a moment and then sits up, pulling the hoodie up over his head so he’s just wearing the t-shirt. Yoosung can see his arms. He can see all the scars and the bottom of his tattoo, but he’s seen them before at the beach so Saeran can handle that.

Yoosung pulls him back to lying down, cupping his face in his hands.

“You can tell me to stop whenever you want,” he whispers, pressing a soft kiss to Saeran’s nose. Saeran nods and Yoosung studies his face for a moment. “Are you sure about this? I don’t want you to feel like I’m forcing you to…”

“No! I mean, yes, I’m sure. You’re not forcing me, I just…” Saeran swallows again. His throat feels really dry. “It’s kind of… um… scary, but I trust you.”

Yoosung blinks at him in surprise. Has Saeran never told him that before?

Actually, on second thought…

“I’ll take my shirt off,” he whispers, already sitting up and tugging it over his head. He wants this to be… special. He wants to be as close to Yoosung as he can get, and he needs to get over his stupid fear of exposing himself.

Yoosung sits up and places his hands on his bare chest, gently pushing him to lie down again while he straddles him.

This is… okay. He’s not panicking like he thought he would, even as Yoosung leans down to kiss his neck.

“You say I’m beautiful,” Yoosung murmurs against his skin as he trails kisses down to his collarbone, “but you’re a thousand times more beautiful.”

“I’m not…” Saeran says breathlessly. No one’s ever been this gentle with him before.

“No arguing~” Yoosung says playfully, kissing down to one of his nipples. His hands trail down to the waistband of his jeans, toying with the button for a few moments before opening it. “Lift your butt!” Saeran blinks in surprise and lifts himself so Yoosung can tug his jeans down. His hand slowly slides down to rest on the bulge in his underwear. Are his hands shaking?

“Yoosung…” he breathes. Yoosung’s trying to hide his nerves, but they’re obvious. “Don’t freak out, you’re doing great.

“I haven’t even done anything yet,” he mumbles, kissing down to Saeran’s stomach, lips stopping just above the waistline of his boxers.

Saeran looks down, watching as the blonde head of hair lifts slightly to look up at him. He feels Yoosung hook his fingers in his boxers.

“Are you sure?” he asks one last time. Saeran nods.

“Yeah,” he says breathlessly, and with that Yoosung tugs his boxers down too.

Saeran expects this to be the moment he starts panicking, but somehow he doesn’t. He just watches as Yoosung throws his boxers somewhere on the floor and looks at his dick for a few moments before grasping hold of it.

Saeran hisses a breath as Yoosung slowly lowers his head, taking the tip in his mouth. Oh _god_ , he’d forgotten how good this felt. How long has it been since he let someone do this? A pretty long time, that’s for sure. And no one’s ever looked as good between his legs as Yoosung does right now.

Yoosung doesn’t waste any time lowering his head and starting to move it, and… _shit_.

“God,” Saeran groans, reaching down and gripping hold of Yoosung’s hair tightly. Yoosung lets out a soft moan around his dick, and _wow_ that feels good. “S-such a good boy…”

Yoosung gradually speeds up, and he seems to be quickly figuring out what Saeran likes because it’s not long before Saeran’s on the brink of his orgasm. Has he done this before? He’s really fucking good at it.

“Yoo…sung… _fuck,”_ he moans, watching as those soft lips stretch around him and swallow him down. He’s sticking his ass in the air, and Saeran can barely tear his eyes off it as he watches it move. There’s no competition. Yoosung has the best ass he’s ever seen.

It gradually builds up in his core and finally hits him harder than any orgasm he’s ever had, shooting through his whole body. Saeran’s back arches and his toes curl, and Yoosung continues moving his head and working his tongue until Saeran’s not sure he can take it anymore. The pleasure crashes over him for longer than usual until his grip tightens in his hair and he forces him to a stop.

In the silence of the room he can hear both their heavy panting. Yoosung’s hot, wet mouth is still wrapped around his dick, and when he looks down he knows he’s never seen anything so beautiful in his life.

Eventually he lets go of Yoosung’s hair, allowing him to pull back. He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, cleaning away some cum he hadn’t quite managed to swallow.

“Saeran…” he whispers, crawling back up the bed and lying next to him. He throws his leg over Saeran’s and traces patterns on his chest as Saeran lays there in his post-orgasm bliss.

Everything about Yoosung is beyond impossible. There’s no way he should be able to make Saeran feel _this_ safe. He honestly can’t remember the last time he was so far away from a panic attack. It’s nice to feel calm. It’s nice to feel… wanted.

He thinks Yoosung might be tracing a word into his chest, but when he focuses all he can catch is an ‘I’, an ‘L’, a ‘V’,’ and an ‘O’.

Saeran can’t think of a word with all those letters in. Maybe he’s just imagining things.


	27. Content

_Stage 30: Content._

Today has been a strange day.

“Are you seeing Yoosung after class?” Saeyoung had asked in the morning. That hadn’t been an unusual question in itself, and Saeran had been too tired to notice if the tone of his voice was different.

“Yeah,” Saeran had said, shoving his shoes on.

“Are you doing something special?”

Saeran froze.

“Special?”

“Yeah. Like are you going somewhere special?”

Saeran looked up at Saeyoung in total confusion.

“Why?”

That’s when Saeyoung’s eyes had widened in shock.

“Oh.”

“What? What is it?”

“Just, uh… nevermind.”

Saeran racked his brains desperately. Had he forgotten something? They didn’t have anything specific planned for today, did they? Just hanging out. He knew it wasn’t Yoosung’s birthday, because that’s in March. It’s not his birthday either. What significance does this day have?

Saeran had walked to school in a mild panic. Is he supposed to remember what today is? It’s too late now, and there’s no way he’ll be able to do anything about it by the time he sees Yoosung at lunch.

Fuck. Yoosung’s going to hate him. He’s going to leave him and find someone better. Someone who actually knows what they’re doing. Someone normal.

By lunchtime, Saeran’s a mess.

Yoosung meets him outside the art block as usual, a big smile on his face. But to his surprise, Yoosung doesn’t bring up anything out of the ordinary for the whole hour, and Saeran feels himself slowly start relaxing. Maybe Saeyoung got mixed up with something else. Maybe this odd feeling he’s had all day doesn’t mean anything.

“So I was thinking,” Yoosung says conversationally as they’re walking out of school, “we could go somewhere today. If you wanted to.”

“Like… where?”

“I was thinking we could go to the… uhm, to the gallery we went to before? I liked it there.”

Saeran can’t help but frown a little.

“Sure.” He might as well agree, right?

They start walking, and Yoosung chatters about his day until they reach the gallery. Nothing seems out of the ordinary except this sudden outing. Maybe Yoosung had been planning it anyway and had mentioned it to Saeyoung in passing.

It’s kind of quiet inside – almost entirely deserted, actually – but it still surprises Saeran when Yoosung grabs his hand and drags him towards the stairs. Okay, so apparently they’re totally ignoring the first floor. That’s fine. It only adds a little bit of strangeness to the day. It makes sense, because they hadn’t come upstairs last time so maybe Yoosung wanted to see it, but even so, Saeran can’t shake the feeling that he’s forgotten something important.

Yoosung pulls him into one of the rooms upstairs and Saeran forgets how to breathe for a second as he looks around. Woah…

They hadn’t come upstairs last time, but now Saeran wishes they had. The art in here is incredible. Paintings, photos, sculptures… it’s all so beautiful.

And empty.

“Where is everyone?” Saeran asks in confusion.

“I’m glad no one’s here,” Yoosung mumbles.

“What, why?”

Yoosung doesn’t respond, instead dragging him to the middle of the room. The lights are dim and there’s a calm, otherworldly kind of feeling in here.

Saeran looks at Yoosung in confusion as he takes both his hands and pulls him to face him. Yoosung giggles softly.

“You look confused.”

“I am confused.”

Yoosung nods. “I thought you might be. That’s okay.”

“Yoosung, what’s going on?”

Yoosung smiles at him, and his smile is brighter than any star. Saeran can’t bring himself to look away.

“Today marks exactly one month since you asked me to be your boyfriend.”

Oh.

_Oh._

Fuck.

It’s their month anniversary, and Saeran completely forgot.

Actually, it’s not that he forgot. It’s that he didn’t even realise he was supposed to remember. He’s good with numbers, but he’s never been good with remembering dates. It’s difficult enough trying to remember the birthday of the three people he knows (including himself. Two of which are the same fucking day. He’s pretty useless, actually), along with Christmas and Halloween. Easter is a fucking nightmare because it’s different each year, but Saeyoung doesn’t seem to mind that he forgets, because they hadn’t celebrated any of them as a child. Time is a weird, vague concept to Saeran.

But now he has to remember anniversaries too? God, how is he meant to do that?

“Hey.” Yoosung’s soft voice brings him back out of his head. “Don’t worry, it’s okay.”

“I didn’t get you anything,” Saeran says hoarsely, looking away guiltily.

“Saeran, it’s okay!” Yoosung says again, bringing a hand up to rest on his cheek. “Really, I mean it. I didn’t get anything for you either. I just… wanted to bring you here.”

“Why?”

Now it’s Yoosung’s turn to look away, hand dropping from Saeran’s face.

“Because this is… a special place to me.”

“It is?” Saeran hadn’t realised Yoosung had been here before the time they’d come together. Yoosung nods.

“Yeah. It’s… this is…” He closes his eyes for a few moments. He seems to be preparing for something. But what is it? What’s going on?

“Yoosung…”

Yoosung opens his eyes and looks at him again. He seems nervous in a jittery kind of way.

“This gallery… when we came here together and I was watching you look at all the art and draw in your sketchbook… this is the place where I–” He pauses again, struggling with his words. “This is the place where I realised… I’d fallen in love with you.”

Time seems to stop and Saeran swears his heart does too.

The words play over in his head a few times before he fully processes them. Yoosung didn’t just say he loves him. He said he’s _in_ love with him. He said he fell in love with him all the way back when they’d come to the gallery together.

“You don’t have to say it back,” Yoosung says quickly, face morphing into a worried look. “I just wanted to tell you that I… I love you. Because I do. And you don’t have to feel the same, but I–”

“Yoosung,” Saeran interrupts. His mind is spinning right now with that one word. _Love. Love. Love._ Yoosung loves him.

What is love? What does it feel like? Does he love Yoosung?

Saeran’s never asked himself that question before now, but as soon as he does he’s hit with the overwhelming realisation that, yes, he _does_ love Yoosung.

“I’m… I’m… I think I’m…” Saeran struggles with the words, screwing his eyes shut for a moment. Just say it, idiot. Yoosung said it. It’s just a word.

But it feels so heavy.

Not in a bad way. In a way that’s so meaningful Saeran can’t quite push it out his mouth.

“You don’t have to reply at all,” Yoosung says, panic in his voice. “Really, it’s not–”

“I do,” Saeran finally says. “I do, though. I’m… in love with you.”

As soon as the words are out it feels like a huge weight off his shoulders. He opens his eyes again, and honestly, the look on Yoosung’s face is enough to make absolutely everything in his life this far worth it.

“Really?” he breathes.

“Really.”

Yoosung lets out a soft squeak and throws his arms around him, burying his face in his shoulder.

“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to say that, and I hadn’t even thought about what hearing it would feel like. I love you, I love you, I love you!”

Saeran wraps his arms tightly around Yoosung’s waist, holding him as close as he possibly can.

“I love you.” Now that he’s said it once, the words feel like the easiest thing in the world to say. “I’m so lucky.”

Saeran’s not the kind of person who thinks love can solve all his problems. He knows he still has a long way to go. He knows he’ll still have bad days, and he knows this isn’t like a movie, where everything will come to a close in this one perfect moment, tied up with a neat little bow. But god, if love doesn’t help.

He’s happy. In this moment he’s well and truly happy.

He couldn’t ask for more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Thank you all so much for reaching the end<3 I read every single comment (but I don't usually reply because I get nervous skdhksdhf) but just know that they've been what's kept me going throughout this whole thing. I hope you enjoyed this fic!!

**Author's Note:**

> Check out my [tumblr](http://pupsung.tumblr.com) and shoot me a message if you wanna chat!


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